Dauntless-ly Free
by Acromania
Summary: They were marred from life and going to another Faction was their way out. Struggling with the past, present and future, with finding themselves and each other and a danger lurking behind closed doors, they have to grow up even faster. slightly AU; Eventually Eric/Tris
1. Prologue

_(Updated: 27.02.2014)_

_A/N: Just a spin-off. Enjoy._

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

As I look out of my window I see the same image I saw for the last 17 years. Grey houses, grey people, grey faces. Everything is grey, even the sun that spreads its last warmth through my window on my plain face. I don't feel the warmth or anything for that matter.

I still can remember a time when that was different. When the world was a rich colored adventure through my naiv shining eyes. I was five when I left the compound of Abnegation with my mother and brother. We were on our way to help with cleaning an abandoned building for the factionless. The last three months the Factions had tried to make amendmants for the Factionless understanding that they were still their brothers and sisters. So the leaders planned to reconstruct different buildings, opening shelters and integrating kitchens so the Abnegation could easily cook and bake for the people that hadn't anything left.

It was early morning when we approached the newly finished building not to far from our own home. Father was fullfilling his duty in the consul not that I could grasp the concept of that being only just a child. I can still smell the greenish-brown gras wet from the last rain and the wind that carried the first hints of frost. I skipped in front of my brother his eyebrows crunched up in his nine year old face.

"Beatrice!" my mother called not stern, not scolding but with a hint of disapproval. I slowed my steps but could still feel a fire in my stomach and the hot pressure in my limps to run and to laugh and to be alive. But I tried to stay calm, tried to forget myself just as I was told since taking my first steps in this world. It was a lesson I never understood and I envied my brother for being this in control even though he was just four years older.

Other people in grey clothes just like us passed by greeted with a warm smile and a distant nod typical Abnegation. Mother and my brother reciprocated. I wasn't a shy child in any possible meaning of the word. So I waved at the people that visited our home, laughed at them. My brother took my hand as we approached the street leading me so I wouldn't fall down. I loved when he did that. His big warm hand taking my small one. It meant safety.

We reached the building and mother gave us simple task: Clean the windows, floors, tabletops and so on. Small tasks that would netherless help the Factionless. My brother had to carry a few pieces of furniture that the other Factions gave us. He was big for his age, I guess. Muscular for being Abnegation.

I got lost in my small tasks, playfully fullfilling them, humming to myself. It wasn't long before I finished and went looking for my mother. She said she would be downstairs whereever that was. I skipped down the corridor and wanted to take the stairs as I heard something that picked my interest. As stealthy as I could with my five year old coordination of my limbs I went forward till I could make out where the voices came from.

"Max, what are you doing here?" That was my mother. Her voice I would recognize everywhere.

"I oversee the reconstruction so you are save while refurnishing the apartment building.", the man Max said with a rumble in his voice. There was a short silence.

"And ..." he wanted to continue but mother interrupted him.

"What?" Her voice sounded sharp not at all herself. Whenever she spoke she had this soft but strong voice, so sure of herself and always patient to a fault.

"And I wanted to see you again. I missed you."

"Max, you know that we can't do that anymore. If he knows what I am doing with you, that I am unfaithful... you can't expect me to take that risk. Not with my children's and my own life on the line." She said and I could hear her voice quiver as if she would cry.

"Then run away with them. I would protect you, take care of you. I am in a position now that I could arrange some things for the three of you.", his voice sounded just like mine when I asked my mother if I could get one of the cookies she made for the Factionless – eager and pleading.

I tried to take a look around the corner to see the man and maybe understand what was going on. But before I could my brother placed a hand on my shoulder, a finger on his lips and tugging me away from mother and Max.

The sun disappeared behind the roofs and skyscraper in my line of few and I come back from my memory. I cannot remember how much later but eventually my mother disappeared. Father said that she died when she gave birth to my little brother or sister – I never found out. Brother and I were devastated. She was everything for us. And later on I found out how much more she was than just a beloved mother that would sneak cookies in our lunchbox.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	2. Chapter 1

_(Updated: 27.02.2015)_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing._

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><p><strong>Chapter 1<strong>

It is 6 o'clock in the morning when I finish my routine of brushing my teeth and hair, finish preparing breakfast and getting myself ready for school. Nervousness has settled in my stomach the night before because today I would take my aptitude test. It would give me a hint which of the five factions I should choose. I hope with everything within me that I won't get Abnegation and I scoff at me for that. I never was cut out for Abnegation.

Abnegation, the faction of my birth, are the selfless. They believe in forgetting yourself, helping others and that that selflessness could have prevented the war that destroyed the world. Because my Faction is selfless we are responsible for the government because it is unlikely for us to let the power this function brings would get to our heads. Amity, the peaceful, think that being kind, respectful and caring for one another, living in swing with nature is the way out of a catastrophe. They live near and behind the fence, growing our food. Candor, the honest, never lie and thats the reason why they are responsible for the law. They tell the truth no matter what, even if it is considered rude or hurts someone. Dauntless are the brave, the soldiers protecting us, that believe in overcoming fear, and shouting for the weak. Lastly there is Erudite, the faction that believes in knowledge. Knowledge means understanding, understanding means overcoming differences and conflicts.

I hear heavy footsteps on the stairs, the creak indicating that father is halfway down. I straighten my back and dress and take the last bite of my bread.

"Good morning.", I greet respectfully, my voice soft, my head down. I take my own plate to the sink and place his breakfast in front of him.

"Morning, Beatrice. Are you nervous about today?" He seems to be in a good mood so I try to relax my shoulders a bit.

"No, father." I say honestly and grab my jacket from the back of my chair. As I put it on I see him nod. I know what is expected of me and though I made it my daily task to meet these expectations or surpass them I know exactly that I won't comply this time.

"I am on my way to school now. I will be back this afternoon." He grunts in reply and I close the door behind myself taking a silent deep breath. As I make my way to the busstop to wait for the vehicle that brings us into the center of the city I hear someone call my name shyly. I look back to the grey buildings to see a grey girl coming up to me, face a bit flushed from running I suppose.

"Good morning, Susan. How are you?", I say and look back down the road, trying to get the attention back to the girl that now stands next to me.

"Thank you, I am fine. And you?", she asks also trying to stay in role.

"Same." I say quietly and smile a bit. We stand in silence, the strap of our schoolbag clasped in our hands in front of us. I hear the loud noises that indicates the bus that will take us back to school. I let the younger children enter first and try to be respectful when I myself enter the bus. I prefer to stand so I am not annoyed when there aren't any seats left.

When we reach the school my legs hurt a bit because the road has never been fixed properly and the holes are still big enough to jolt the bus from one side to the other. I let the other kids out again before I step down and enter the school building that was my second home for the last ten years. I think I am going to miss the loud corridors, the other kids that are so different from us Abnegation, that show us what we could expect if we would transfer. I stand at a window before my classroom and watch the Dauntless dependents arrive via train, jumping from it, laughing. A boy playfully hugs a girl, two girls laugh hysterically and I smile my small smile happy for their freedom that maybe will be my freedom too.

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><p>The day passes quickly and not long before lunch we are called to a room where meetings like the one that will transpire in just a few minutes are held. I let the other people pass. People I more or less knew since I was 7. We all sit in our rows, our Faction colours orderly – Abnegation in the back because it is more important that the other kids get all the information they need then we do – our small act of selflessness – and Erudite in the front because every new knowledge is important, even the tiniest bit.<p>

The person stepping up is one of my favorit teachers and though he is well liked by all of his students it takes a moment for all of us to calm down – especially the Dauntless dependents.

"Today your aptitute test takes place. And we as your teachers would like to say a few chosen words before you take it. You don't need to be afraid to take it. There is no way you could have prepared for it and there is no way anyone of you could fail. So just trust the person that admisters the test and keep calm. In hindside to organisation: the test for the Abnegation students will be performed from volunteers from other Factions so please go to either room 4 or 5 when you are being called. And last: Whatever the test says, don't forget you can always chose differently. Noone can order you to do anything: not your parents with their expectations, not the test." He throws us a look, a small smile on his face and I feel a weigh lift from my shoulders even if it was just a small one because I just got the permission to go against my father.

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><p>After our lunchbreak we wait in the cafeteria to hear our name being called for the aptitude test. I am not nervous because my Faction History teacher Mr. Raynolds said that the test isn't about knowing something but about something that we would find out maybe many years later when we are old enough because then we know who we are. And Mr. Meyers just underlined that statement with his speech before lunch. I would have liked to ask Mr. Raynolds a few questions because his explanation was more of a riddle then a real help but I didn't because curiosity is frownd upon coming from an Abnegation though not as much because we are still teens and haven't chosen our path yet.<p>

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><p>I remember a night when I met my brother again. It was a short visit because we both knew "Factions before Blood" wasn't just a nice slogan for our constitution but something we had to live by. He was concerned for me and I for him. Everything changed after our mother's death and the future was grey.<p>

"How are you doing?", he asked in his now deep voice, his eyes full of worry as he folded me in his arms. Though Abnegation we both needed the contact that just we could give each other. I breath in his scent, feel the safety that only he could give me and relax. My eyes burn because I just miss him being there with me. I miss his presence in the morning when he would help me whenever it was my turn to make breakfast even though he didn't have to. He would help me with homework in the afternoon and protect me in school, always keeping an eye on me. And he helped me to stay in my role as a daughter of Abnegation, forgetting myself, putting others first. Without him I was selfish.

"Good so far. How are you doing?", I ask him, breathing his scent again that was still the same but different. He was considered a man now, responsible for himself and maybe one day for his family.

"Everything is good. I am held busy with my role in the Faction, I have friends that are looking for my attention. But I worried a lot about you. I know I should have come sooner but I couldn't.." I interrupt him with a hand on his arm. I feel his muscle ripple underneath my palm and I am happy that he can put his natural muscular and strong build to good use. His hair is a bit longer now and his face more defined. And I feel a deep happiness to hear him talk about his social life.

"There is nothing to be sorry about." I say taking his big hand into mine and pulling him down with me to sit beneath the grass around us, the moon and the stars. Even though it is in the middle of the night and the lights of the city long switched off to reserve the energy I don't want anyone to see us and he doesn't as well.

"Beatrice..." I know he felt guilty for leaving me behind but seriously there was nothing he could do because he was four years older and staying in Abnegation was out of the question – for him and for me. I told him to follow the aptitude test, to think of himself when he had to chose his role in our society and promised him more then once that I would follow him if the test said I could or I would find the courage to do so anyways.

"No, I mean it. This isn't the Abnegation upbringing talking that is me, ok?" He smiled and nodded and we looked around us and smelled the grey night. I always felt safe in his company, I always felt at home and though I didn't want to destroy our peaceful and quite reunion I looked at him and asked:

"Do you think that we will be together again? My aptitude test is two years away but maybe..." I stopped myself and took a deep breath. I know I was hoping for something I couldn't control. He watched me for a while and I thought he wouldn't answer and that would have been ok because it was selfish of me to expect him to have an answer.

"I think we will." I looked at him, eyes wide and smiled. Maybe, I thought.

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><p>"Beatrice? We have to go.", a quiet voice next to me said a bit urgent. My cheeks warmed a bit and I apologized before following Susan to the 5 rooms in which the test would take place. I enter cautiously and glanced around the room just to look back at my shoes. Mirrors nearly everywhere. To forget yourself you don't look at your reflection because it would be self-indulgent. The only time we are allowed to is every three months. I find this sometimes hard, sometimes not so much. I know that when we grow older especially from kids to young adults we change a lot and everytime it is my turn to look I get eager and very curious. But every time I just find the same plain girl, same grey-blue eyes, though my hair is longer and I cut it to a reasonable length.<p>

"Abnegation and mirrors", says a black-dressed woman slightly amused. I just shrug my shoulders not knowing if she wants an explanation or just wanted to say something as it often is the case with members from any other Faction then Abnegation.

"My name is Tori. Take a seat, Beatrice." I nod and fumble with the sleeves of my jacket, nervous now even just a bit and let my body sink onto the metal chair. The cool metal helps me calm down a bit and I try to relax my shoulders that hurt from tensing them too long too hard. I take a deep breath and study Tori for a moment. She is everything what I expect a full Dauntless member to be and I am envious for a moment as I see the bold neckline of her shirt exposing tattoos on her collarbone. I envy that she is strong and independet and free to do so. Not because I want to show of my cleavage or something like that but because she feels sure in her body and noone lectures her about the right way to dress and behave. It is suffocating sometimes.

Tori turns to me and begins to press little buttonlike sensors to my head. I don't say anything and wait for her to finish. When she turns back to the monitor my eyes are caught by a tattoo of a huge bird on her neck though I cannot explicitly say what kind of bird it is.

"What does your tattoo represent?" I ask boldly because the details of her body art fascinates me. She turns back to me, one eyebrow raised, an amused but not unfriendly glint in her dark eyes.

"Quiet curious for an Abnegation, aren't you?", she says and I think for a moment that she won't answer me.

"It represents my fear of darkness. It is actually an old symbol for the sun. I thought if I carry the sun with me everywhere I won't be afraid anymore and I overcame this fear with time. Now it reminds me of the strength I possess because I lost that fear." I nod and look back on my hands hidden in the grey arms of my dress.

"Drink this." She says handing me a blue liquid. I see that she doesn't want me to ask anymore questions so I just do as she says.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	3. Chapter 2

_(Updated: 27.02.2015)_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 2<strong>

When I wake up I take a deep breath and find myself back in the room with Tori. She has her back turned to me and I try to get the room to stop spinning. I remember everything and nothing at the same time - a confusing feeling to say the last. I swing my legs to one side of the chair and wait for Tori to say something. She is still typing away and I stand up, my hands brushing the rough material of my jacket and dress.

"So, Beatrice. Who would have thought? Three aptitudes, the main one is quite surprising," Tori says, turning around now, her arms crossed in front of her chest. I watch her taking me in again, my plain features, my baggy clothes, the bun on my head that holds back my waist-length blonde hair and I ponder if maybe she can see something else than the Abnegation. I bite my lip nervously and Tori smiles half a smile.

"Dauntless," she says and the room is spinning again. Dauntless!

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><p>On my way back home, there is still this nervous prickle in my arms and legs that I thought I lost when I turned 12. It makes me want to jump, run and let my energy take me to new heights. It makes me feel alive – something I thought I forgot four years ago. I try to look around myself, try to find the distraction that lets me forget myself at least until tomorrow. Tomorrow I can chose to be me. The apitute test just strengthened my resolve.<p>

Susan sends me a strange look and I know I have to school my features into the stern look I normally carry. I do my best and when we reach the Abnegation complex, the line between her brows has nearly disappeared. Susan and her more or less boyfriend (a boyfriend isn't something you have in Abnegation) join me until we reach my house and I smile shyly as we say goodbye. I think I will miss them both – miss the silent companionship that means friendship in Abnegation.

I enter the house and take my things upstairs. I let myself breathe, really breathe for the first time and look back at the closed door of my brother's old room before entering my own. I have to get myself under control, have to pretend like the aptitude test didn't say I'm Dauntless – brave, loud, and free. At least for the next 24 hours. I can do that.

After hanging my jacket on the rack in the corridor, I start preparing food for my father. He will be quite hungry after his long day in the consul. Just as the water starts to boil I hear a knock at our door. For a moment I frown, I don't know who would be visiting at this time of the day. Maybe Susan wants to talk for a while or make plans for the future because she thinks, like everyone else, that I will stay. Drying my hands off with a simple towel I open the door.

"Hello Beatrice," says the woman in front of me. She is the wife of another consul member that works closely with my father. Sometimes, we spend supper at their house. I would go early to help prepare everything and we would talk about random things. When I volunteered to prepare some bags of clothes for the Factionless, she joined me and we would talk about her son that left Abnegation. She never sounded hurt or angry because she thinks that the children should chose what would be best for them. I smile at her and make a gesture to ask her in. She shakes her head no.

"I just wanted to bring something for you and your father because I thought it would be nice to celebrate your big day," she says, still smiling, and presses a package into my hands. I am silent for a moment, my eyes confused at the small bundle in my arms before looking up again.

"Thank you so much," I say. I find something special in the kindness that Abnegation displays. Its a different kindness than the Amity portray. Amity wants peace no matter what – they bite their tongues and go as far as to pretend that everything is fine, even though something isn't. Abnegation is different in that way. We have our conflicts and we talk about them selflessly. When we show kindness it is warm and heartfelt and true.

She smiles warmly, touches my arm for a short moment and leaves. The gesture confuses me. Abnegation don't touch, but then I think that maybe she wanted to encourage me, like she did for her son when he felt the pressure of choosing himself or fulfilling his parents expectations. I sit the bundle down on the desk and open it. Inside are cookies. The ones my mother always made and I feel my eyes burn for a moment because happiness and hurt make my heart clench. Before the tears can slip I turn around and continue making supper.

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><p>My father is home late, again, but I'm not concerned about it. As long as he isn't home, I can feel a sense of peace even though this house isn't a home. Not really. When I hear the front door open my shoulders cramp up and the old pain comes back.<p>

"Good evening, father," I greet him, and I take his bag from him before hanging his coat on the rack.

"Evening. Is supper ready?" he asks, his voice gruff and I nod my head, serving him beans, chicken and slices of bread. While he eats I start cleaning the tabletops and utensils I used when cooking. I hope he won't ask about the aptitude test.

As soon as I finish my task at hand, I turn around and ask if he wants any more. He shakes his head and I take his cutlery and plate to the sink. Before starting to clean them I give him the cookies we got.

The warm water relaxes me as I clean everything. For a short moment, I let my shoulders sink a bit, sighing inaudibly.

"What is that?" he asks and stands next to me. I nearly flinch. My guard was down.

"We got them as a celebration present from one of our neighbors," I say quietly and hope that he lets it go. I start drying the plates and wait for him to say something, my back rigid again. I don't know what to expect, but I hope he just accepts it as a kind gesture instead of something else.

"Don't you think it would be selfish to eat them ourselves," he says and I know it's not a question. I bite the insight of my cheek, try to stay calm, but my hands shake a bit.

"Beatrice, I asked you something," he says, his voice getting quieter. Quieter isn't good. I nod, my eyes fixed on the plate in my hands. I know, now, what to expect, I know what that means. I know it and I'm used to it. But, I can't stop the terror that infuses every fiber of my being.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	4. Chapter 3

_(Updated: 27.02.2015)_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 3<strong>

At 7 o'clock the next morning I take a last look around my room. The table I did my homework at, the simple dresser filled with three dresses and simple underwear, the bed wide enough for a not full-grown human. I look at the grey and I am sure I won't miss it. I let my fingers glide along the edges of my furniture, the small signs of year long use etched in their surfaces. I look underneath my table and find a small quote my brother wrote shortly before his Choosing Day.

_Our path may change as life goes along, but the bond between us remains ever strong. I miss you SISTER. *_

The tear running down my cheek will just be the beginning and I just brush it away concentrating on normal breaths. I will see him again, I swear to myself just as I did all these years since he is gone.

Before I leave my small world I open my dresser for the last time, fishing in the pocket of an old dress that is far too small. I should have given it to the factionless but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the last dress my mother and I picked up together. Fortunatly father never took the time to control my dresser.

In the pocket I find a picture of my mother, my brother and I. My brother's back is half turned to the camera and my mother holds me up so I can reach a spiderweb. She has a smile on her face, encouraging me to clean it all up and to not be afraid that the spider would eat me. I see my five year old self with a concentrated face. I don't think mother knew that there is a picture of us – probably the only picture at all because it would be self-indulgent to take family photos. It was a picture taken in a moment where we were focused on our work to forget ourselves. The picture along with an article was published in a newsletter from Erudite. They wrote a story five years after this foto took place about the progress we made, evaluating the housings for the Factionless and the work Abnegation did. I found the newsletter in my school and I took the photography with me. I won't leave without taking it with me again. There is nothing left now.

I take small steps, closing the door with a soft click and my eyes are stuck on the door to my brother's room. I miss him so much that my heart sometimes feels like being cut into two pieces. He couldn't come again after his first visit, couldn't leave messages anymore and I was afraid that I won't seem him again. That maybe even something happened to him. I try to shake my head to chase away these thoughts, try to relax my hands that are clasped together hard enough that my knuckles turn white. I take a cautious step forward and open his door. It is as grey as mine, his things long gone because as Abnegation we give and don't keep. Not even for emotional reasons because that would be selfish. And I was selfish for taking and keeping the dress and the picture.

"Beatrice.", I hear my father's voice from downstairs and quickly close the door. He finished his breakfast and I leave the grey behind, going downstairs to clean everything up before we both exit the grey house in the grey street with the grey people.

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><p>We take the bus to the community center where the Choosing of our new Faction, the start of our future will take place. The bus is filled with people dressed in grey. I am glad that we have two vehicles for events like this to transport all of us to the Hub.<p>

As we approach the center my stomach is in knots and my arms and legs prickle. My hands are slightly sweaty and I try to dry them off on my dress. We take the stairs Abnegation style so the other Factions can take the elevators. We have to climb up to the 14th floor where the Choosing will take place. My father holds open the door for everyone to pass through, a warm smile on his face like a good Abnegation. My legs are slightly heavy but I am not out of breath. I stay with him, looking out for anyone that needs help maybe. I see a small girl at the hand of a woman that has to look around to find her husband. I see her stumble and nearly fall but I catch her at the right moment, bind her shoelace into a neat bow and smile at her. The woman is greatful and I feel this warm kindness inside of me.

When the last person has passed the door, father and I take our places in the section for the Abnegation. Dauntless is opposite to us and I can take quick glances at them, at their carefree attitude, their open show of affection and I feel a tingling inside of me that tells me that it will be right to go there.

After everyone sits we hear a warm gong and the hall gets quiet.

"Welcome everyone to our Choosing Day.", a man says. He is at the end of his thirtys I suppose and dressed in black and white. Candor.

"Today is a special day for many of our children because today they chose their role in our society. This role will mean big changes, more responsibilities and a step to being an adult." Applause lets the man stop in his speech. He speaks with a really comforting voice, not to loud or stern. I think he is a good leader for Candor.

"Today we accept the decisions of our children, today we let them be free to be themselves. Today we lose a part of ourself and today we win a new part." Again applause and then he steps back a bit and another woman joins him a tablet in hand.

"Abbiand, Dominic" is the first to be called. I notice him from one of my classes. He was a big guy from Erudite. The Candor Leader Mr. Kang gives him the knife and steps back again. Dominic seems to think about his decision for a moment and then lets his blood drop into earth. He changes his Faction to Amity. Happy laughter fill the air and I smile shyly before I school my features again to become neutral. A moment later father looks at me and I know what he wants to say with his eyes. I feel my shoulders tense again and I try to concentrate on the ceremony but my whole being is filled with nervousness. I feel my fingernails cut into my palms and I try to relax them back or at least to hide them under my jacket. I decide to concentrate on my shoes as long as possible, try to be the Abnegation girl.

An elbow connects with my rips and I look up. A few eyes look in my direction and I know it is my turn to go down there and make my decision, choose myself. I go downstairs, feeling the eyes of father burning holes in my back and I think he knows that not everything is as he has planned a long time again. I think if he could he would come after me, tell me what to do but I won't. Not this time.

I take the knife, make a cut on my palm and without another thought just a feeling like a bubble exploded inside me I hear it sizzling on the coal.

Freedom.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>

_*Quote by Author Unknown_


	5. Chapter 4

_(Updated: 27.02.2015)_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 4<strong>

I don't look back when the Dauntless and I – no, WE – start to exit the room and run down the stairs. The burning sensation on my back is enough for me to know that he hates my guts, that he loaths my whole existence, I don't need to see his eyes to know that. Eyes that always held power over me. But I ignore it, ignore him and everything I leave behind. Susan and her soon to be husband. Selflessness. Hurt. Sadness. I'll keep my mother and brother in my heart with all the memories of them, everything else I let go and the fresh air that awaits me as we exit the Hub lets my lungs fill like I take a breath for the first time in years and was suffocating without really noticing.

I feel the prickle again and a laugh bubbles to the surface. Its an emotion I couldn't ever describe with words. I run with them, the black mass around me the girl in grey Abnegation and I start to see colors before my eyes, the grey vanishing. I see the blue Erudite that hastily leave the street because they don't want to be overrun by the wild people in all black and I know that they frown because we are so loud and they can't understand the life that seems to fill us to the brim. I laugh a bit breathless because a few years back I couldn't understand it as well. But now I am here and my heart punches hard against my ribcage nearly painfully and I feel my blood pumping and I feel so alive I am a bit surprised I don't burst.

We climb the tracks to the train and though my hand with the cut is sending sharp pain up my arm and my legs feel a bit wobbly after the run and because I am not used to so much excersice I climb with them, feel the first strands of hair come loose from my bun but don't care and my lungs fill with air. When I reach the plattform I see the people around me have big smiles on their faces, some clapping on the backs of ours, some sending glances in my direction and the directions of the other transfers and I don't hide my red cheeks or my big smile.

I hear the rattling of the train and see a boy next to me in Candor black and white stand on his tiptoes before he tenses, making himself ready to jump. Some of the Dauntless are calling to one another, edging one another on to be the first to jump on and when the train rushes by next to me I also start to run and I want to be a part of their competition. I see some jump onto it and I have the feeling that I need to practice this because when I get a grip of the handle on the train I nearly fall back but clench my teeth and don't let go. Fortunantly a girl from Candor grasps my other hand and pulls me inside just before the plattform ends.

I smile my thanks and shake her hand shyly.

"Hey, I am Christina", she says and I see sweat on her brow just as I feel it on mine. Adrenalin is pumping through me and I suspect through Christina as well because her eyes are glistining with excitement and I think mine are, too. We are both a bit out of breath and the baggy grey dress is uncomfortably clinging to my back but I ignore it. The train rumbles on, the wind coming through the still open doors cooling my face, my red cheeks and making me sway a bit on my feet.

"Beatrice." I say and sit next to Christina so I won't fall over. My heart beats fast and I can feel the pulse in my fingertips. The overwhelming feeling is still there though I feel a bit exhausted. My smile is still there as well.

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><p>"Get ready to jump!", a woman shouts out approximiatly 25 minutes later and Christina and I stand up. I still have a hand on the wall of the train to make it easier to keep my balance on the swaying floor and take a glance outside of the moving train. What I see gives me a certain emotion – a mixture of fear, surprise and eagerness. Black figures jump out of the train in front of us onto a roof. I see some struggling to stay on their feet, some failing and landing on their faces but just laughing it off and waiting for us to jump too.<p>

I look at Christina again, the black Candor girl, that is a head taller then me with a feminine figure and a very pretty face.

"Together?", she asks and I can hear that she is a bit breathless, her voice quivering a little. I take her hand, want to be bold and nod my head. Maybe if I take her hand I can lend her some of my bravery and some of the daring feeling I feel at the moment. There is a tingling sensation on the back of my neck and I rumb it away with my free hand. I can do this and Christina can as well.

"On the count of three.", I say and Christina nods with a fierce glance to the roof. She squeezes my hand and I hers, reassuring her that I won't let go and reassuring myself that all will go well. We are going to do this together.

"1, 2, 3...", I count calmly and we jump. In the seconds between standing in the fast traveling train and the landing on the roof I feel my stomach drop, but not in a negative way. We land hard, momentum taking us down to hands and knees, scraping our skin and a bit more pain then expected, but Christina is laughing hysterically for a moment and in that moment I know she will be perfect here. I smile in her direction and try to grasp the feeling of our small flight. I want to keep it in me and feed from it for the next time I need something to let me stand up for who I want to be.

We see the other initiates and Dauntless members go to the other side of the roof and while brushing off the small stones from my hands and knees we follow them. I don't know what we have to expect now, I can't find a door at a first look around and I am curious. I watch the other initiates, the Dauntless-born shoving each other with smiles on their faces. I feel my heart warm up because I am belonging here now, maybe I always have.

"Initiates! My name is Eric and I am one out of five Leaders of Dauntless the Faction you have chosen!" The man before us is muscular, really tall and awfully young for being a Leader. He has striking tattoos at his neck and microdermals above his right eyebrow. He is wearing a leather jacket without a collar. Black, tight pants emphasize his muscular tighs. His face is serious, grey cold eyes watching us as some of the other initiates still gather around. My gaze falls now and again to his neck, his tattoos fascinating me because they are so bold and stand out so much.

Growing up in Abnegation we never got tattoos or jewelery because it would be a sign of self-indulgence. And because of that upbringing I should feel something negative about his display of selfishness, about being so selfish in expressing oneselves but the only thing I feel is a sort of calm respect and I am deeply intrigued. It fits Eric. It fits him like the black woman next to him is even more pretty because her red hair and the septum underline her individuality, making her unique.

"Welcome to Dauntless headquarters. There is one way into the compound and if you don't dare to take that step you are no Dauntless." He looks behind him and I get the feeling that the way he was just talking about is there. His voice is like steel, cold and strong. His face speaks of annoyance and seriousness, as if he would love to be anywhere else then here. Christina says something about jumping again even though we just jumped off a not really slow train onto a roof. I am only listening half-heartedly. I am captivated by the way Eric holds himself – arrogant, self-assured and distant – but there seems to be something else as well. I frown a bit at myself and shake my head.

His grey eyes are dark as he lets them travel along the faces of Dauntless-born and transfers as if he is weighing us with that one glance and telling us that we aren't good enough for anything. His gaze is challenging and I am up to it – I feel daring.

"Is there something down there? Water?", asks a handsome boy from Erudite with brown, straight hair, an open face and green eyes.

"Well, that is for you to discover." Eric smirks and it looks cruel. He bares his teeth in an animalistic sort of way, like a dog ready to attack, going straight for the cervical artery. "Or not." His voice sounds so nonchalant as if not jumping wouldn't mean becoming Factionless, becoming an outcast and I feel bile rise in my throath because there is nothing nonchalant about this scenario. It is deeply frightening and disturbing – better dead then living as a Factionless.

I take in his stance and his display of superiority and ignorance of the feelings of others. His behavior repulses me deeply for a second because he reminds me of father when he talked to my brother and me – as if bothered by our existence. Though when I look into Eric's eyes I don't see the same malice and hate, just annoyance.

"Dauntless-born have the priviledge to jump first, if they want. So, who is up to it?" He rubs his hands, almost giddily I think wasn't that a motion so totally out of his character and not in the least associable to him. His hands are big with clean short cut nails, his knuckles slightly red and a few of them have fresh scratches on them. They are hands good for heavy labour like loading and unloading the apple crates from the trucks of Amity but the owner of these limbs doesn't seem to be very peaceful or kind for that matter. I look up from them and back to his face.

Eric is still waiting for someone to step up. Some of the other kids around me look anywhere but Eric not wanting to meet his challenging gaze and I can understand that. The pressure is thick in the air and lets the hair at the back of my neck stand up. Unclenching and clenching my hands I take a short step forward.

"Me", I say and Christina looks at me taken aback and a bit surprised. It makes me angry for a moment but the next second I think that were the roles reversed I would probably look the same. Who would expect an Abnegation to jump first into the unknown.

I take a few steps forward and Eric looks at me now as well, takes in my grey attire, plain face and an amused glint appears in his cold eyes. He mockingly points to the ledge, like inviting me to dance with the danger and I take a deep breath not letting his attitude get to me. I lift my chin and without a second thought climb up, leaving my jacket behind me on the roof. The next step of shadding the girl I was for the person I hope to become.

"Yeah, Stiff. Let loose...", a boy whisper-shouts and I hear other people snicker, my cheeks get warm. There is a spark of feriocity in me because of his comment but I let it slip - it wouldn't be worth any comment or action. This moment is about me. Not about the boy's comment, Christina's surprised glance or Eric's mocking gesture. I try to concentrate on the hole in the ground, try to concentrate on not thinking and maybe getting a glimpse of the things awaiting me beyond the darkness.

I take a deep breath and jump. I don't think I scream, I just gasp for a moment because there it is again. The feeling I associate with flying. Again I embrace it, the feeling between standing on the ledge and laying in the net I find is beneath the roof with the hole. I laugh breathlessly because I just jumped off a roof without a second thought and because the knots in my stomach disappear – I was silly to feel afraid. I feel a jolt, two hands around my waist helping me out of the net. When I feel my feet are securly on the floor I look up and smile nervously. The man before me smiles too. He is tall with light brown skin, honest brown eyes and dark hair.

"Did someone push you?", he asks and his right eyebrow raises a bit. I know my cheeks are red, there is this hotness on my neck and I try to keep myself neutral and from feeling insulted. I just shake my head to answer his question, my legs and arms prickle, my heart pumping hard under the influence of adrenalin and exhiliration.

"Name?", he asks, his voice without the edge Eric's has and I feel relieved. I don't need too long to give him an answer.

"Tris."

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	6. Chapter 5

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 5<strong>

"A Stiff jumping first." A woman next to us says and her voice sounds flabbergasted, surprised and just for a second – I could have been imagined it – I hear respect in it too. "Make the announcement."

"First jumper: TRIS!" he yells, startling me a bit with the sudden loud noise and there is an amused glint in his eyes.

"My name is Amar", he says, his hand touching my shoulder in a reassuring gesture before dropping it back to his side. "Welcome to Dauntless."

I feel a hand on my back that guides me away from the platform and away from Amar. I wait with a few Dauntless, some of them clapping me on the back, congratulating me for being the first to jump. Christina joins soon later and we both smile at each other feeling like we accomplished something quite big. We are gathered together, a mass of mostly black with specks of other colors from the different Factions in between.

"My name is Lauren!" shouts the women from before. She is pretty with her dark brown hair, dark eyes with a little too much make-up around them and the piercings in her brow.

"Dauntless-born, you come with me. Transfers, you go with Amar. Move!" As we stay behind, the black mass of the Dauntless members that wanted to watch dissipating and wait for the other initiates to disappear. I look around myself. We are nine now. Five Candor, three Erudite and one Abnegation.

"Initiates, my name is Amar and I will be your instructor for initiation. Follow me." And without a glance back he turns and starts to walk in the opposite direction that Lauren went.

We move through halls without much light, stumbling into each other, staying quiet. It smells like chalk and dust and coldness if coldness even has a scent. In front of us the tunnel opens into a wide field where many people seem to socialize standing together in groups laughing, dancing and talking.

"This is the Pit. It's the center of life as a Dauntless.", Amar says and we all look around, Christina pointing to stores and I am transfixed by the people making music, the beat happy and strong and wild. I hear them laugh and yell and I can't supress the smile. This is perfect and my heart flutters in anticipation.

"There", Amar points to a double door to our right, the wood a dark red, "is the cafeteria. We will go to your dorm now and after you are dressed in your new clothes I expect you to be here again."

Another tunnel that is too dark to really see something with an uneven ground. As the sounds from the Pit slowly get quieter with each step we take I feel my stomach sink, already yearning to go back there to listen and smell and feel alive. Amar shows us the way to the training rooms but I can't exactly recall it as we enter a dimly lit hall with 10 beds, five along every wall. It's cold and it seems Dauntless puts comfort not really up on their lists of priorities. Or maybe because we are just initiates, transfers at that they won't allow us to get comfortable. I think it is the latter of the two. It doesn't bother me, I had to deal with worse back in Abnegation.

Amar goes through the room and shows us the washroom. The light flickers a bit, the once white tiling is stained yellow at the seams from rust and dirt. The toilets and the showers have doors with a locket on them and I sigh out of relief.

"Who is going to sleep here?" a big guy with friendly eyes asks as we go back into our new home for initiation. Everyone else seems to understand that we will stay together here and settles in the cots. I take a bed in a corner, Christina next to me. The Candor boy that taunted me on the roof sleeps opposite to me. He looks up and throws me a poisonous glare. I am slightly confused. I know I didn't interacted with him or even took notice of him before I watched him at the tracks after leaving the Choosing Ceremony. Amar clears his throat and we look up at him.

"To put down some ground rules and give you the information you need: The clothes Dauntless provides you are under your bed in a box with a locket. Tomorrow first thing in the morning you get your combat boots. Lights out is around 11 pm and you aren't allowed to sleep anywhere else while initiation lasts. And lastly, if I even hear the slightest rumor about sexual assaults or anything of that matter I will kill the culprit myself." There isn't any doubt in my mind that he will and I am glad that he put it like that. I am not afraid of something like that happening to me, but the next weeks will be arduous and I know what that can do to any human mind.

When there aren't any more questions he leaves us to change into Dauntless Black. I try to make this as comfortable for me as possible, pulling on the pants first, draping my dress around me to hide at least my upper thighs. The Candor boy whispers presumably insulting remarks to his friend – another Candor – and I try to ignore him. Christina isn't uncomfortable to change in front of everyone and is ready to go after a few short minutes. She looks so much older now, I realise as I look at her. She seems to notice my discomfort, comes up to me and holds my sheet out before me so I can change my shirt. I suppress my groan when I see that it is a simple black tank top exposing too much skin especially at the back of my neck and my back. I take another look into the box beneath my bed and find a simple black long-sleeved shirt throwing it on as well. I need to roll up the legs of my pants at least two times pushing the sleeves of my shirt up to my elbows. I smile gratefully at Christina when I am finished and grab the grey that was my second skin for the last 16 years.

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><p>We burn our clothes with hot fire that is painting the faces of the other initiates and walls around it in warm hues of orange and dancing shadows. When it's my turn to step up I stay there longer than needed, the heat making my cheeks turn red. The smell of burning cotton and a bit chemistry rises into my nose making it itch but I don't move away because this is freeing to watch. The grey burning away, the flames licking at the fabric turning the grey into black and then grey again as nothing remains but ash and black smoke. I get the feeling that the fire consumes the last part that was the Abnegation girl in me as well. I step back, my cheeks and neck hot to the touch, but I never felt more relaxed, my shoulders don't hurt as much anymore.<p>

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><p>As we enter the cafeteria it is loud, the air filled with chatter, the clattering of trays on metal tables and laughs. Though it is pure chaos it feels more like home then Abnegation ever did. We look around for somewhere to sit and find two boys from our group of transfers sitting with Amar. Christina and I nod in greeting and sit down. I take a look at the food in front of me and quizzically stab the foreign meat with my fork.<p>

"It's a hamburger pad. Put something from this on it.", Amar says and gives me a flask with something red in it. I nod in thanks and put the meat, the sauce and some salad I find on my tray together between two slices of bread. The first bite is heaven. I chew slowly, getting used to the explosion of spices on my tongue.

"You never had a hamburger before?" Christina asks and takes a bite from her food. I am not comfortable with the look she gives me but on the other hand I can understand her confusion. I just shrug and continue eating. Her reaction to my behavior is quite understandable, I guess, because growing up and living in Abnegation is completely different from all the other Factions. They live to spend their time on others, helping them, forgetting themselves, speaking only when necessary and always in soft voices. Christina grew up in Candor and I think she wouldn't understand even if I tried to describe it to her. Her parents probably supported her to say whatever was on her mind, building her own opinions, letting her make her own decisions as long as she spoke the truth. Of course that are just assumptions on my part and apart from the general knowledge that Candor cherishes truth over any other virtue I never learned how the parents of the kids from other Factions going to school with me raised them.

"Abnegation eat simple food. Vegetables, some chicken without any seasoning." Amar answers instead of me. I take a hidden look at him wondering if he was an Abnegation transfer as well.

"Now I know why you transferred." Christina smiles and elbows me playfully in the side.

"Yeah, I left because of the food." I say and I notice Amar chuckling next to me. Before I look back to my tray I see a shadow on Amar's right side. I glance up and meet Eric's grey eyes that are now lighter and not as annoyed as a few hours back. He seems relaxed or as relaxed as he can be I think. He exchanged his leather jacket for a tight west and I can see his forearms are adorned with mazelike tattoos his skin otherwise is a bit tanned but still fairly light. I take my eyes off of him, I don't want him to catch me staring at him and take the wrong conclusions. I eat the last remains of my hamburger making a mental note to control my curiosity better.

"Hello Amar. You want to introduce us?" he asks, a smirk present on his lips. Amar grumbles something but sighs and points at us.

"Will and Al. And these are Christina and Tris.", he says and Eric looks at us one after another before he sits down next to Amar his hands clasps in front of him on the table. I am not quite sure if they are friends or not. They seem familiar with each other and as soon as the introduction is finished they start to talk in as quiet voices as possible. I strain my ears to hear something but the noise around me makes it impossible to catch anything.

When I finished my first meal in my new Faction, I try to take all of it in – my transfer, the lightheaded feeling from all the vanishing stress and the anticipation I feel for becoming Dauntless and everything that that entails. I wait for the others to finish their meal as well, listening to their banter and glance around the room. There is so much color and life and my eyes have been starving.

My eyes stop at a sort of balcony. I see a man with dark skin and observant eyes. There are three other people with him as well. Two woman and one man. I notice that two of them have the exact same tattoos Eric has on his neck. All of them have an air around themselves too. The way they hold themselves – not unlike Eric's and when I make that connection in my head I know that these are the other four leaders. They are older than Eric, at least ten years and I ask myself how he became this important when he is still so young. There is a signal and suddenly everything gets quiet.

"Initiates!" The man with the observant eyes calls and everyone looks up to him.

"You chose Dauntless! We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another! Make us proud in honoring these ideals!" There is cheering all around us, clapping and cups are being smashed against the tables. All of this including the laughs shrill and deep and exhilarating resonate in one intensive wall of sounds of belonging and being alive. We are hoisted up on some shoulders and Christina, Will and Al laugh and I know I have a big smile on my face as well though I am a bit uncomfortable with the hands on my thighs and the hard clasps on my back. But I ignore the rising panic and let myself get drowned in this overwhelming moment of perfection. This is Dauntless.

"Can we go, Tris?" Christina asks a while later, the celebration for the new initiates over or taken to the Pit, our cups empty and I nod. We stumble again through dimly lit hallways finding our dorm easily enough and getting ready for bed soon. Amar told us to be ready at 8 am and the day was pretty much to take in for all of us. My shoulders relax as I lay down in my cot, the sheet uncomfortably rough on my skin but because I grew up in Abnegation I had to live with much worse.

"Night, Tris." Christina yawns in the bed next to me and I smile.

"Night, Chris." I mumble, feeling free and drifting off to sleep with a happy nervousness in my body.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	7. Chapter 6

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 6<strong>

The Dauntless compound is really something else, I think as Chris, Will, Al and I go through the dark tunnel to the training room. There are many doors and some corridors don't have any light. You have to tread carefully or otherwise you could easily break your feet or leg in a hole you didn't see or scrape your skin on the rough edges at every wall and corner. We continue, Will having easily memorized where to go to get to the training room because in Erudite it was the only thing he did all day growing up (his words), stumbling now and then. I ask myself as my shoulder connects with Christina's if we will get used to it and someday walk these paths like the other Dauntless – proud and without faltering in our steps, laughing and shoving and being carefree.

And I imagine my brother and myself, both marred from our lives, with daring tattoos and black clothes that cling to our bodies as we shove each other playfully, he squeezing my hand and laughing about some remark I make as we are on our way to the Pit to celebrate something with our friends. I smile slightly, a surge of reassurance running through me because I can convince myself again that I was born to be Dauntless and that I could make it even though I am nervous, my shoulders hurt a bit because I am still tense from memories and experiences at home because I am always on my guard and I have no idea what to expect.

When we reach the door Al lets us pass through first. I take a deep breath and take the big hall in. The air smells of dust and steel and sweat and is stale. The light from the neon lamps, hanging low from the ceiling hurts in the eyes, flickers sometimes and doesn't reach the corners of the room. The ceiling is so high up that I can only see some holes in the dark tinted glass where rays of sunlight illuminate a small part, the rest stays in the darkness. The floor is cement grey and peppered with small puddles of water probably from when it rained a few days back. The steel beams throughout the room are covered more in rust than anything else and were presumably black a long time ago because the red brown rust is interrupted by small specks of black paint that is chipped. Chris pokes me in the ribs and I look to her questionably only to be made aware that the others are a few feet away further in the room. I nod and we approach them. Amar leans against one of the steel beams, his posture relaxed.

I see a big chalkboard behind him and for a second I feel like it is my first day of school again. Back then everyone else was taller than me, back then I was even more unsure of myself, back then I had no idea what lays in front of me and back then I was so nervous my stomach was in painful knots and I wasn't sure if I wouldn't puke in the next seconds. And it just feels the same now like back then. The only things different then that first day at the school was that everything was grey and the only happy memory was of my brother with his encouraging smile and a firm hand on my shoulder trying to communicate that he believes in me. I wish his hand could be on my shoulder now. I shake my head slightly to get rid of this old me that stuttered a bit, was timid and unsure. I am Dauntless now and with that thought in mind I take another step forward and look at the board.

Our chosen names are listed in alphabetical order and for a moment I am a bit confused what that would be about. I watch as Eric moves from behind the board his presence imposing and changing the atmosphere immediately – at least for me though the other initiates stand up straighter as well. It's strange that he has that effect on us. Besides being cold and cruel about the whole becoming Factionless speech he hadn't had a chance to establish this respect or even fear. I guess it's just his charisma that demands compliance. The bold tattoos on his neck and forearms, the microdermals on his forehead and the black tapers in his ears with his natural tall and broad frame add just up to that fact. He is a sight to behold and anyone would be intimidated by him.

I try not to watch him and fail because nothing is quite as interesting as he is at the moment. I guess Eric falls under the caption: different in my head and that's the reason why he even is interesting for me. He doesn't acknowledge anyone, crossing his arms in his signature stance and keeps track of the time displayed on an old clock on the wall. I wonder for a moment if this image he tries to display is just an act or his actual personality. If he is always so distanced, aloof and cold or if there are moments when he isn't so well guarded and you discover a different facette of him. But I shrug it off. As interesting as he is too look at, initiation is about to start and I concentrate on myself, making sure my mind is calm and I am relaxed enough.

The door opens with a squeak behind me and I know that everyone is on time because Eric's eyes don't darken but stay cold and light grey.

"Welcome to your first day of initiation!", he bellows and no one feels welcome at all – at least I think so because everyone shrinks back a bit.

"See that board?" he asks, "That is your fucking life as of right now. You will be supervised throughout your training and though you don't train with the Dauntless-born in stage one you will be in the competition with them and each other for the ten spots we have for new members this year." Ten spots? We are nine and the Dauntless-born are twelve... that means... I gulp.

"What does that mean ten spots? Why didn't we know that before coming here?" Christina asks her voice incredulous and I know she tries to keep her tongue in check because her hands on her forearms are clenched hard, the skin there being lighter in response to the pressure she puts on it. But her voice doesn't waver, her shoulders are square and she isn't afraid to stand her ground. A perfect Dauntless, I think.

"Why does it matter?" his voice is deadly calm and he takes a few steps towards Christina who is next to me. I bite my cheek and square my shoulders the same way Christina does. I won't back down. I won't appear to be intimidated. My eyes are fixed on his face. I think I wouldn't take him so serious if he had shouted his question or hissed, narrowing his eyes or letting them become the dark grey they seem to change into when he is agitated. He stops just a few feet away from us, using his body to make us step down, and his eyes trained on Christina. His voice is sharp like a knife when he speaks again.

"Would you have chosen differently? Out of fear? Because if that's the case then you should get out now because you don't fucking belong with Dauntless. If you are really one of us it shouldn't matter that you might fail." Christina's shoulders shake and I am not sure if it is because she is afraid or because she suppresses her rage. I glance at her face out of the corner of my eye. Her lips are pressed together so tightly they lost most of their natural color. I am not sure if she is about to cry or desperately tries to hold her tongue.

Eric stares her down ready to continue taunting her but before he can open his mouth I step forward, standing between him and Christina. His gaze flickers to me and for just a split second I see surprise and something else I can't place in his grey eyes. My eyes become hard and I try to express all my emotions through them. I let myself feel the agitation for the way he spoke to one of my new friends, the anger about his words from yesterday, about his uncaring, cold and arrogant way he treats us. I don't try to say anything – I think it would be in vain anyway because my voice would betray me.

He raises one eyebrow and I am not sure if he is mocking my defiance or impressed by my stupidity to openly challenge him. Eric smirks, his hands in the pockets of his black pants now and the whole picture of him is in huge contrast to his quiet outburst not a minute ago. He seems to be quite pleased with himself.

"As I said" he begins again, turning around, walking away and it seems nothing out of the ordinary has happened, "you will be ranked on the skill you display while the initiation lasts. There are three stages – one being the physical including how to fire guns, fight and throw knives, second the mental and third the emotional. At the end there are just ten people left and when I see you standing here I am quite sure that I don't have to see any of your stupid faces when these weeks are over ever again." He watches us, calculatingly and with superiority his last sentence before he nods to Amar to continue, "You chose Dauntless, now we have to choose you."

There is a heavy silence and the air presses down on my lunges. I take deep breaths, try to unclench my hands because my nails cut deep in my palms and I feel the wetness of small amounts of blood and sweat that burns in the small wounds on them. I raise my eyes back, see Eric looking at me and in my stubbornness I raise my chin in defiance again knowing I have this look in my eyes that made my father clench his jaw in anger. I know it isn't one of my smartest moments. And then he smirks again, scratching his chin with an unknown glint in his eyes. Amar clears his throat and I stop staring at Eric feeling the anger in my stomach for him acting that way and for me being effected.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	8. Chapter 7

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 7<strong>

"Today you will learn how to shoot a gun and win a fight." Amar says and lets his eyes travel over our faces. His voice is strong and a little cold. He picks up the guns from the table and gives everyone of us one. The gun is quite heavy. I am not sure where to put my hands the cold metal feels foreign there. A mixture of respect for the dangerous weapon I am holding and power because I will learn how to use it to defend people I care about surges through my body. The strange thing is I am not scared though maybe I should be. This weapon can end a life in just a second and this knowledge alone should evoke a feeling of nervousness within me. But I feel calm, relaxed even. I know that the gun doesn't define me or who I am or the decisions I make but I do.

A gun doesn't kill people, people kill people. When it comes down to it I know that maybe I have to kill someone with it to protect maybe myself or someone I am assigned to protect or have to protect because the loss of that someone would kill me. The thought of killing a human is surreal and I am not sure if I could do it – I guess there will always be a slight insecurity if I could do it if the situation rises. I correct myself then. Not 'if' but 'when'. I am Dauntless now, I will get through initiation and I don't live with the false hope that it won't be dangerous at times; that there is a possibility where I am confronted with making this decision. My thoughts are interrupted by the boy further back with dark eyes and black hair – Peter his name is, I think.

"What's", he yawns disrespectfully, "Got shooting a gun to do with bravery?" Before Amar can answer a gun is at Peter's head stopping him midyawn, his eyes widen in shock. I wasn't even aware anyone could move so quickly.

"Because, idiot, it will make sure that you don't soil your pants and cry for mum when the situation arises when you need to shoot." It's Eric and he doesn't look amused. He waits for a reaction, I am sure but the boy just watches with big, fearful eyes. I notice Eric's eyes are dark grey again – like the clouds before a storm.

"You have a loaded gun in your hand, use It.", Eric shouts, removing his gun and looking to Amar who nods with a smirk.

"As I said, pay attention, I will only show you once." He takes a gun himself and goes to the targets. He spreads his legs shoulder wide and closes one eye. I try to memorize everything about his stance, how he tenses his muscles in his arms and shoulders, how he concentrates on breathing. As he shoots the noise startles me a bit and I hope no one noticed it. When I look at Amar's target I see he shot the bull's eye. We watch on as he shoots two more times and every detail sticks in my head.

"Begin.", he says and we go to a target each. Christina is on my right side, Will on my left. I try to imitate Amar. Legs apart shoulder wide, tensing the muscles in my shoulder and arms, breathing regular. I feel eyes on my back but try to ignore the feeling. The trigger is harder to pull then I thought and before I shoot for the first time I memorize everything. I can start to concentrate again. When I finally shoot, I hear a 'Whoop' next to me. Christina smiles brightly at me and I notice that I shoot the second inner ring.

"Good one, Stiff." I hear a voice behind me, aware without looking who it is. My shoulders cramp up painfully. "But try to be more prepared for the rebound otherwise you will hurt yourself. And don't be so stiff, relax." He grabs my arms, his touch rough but not painful and moves them a bit, his calloused hands raw against my forearms. He lets his hand glide to my aching shoulder, touches them, his thumbs pressing into the muscles and I hiss softly hoping he hadn't heard the sound. I am too dumbfounded to react, too surprised by his actions.

"Eric?!" I hear Amar shout from the other end of the line and the presence behind me vanishes leaving my back exposed to a sudden coldness. I flush and stare at his retreating form, my teeth gritted together. Christina throws me a thoughtful glance before going back to shooting the gun.

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><p>When lunch rolls around everyone is pretty good at shooting the gun. I saw Eric help Edward – the other boy from Erudite – but he didn't invade his personal space like he did mine. Before running off Amar tells us to meet at 1 pm sharp for the next step.<p>

As we enter the cafeteria it is pure chaos again and the life that pulses through the room makes my cheeks flush again. I am getting addicted to being alive. I look around, narrowing my eyes. Unfortunately I am too short to see enough, give up my search and follow my new friends to the food line. We pick something from everything and take a table in a corner.

"So, what do you think fighting will be like?" Will asks his Erudite curiosity showing. I just shrug and concentrate on the food in front of me.

"Hm, maybe we have to fight each other?" Christina grins and wiggles her eyebrows, seemingly looking forward to the thrill. I chuckle lightly. Al on the other hand seems to go pale.

"Oh, hopefully not. Hurting each other is so pointless." I fix my eyes on him and take him in. His big build would be his great advantage. His speed might be a problem though, as are his friendly eyes and soft features. Maybe he is too nice to fight?

"Backing down from a challenge is cowardice." I mumble and Christina nods next to me. Al wants to say something but Christina makes a point and interrupts him:

"What do you want to do after training?" she asks cheerful. I think for a moment and try to find a reason that lets me be alone for a while.

"Hm, I guess I will have to see after the fighting exercise. I am not quite sure how we will feel afterwards." I say and try to be vague. I took a quick liking to Christina and Will and Al are nice guys but I don't want to make the mistake to rely on them in any way possible. Trust is dangerous.

"I think I will go to the tattoo parlor." Christina says and takes the last gulp from her water. She looks to the boys: "You coming with me?"

"I am up to it!" Will says, cheekily smiling at Christina who blushes. I am not naive when it comes to flirtation. Though I grew up in the most conservative Faction I had enough time in school to see all the ways a boy charms a girl or a girl makes a boy look at her in that special kind of way. As Abnegation we are taught to direct our eyes to the outside, to take in everything around us to forget ourselves. So I being the good Abnegation girl just did that and observed people. The other Factions aren't very strict when it comes to interactions between males and females so I had a lot to look at, especially in the last two years when my classmates and I turned 14 and the opposite gender or even the same was so much more interesting than Faction History.

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><p>When we get back to the training room, Amar stands in another area then this morning. Next to each other are 10 orange punching bags. Behind them I see a podest with thin mats on the ground.<p>

"Attention everyone!" Amar yells and we stop looking around and concentrate again. I feel a bit tired after the lunch, my limbs a bit heavy. I take a mental note to cut short on lunch if possible or to eat just something small and light. I don't want to throw up in the middle of training or fighting and I have to be wide awake for the things to come.

"You did well on the gun part. Now we continue to fighting. The purpose of this is to prepare you for the tasks you will have after becoming a Dauntless member. You have to be skilled in defensive and offensive tactics as it is our purpose to secure our community. To fight means to act and fighting against each other will prepare you to act when the time comes." I recognize that he said 'when' not 'if' and a mixture of an expectant eagerness and a bit of fright creeps under my skin.

Eric is watching us out of a corner of the punching bag section, his gaze calculating and when his eyes are on me I know what he is seeing. The weak stiff with arms like pencils, no muscle to see and too short to even reach his neck. I let my eyes flicker back to Amar but I feel Eric's eyes are still on me. I take a breath and challenge him with one look of my own. He counters with one of his half-smirks and I try in vain to not let it get to me. I make it a point to ignore him for the rest of training, gritting my teeth and pushing everything else out of my mind.

"I will show you a few techniques how to punch, block, kick and I will demonstrate them just once so pay attention or you will regret it tomorrow. Your body has to react to danger accordingly." Amar goes through some movements, his moves are powerful and precise even though I haven't seen any fights or techniques before to really compare it. Next he moves to the punching bag and shows us some other things we should practice. When he is finished I am filled with anticipation. Amar made it look like breathing, the movements graceful and natural.

I go up to a punching bag and try the first stance, knowing that my build isn't very practical for fighting. I am small and haven't a lot of muscles though my endurance is probably the best. I start in slow motion, trying to make sure that my stance is correct, that I inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth. I try to tense my midsection and use my elbows and knees at first slow to make them as precise as Amar's were.

"The Stiff seems a bit slow – but what do you expect from the Faction that has to forget itself." Peter says and I turn my head to him, feeling my cheeks flush. My neck is hot and my heart beats fast. I think I am not prepared for this kind of competition and that's the reason why it gets to me. I try to come up with a comeback and want to say something. Peter looks expectantly but I just huff and turn back. He isn't worth it, I tell myself and accelerate my punches and kicks. I try to find my own style while getting the ground techniques down without a fault. I know that I am not strong in the way everyone else is. But I have my small build and my speed. At least that is what I try to tell myself.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	9. Chapter 8

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 8<strong>

"Tris?" I am interrupted by Amar, a bit startled by the sudden invasion into my series of kicks and punches. My arms and legs ache but I push myself to continue, to go through the movements as precise and powerful as possible.

"Yeah?" I ask and am a bit breathless as I turn around. Both of his eyebrows are lifted and he stands with his arms crossed.

"What exactly are you doing there?" Amar looks a bit amused. If I had to guess I think he saw my spin kick. I noticed that even though I punched and kicked with all my strength the punching bag barely moved so I tried to find a way to put more force behind it coming up with a few changes for the techniques Amar showed us.

"Um, I tried to adapt your techniques to my advantage." I say and hope that he doesn't make a scene and I am in no trouble for it.

"Good work. Keep practicing." I am surprised but smile as he continues down the line. Christina is again next to me and smiles as well.

Thirty Minutes later Amar calls us together again. Eric isn't anywhere in sight.

"Tomorrow, 8 am sharp we meet again and start the fights. Get enough rest. Dismissed."

Chris and I sigh at the same moment and share a small laugh about it. After showering and getting another good meal we separate. The boys and Chris want to go to the tattoo parlor and I told them I wanted to go explore the Pit a bit – it's only half a lie. When I leave the cafeteria there are a lot of people around all split up in smaller or bigger groups being loud, drinking alcohol and talking. I smile to myself.

I take a tour around, finding shops for clothing and groceries, hair and make-up, piercings and everything that Dauntless seems to make Dauntless. When I reach the chasm I stay for a moment, watch the dark water crown with white foam run under me and let myself get hypnotized by it. It gives me Goosebumps – all this water, the loud noise it makes and I feel insignificant compared to its raw power.

The people passing me as I make my way up give me second looks and I ask myself why that would be. Maybe I look to normal, I think and take a bit of my hair into my hand. I always was a plain girl. My features hadn't anything special, my hair was a normal blond. My body hadn't developed any really womanly curves.

I follow some uneven steps up and look around. Under me is the Pit, dimly lit with loud noises. When I reach the end of the stairs and take another look there is a room across from me that picks my curiosity. I go to a half-open door and glance inside. The room is cold, the walls are build out of red bricks and graffiti is everywhere.

I don't know why but it gives me the creeps. I regard the art on the walls, trying to compare it with the art I have seen when we went to Amity to help with harvesting all sorts of things. It is rough around the edges and brutal, some drawings make me blush, and some hypnotize me with their wild beauty. After I took a turn around the room I leave it again and turn to my right to see an elevator. I am not quite sure if I am allowed to use it but I think I should at least try.

I randomly press the button for the 8th floor. Nobody else seems to need the elevator at the moment because it drives directly to my floor. When the doors open I take a tentative step outside just to collide with someone.

"What are you doing here?!" Oh no, I think. I take a step back and let my hair fall forward to hide my face a bit.

"I asked you something, Stiff." he says, arms crossed over his broad chest, one eyebrow raised, cold gaze fixed on me. I take a deep breath, square my shoulders, try to convince myself that I am not intimidated by his presence just startled because I ran into him. I know my cheeks are flushed because he called me Stiff. My mind replays the scene from earlier today – the way he treated Christina and the way he helped me – it's quite controversial. I take a deep breath through my nose and discover his scent. It is musky and masculine and lets something inside of me flutter for a second. When I finally answer him, my voice is steady, my eyes neutral and my cheeks not as pink anymore. I look him in the eyes.

"I am sorry. I wasn't aware that we aren't allowed to be here." I say calmly and his eyes are again dark grey, clouded with anger. I look to his right side and see a room full of monitors.

"Better leave or else I will make you regret ever coming here." I just nod surprised to be off the hook so easily. I turn around and go back into the elevator with steady steps, not too slow or too fast. I don't want to show him that he has an effect on me – I would hate to think he sees me as weak, anyone seeing me as weak for that matter. Against what others might believe or name as their reasons it isn't that he is taller than me or more experienced that sets me on edge around him. It's his eyes that let me shiver. Of course I cannot be sure but looking into them is like being in a middle of a storm or heavy thunder. His eyes bore into my back until the doors of the elevator close.

After my encounter I go back down to the Pit and to the Tattoo parlor. On my way there I meet Christina, Will and Al cheering and being teenagers.

"You decided to join us?" Chris asks and seems happy about that. I shrug with half a smile on my face.

"I wanted to see what you got." I say nonchalant.

"Oh, I got something on my shoulder." Will says and I get a bit closer to him to see what it is. He pulls off the bandage a bit. It is an intricate tribal design, black ink on his tanned skin and it looks really good. As I look closer I see a small scar. An idea springs into my mind.

"It looks really great.", I answer, giving him back his personal space and look at the Dauntless symbol Al got and the quite charming tattoo Christina has now on her arm.

"I think I want something as well." I tell them and they seem to be surprised by that simple statement.

"Sure, Tris. But we wanted to go explore the shops a bit, maybe find something more fitting to wear or some medicine what with the fights coming up. You don't mind going alone?" Christina asks and I am happy that they won't accompany me.

"Oh, that's fine. I guess it will take a while anyway." We say goodbye and I go into the parlor, loud music coming from high hanging speakers. I look around and find the woman that took my aptitude test next to a man that looks nearly identical except for his height.

"Hey Tori?" I ask and try not to interrupt their conversation. Tori looks up and takes me in.

"Oh, the girl from Abnegation? What was the name...? Beatrice?" she seems friendly enough and isn't annoyed.

"Yeah, it's Tris now. I was thinking maybe you could do me a favor?" I look from her to the man next to her. I don't want to talk about it in front of him. Letting Tori do her job will be hard enough as it is. She seems to see my glances and smiles reassuringly. I decide, I like Tori.

"Oh, don't mind the idiot here. That's just George my brother.", she says and I need to remind myself that I am in Dauntless and calling someone an 'idiot' could be an endearing nickname or an insult. The way she has her hand on his shoulder tells me it is the first.

"Hey, George." I say with a small smile and he nods his head smiling as well. Tori leads me into a room further back and sits me down on a couch taking a stool for herself.

"So, about this favor. What is it?" Tori asks and I start to explain.

When I leave the parlor my lower back is covered with a bandage and I have a huge smile on my face. Tori said she just needs one or two more meetings depending on how high my pain tolerance is and I mentally snorted at that. I am glad that she didn't ask anything and from what I could see in the mirror she is doing a great job.

As I reach the dorm there is no light on and I try to manoeuvre through the darkness. I hit my foot on my bed hissing softly in pain but other than that everything went smoothly. When my head connects with the pillow I don't need to wait long for sleep to overtake me.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	10. Chapter 9

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 9<strong>

The next day I am up at 6 am. My body arches as I sit up, but my mind is used to my Abnegation timetable, wide awake and ready for the day ahead. After I change into a fresh set of clothes protected by the darkness around me I take my boots and leave the dorm silently making my way down to the cafeteria to get some food into my protesting stomach.

I encounter just a few people as I travel the tunnels but they don't seem to even take notice of me, some of them too tired, some of them too focus on their own thoughts. When I enter the cafeteria there aren't many people present. I take some orange juice, salad and a cheese sandwich with me and sit at a table that is in a far corner.

Preparing breakfast was always a ritual for me back in Abnegation. It was one of two times a day I really was alone, could stop pretending and be myself. Now I don't have to pretend anymore but the simple task of cutting bread and vegetables and brewing the coffee for my father had something consoling. Maybe I need to find a new ritual.

My body is a bit sore from training yesterday. In Abnegation we never did something other than preparing food and cloth packages for the Factionless, going to school or helping the neighbors so I am not used to physical things like punching a bag.

I see Eric enter with another man. He looks in my direction, his eyes cold as ever. I meet them with my own. I won't back down, won't appear weak or intimidated. I know it is like playing with fire but I have to prove to myself that I am strong and that I can stand up for my own after so many years of hiding and suppressing myself. He frowns for a moment then concentrates on his companion not looking in my direction again.

When I have finished my breakfast I head to the training room and take a look at the other areas we haven't been to yet. There is a station with different weights to lift and a track that leads in a ring around the whole training hall. I start to jog around the room, getting blood to my muscles and warm up. The cold air burns in my lungs but I ignore it.

I decide to lift some weights afterwards, trying to build some muscle. Though I have no idea what I really have to do to not hurt myself I try to work it out while testing what feels right and what just hurts. I want to prove myself – I want to be Dauntless. I HAVE to be Dauntless otherwise I won't see my brother again. When I think about him needles pierce my heart and my eyes burn a bit. I hope I can find him soon, get a glimpse of him somewhere and can talk to him again. I am afraid that we are strangers now, that I wouldn't recognize him anymore.

I hear a door slam shut and exhale a shuddering breath, my heart speeding up. The person rounds the punching bags and I see it is Amar. I smile at him, my heartbeat relaxes a bit and he waves at me before coming to the lifting station.

"Morning, Tris. You are up early." he says, his eyes taking in my routine, his arms crossed over his chest.

"I couldn't sleep anymore and thought I could train a bit before the fights today." I reply, my breath labored because the weights take their toll.

"Good idea. You aren't very muscular and will have a hard time in competition with the others. But you are fast and with the right hits you can take down anyone really.", he replies and corrects my stance. I flinch a bit sending him an apologetic glance.

"Sorry, it's not you. I am just sore." I say hiding my face behind my long hair and taking a step back.

"Sore, I see." I don't think he believes me but I don't care. Amar glances again at my shoulders and I realise I forgot my sweatshirt just wearing the tank top Dauntless gave me yesterday before burning the grey. My cheeks burn and I hope to whatever deity there is that he won't say anything. His brow creases a bit but he just nods and goes back to where we shoot the guns yesterday.

After lifting I go back to the punching bags. My arms ache and I have some difficulties to direct my body through the adapted fighting movements from yesterday but I clench my teeth together and just continue.

A while later the other initiates enter the room and Chris frowns at me being already here.

"Where were you this morning?" she asks and watches my drill.

"I couldn't sleep anymore and before I got bored I..." I am interrupted by Eric. When he entered the room I couldn't say. I observe him while he advances on us from the opposite direction. His whole posture speaks power, his steps self-assured and arrogant and I find myself watching him like the others do. It seems that everyone around him moves when he moves, as if he is some kind or predator and we all are his prey. I am torn between respecting this about him and feeling repulsed because I don't want to be the prey for anyone anymore.

"Initiates!" he shouts, "Today we start the fights. First jumper, in the ring!" He lets his eyes linger on me "Last jumper... time to fight!" I feel my hands get sweaty and the nervousness bubble in my stomach. But when I enter the ring it just falls away from me and I try to concentrate.

The last Jumper is the other girl besides Chris from Candor. Her name is Molly. She is bigger than me in height and weight and I think when she hits you just right you can easily black out. I hope I am fast enough to evade it.

"How long do we fight?" Molly asks, entering the ring as well and looking at Eric. Amar is next to him his face unreadable except the clenching and unclenching of his jaw.

"Until one of you can't continue." Eric answers, crosses his arms over his chest, his eyes glinting with something as he takes a sideways glance at Amar as though he expects him to speak up.

Molly and I watch each other for a few moments, both of us trying to guess what the other would do. It seems that this is too boring for Eric because he yells:

"What are you waiting for? Begin!" I take that as my call and advance at Molly trying to land a kick at her knee. But she is faster than I thought, evades it and her fist catches me in the jaw and lets me see stars. I try to ignore the shouts from the sideline, the snicker from Peter and Drew and even the cheering from Chris. I shake my head trying to get rid of the dizziness and the ringing in my ears.

Her next attack I can block but the force drives me back a bit and lets me stumble for a moment. Molly gets another punch in my face on my nose and I feel my blood run down over my lips. My breathing is faster and I feel fatigue creeping up on me. I take a deep breath, watching the movement of her feet, concentrate on the position of her arms. When she wants to advance again, I make my move evading her brutal fists.

I hit her in the chest and her stomach with my left elbow and right fist effectively knocking the wind out of her and I charge bringing us both down to the mat. I try to pin her arms down with my knees but she gets her left free and her fist gets me in the stomach. I clench my teeth, try to suppress the sharp intake of air and bring my elbow down into her face knocking her out.

I roll to my right side trying to catch my breath. From the corner of my eye I see Eric with a glint in his eyes and a smirk on his lips. It makes my stomach roll in an uncomfortable way. Amar circles my name on the board.

"Get Molly into the infirmary." he tells Drew and Peter. I stand up with difficulties, my head pounding, my heart still racing. I concentrate on not stumbling, on staying strong and hard until I am alone and out of Eric's sight – or as far away from the others as I can get in the training room. I hold a hand to my nose, brush away the red liquid on my lips and chin with my left forearm. When I am half hidden behind the punching bags, I sit down on the cold floor, my back against a steel beam. I suppress a groan and start to concentrate on anything else then my injured nose.

I don't like Molly I decided when I watched her yesterday. She is an uncomfortable person to be around, her sneers and strange ways to look at people give me chills, but that they let us fight, let us punch each other bloody until just one person is standing feels wrong. In my frustration or just because that's my morale standard I don't see any sense in that 'teaching method' at all – more like 'torturing method'. But I won't argue about it. If I have to fight like this to become Dauntless, I will do it.

When the adrenalin slowly vanishes from my blood the pain kicks in as well. It feels like someone hit me with a brick repeatedly in the face. I groan silently, one hand on my jaw the other clasps at my nose to stop the bleeding. I lean forward for a moment and the blood speckles on the floor between my legs fascinate me – maybe my brain got damaged too. When I straighten myself again, Chris approaches me with a smirk, handing me a few wet and dry paper towels. I smile at her gratefully and begin to wash away some of the blood with my free hand.

"Well, that was a sight to behold!" she exclaims cheerily. I lay my head back, taking a dry towel now to press against my nose and try to look at Chris out of the corner of my eyes. I give up just a few seconds later because it just hurts so freaking bad. My eyes are tight shut now and I have to concentrate to not let anyone see just how exhausted I am.

"What do you mean?" I ask and hiss when I press my nose the wrong way.

"Molly going down, of course. The three: Molly, Peter and Drew are the most awful people I had the displeasure to grow up with. Peter would always pick fights with other kids and then tell the adults that they were trying to hurt him and of course he being a child from Candor no one even suspected him of lying." I nod and think that it fits perfectly with the image he portrayed in the few moments I had to interact with him or deal with his insulting remarks.

"I hate the three of them." Christina says, emphasizing every word and I am slightly taken aback by the seriousness in her voice. She laughs then, a gleeful sound and I try to suppress the snort that defiantly would be painful. Maybe Christina was at the receiving end of one of Peter's schemes otherwise I can't explain her fierce hate for him

"Did something happen to you because of Peter?" I ask cautiously because I am not sure if it is a sensitive subject for her. She stays silent for a moment.

"No, not to me. My younger sister. She is Candor through and through so she had no problem to put her dislike for him in blunt words after he bullied a friend of hers." I hear pride in Christina's voice and I can connect with her on that level. I am proud of my brother as well – at least of the things I know he did. For a second I ask myself what he is up to now and if he is ok and continued to make the right decisions over the easy ones. I scoff at myself – of course he did. He is the best person I will probably ever know.

"What happened afterwards?" I ask and feel Christina next to me tense up. Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it to someone she just met and I overstepped an imaginary line. I want to tell her as much, that she doesn't need to speak about it if she doesn't want to, but she already leans forward a bit, elbows on her crossed legs and sighs.

"He made her life living hell with that worm without a backbone Drew joining him without a second thought. It were small things: feeding our parents lies about her to the point where they wouldn't believe a word she said and being Candor that was the worst that could happen. Tripping her and assaulting her in other ways that wouldn't leave a mark on her, spreading false rumors in school. She lost so much and I tried my best to stop them, especially Peter, be there for her, but I had my responsibilities and couldn't be around all the time. I feel like it wasn't enough... I could only do so much, though. We were both looking forward to Choosing Day because it meant that she would be free of him. I still feel a bit bad for leaving her behind but at least I know he is here and she can start to heal." Christina finishes her speech there and I feel anger within me. How dare they team up on a younger girl just because she was honest and put one of them into their place. I think I hear a certain note in Christina's voice and feel compassion for her. I shove her lightly in the shoulder and she looks up, her eyes full of remorse and sadness.

"I hope she will be alright. And I think you can stop feeling bad for not doing enough. As far as I can tell from your story you did everything in your power. You lend your sister strength and she made it to the day she was free. That's everything that counts now." Christina looks surprised for a moment, her eyes thoughtful and nods slowly. She doesn't thank me and she doesn't need to. We stay silent for a while, both of us nursing emotional scars or in my case physical injuries. When Christina speaks again, her voice holds happiness again and I feel relief:

"I am happy you finished Molly off the way you did – it was spectacular. Hopefully I get the chance to..." she doesn't continue and I bring myself to look at her questioningly. But Christina doesn't look at me but to something ahead of us. She frowns and her shoulders are squared and tense.

Eric approaches us, turning slightly to evade the punching bags. He looks in our direction, his steps powerful and I wait for the impact of scornful words or a mocking quip in my direction because I am sitting here with a bleeding nose and watery eyes. I scowl at myself and I am disappointed that I can't hide how much effort it costs me to not just swear and cry because my nose is still bleeding and my jaw hurts like hell. All I can think about is how I look to everyone else at the moment – beaten and exhausted. It's the dominant thought in my mind and that's new for me. Of course I cared about some opinions of others, about their perception of me but never with this sort of fierceness. It startles me. But maybe I shouldn't be surprised because perception is everything at the moment – how Amar and Eric see me, how they judge me because they are my instructors and decide whether I can be Dauntless enough to join their Faction for good.

I know I won and that that should be the only thing that counts but I am not sure. I don't know which criteria apply, what Amar and Eric are looking for in the new Dauntless members. Or maybe have to look for – there is always a possibility that Eric as the youngest Leader has to follow orders the older Leaders give him. Maybe he himself isn't very fond of the fighting or at least the way Dauntless makes us fight without guards for our knuckles or anything like that. I don't have the slightest idea about him, his opinion or the criteria important to make it through initiation. What describes a fighter good enough for Dauntless? It could be that someone who fights fiercely and wins is not as good as someone that maybe loses but shows huge potential. I try not to frown in thought and keep my face neutral because every facial expression is sending ripples of pain through it. I will find out eventually when the rankings are posted at the end of our second week.

"What is it, Stiff?" Eric asks and I am startled out of my musing because he is suddenly crouched down in front of me, taking my face into his hands. He pushes away my hand holding the paper towel to my nose not too gently and takes a close look at my face. My nose stopped bleeding and I am grateful for it. His hands I evaluated not two days ago are surprisingly warm and careful as he inspects the damage. When he probes my jaw I close my eyes and moan softly. But the pain though sharp goes away in a few seconds and leaves it throbbing numbly with the rest of my face. I want to see his eyes because I am suddenly so aware of the situation. I am aware of him being so out of character and _close_ that I have to take a closer look, have to know what color his eyes have now. He furrows his brows, his gaze searching, his eyes an amazing grey and not as cold as they normally are.

"Doesn't look broken. But you need ice.", he says, his voice quiet and thoughtful, one hand in the back of my neck massaging my arching muscles subconsciously, the other prudently at my chin. He is showing a side I would never expect him to possess. I nod and realize I need air. I wasn't aware I had stopped breathing, so I inhale slowly. I am surprised I can smell his scent even though the airways in my nose are clogged with blood. And I am even more surprised that it calms me down. I frown slightly at my own reaction. It doesn't add up with the emotions I started to develop towards my instructor. It doesn't fit with the caution, slight intimidation or respect. Eric stands then, giving me another evaluating glance and for a moment I get the impression that maybe he has to make sure for himself a last time that I was ok. Then he turns around and I am confused. He disappears through the punching bags and I stare after him. My mind is blank only to be overflown by assumptions a second later.

"What was that?!" Christina exclaims next to me in a whisper-shout and the only thing I can do is shrug. Her eyes are huge and her mouth opened just the slightest in surprise, confusion and not really surprisingly a bit of disgust. If I wasn't so confused, my mind not overloaded with questions, hypothesis and his scent that could impossibly still linger here and I couldn't possibly smell with my blocked nose I would have laughed at her expression. Whatever just happened I have no idea what it means and how I should feel about it.

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><p>The other fights that day are equally brutal and more times than not I try to occupy my eyes with anything else but the ring that is now filled with blood sprinkles everywhere. Will loses against Al and I see the big soft Al drop his shoulders, with a frown and a hurt glint in his eyes. Christina easily wins against Myra and I ask myself for a moment why Myra joined in the first place but I push that thought out of my mind because I know that it isn't my place to judge at all. Not an hour after lunch Amar tells us that we are free for the day. I breathe a sigh of relief and go with Christina until she says she wants to visit Will in the infirmary. Al stays behind, hands in his pockets and shoulders slumped forward.<p>

"You did well, Tris. You are really strong and brave, you know", he says and I know he is honest even though his voice is flat. I don't feel brave and strong at the moment and defiantly don't look like it. Al isn't the kind of person to just say something like that – at least that's my first impression – and I get a feeling that there is more to his well-meant compliment. Maybe it is just my fear of someone getting close to me or my overactive imagination but an awkward feeling spreads in my midsection and I clench my teeth together to suppress it.

"Thank you, so did you." I answer and he flinches. I do my best not to role my eyes or scowl at his reaction because he is a nice guy and I knew from the first time we talked about the fights that it would be extremely difficult for him. I should be gentle with him, should make sure he is alright. But I trample down this notion because it is the Abnegation teaching that's speaking and not my own emotions. It's confusing to have two mindsets. It was second nature for me to think Abnegation first. I have to work on that, because the Abnegation way was never my way and it was suffocating sometimes. Now I have the possibility to discover who I can and want to be and I should start on the process.

I try to decipher what I as a person feel in hindsight to Al's reaction and the way he expresses himself. It's a bit difficult because it is buried deep within me. And then I find it: I don't really care if he is sad or not. Al has to be strong for himself and it won't help him if I coddle him or the things that lay ahead of us. We are initiates in Dauntless – we have to learn to be brave and strong. So I just look forward. He is walking next to me brushing my arm randomly or not so randomly when I catch him watching me out of the corner of his eyes for the third time. He speaks up after a while, presumably deep in thought about my compliment.

"Yeah, I don't think so... where is the point in hurting a friend? And the next one and a half weeks we will do nothing but fight... I don't know if I can do it. I guess I will just pretend that I am unconscious after a few hits..." I breathe deeply and try to stay calm. His sobs through the first two nights and his reaction at supper just yesterday make me feel sorry for him at least for a bit. I can't phantom the feeling of missing my home or parents. I didn't have a home – not in the normal meaning of the word anyway – and my mother is long dead.

"I think you should try to give your best and pretending to lose although you could easily win isn't your best." I say, elbowing him softly into the side and smile a hopefully encouraging smile. He answers with a sad half-smile himself.

"I don't like to hurt people. These fights disgust me." His smile vanishes just as quickly as the words left his mouth and maybe he understands himself how they sounded. Maybe he regrets his decision of joining Dauntless – I can picture him quite well in yellow and red. I feel sorry for the boy but another part of me feels repulsed by his behavior. I don't want to talk anymore and there is nothing I could possibly say that wouldn't hurt him. So I remain silent and think: _Coward_.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	11. Chapter 10

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 10<strong>

Soon I am by myself again, happy that Al went to the cafeteria and I have the time to calm myself down and recover emotionally at least a bit. I go to the tattoo parlor after getting ice for my face and George greets me as I enter. I make my way over the counter he stands at. He sports a broad grin when he sees my face that begins to color in blue and violet hues. I answer with a small smile myself that turns into a grimace. I hear him chuckle and I just shrug. We are Dauntless – we accept wounds, we count on them to teach us something.

"Well, look at you, Tris. Fallen into a paint-pot?" I snort slightly and watch Tori approaching the counter George and I lean against at the moment.

"Cut it, Tori. Fights started today." But I think I didn't need to point that out. It's quite obvious anyway.

"Did you kick some ass?" Tori wiggles her eyebrows, a glint in her eyes that can only be described as eagerness and with a friendly smile around her mouth. A proud smile appears on my face only to vanish a moment later.

"Look at her face, Tori. She got her arse handed to her." George pipes in and I throw him a poisonous glare. Of course he would think that. I don't look like a fighter. He touches his pointer finger between my eyes and says.

"Don't scowl at me, you are as frightening as a white fluffy cloud." Now I really get angry and feel bold.

"Actually, my arse is quite well, thank you very much. But my opponent isn't so lucky, probably still out cold in the infirmary and with quite a few bruises, too." I throw him a challenging glance. I don't think I can take him but a bit of playful banter and a hidden threat don't hurt. Tori laughs at the dumbfounded expression on George's face.

"Well, better don't underestimate her. She looks like she means business and we both know that a child could win against you." George scoffs, shoving Tori lightly and I grin as broad as possible without flinching in pain.

"You know that isn't true at all. If I remember correctly I beat you a few times while we were both initiates." He wiggles his eyebrows at her, his smile mischievous. Tori scoffs.

"As if. And as much as I would like to prove that point, Tris and I have a date. So shut it and do something useful for once in your life." George flips her off and I shake my head at their behavior. If my brother and I will act like that in a few years, too?

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><p>Tori leads me behind a screen and asks me to pull off my long-sleeved shirt and open my bra. I am a bit uncomfortable but I trust Tori and she as a tattoo artist has probably seen enough naked woman to think nothing of it. I lay flat on my stomach, my discarded clothes under me, ice pack against my nose.<p>

When the buzzing of the tattoo gun starts I let it calm myself down. Until now I didn't let myself think about the events with Eric – at least not as much as I need to work through it and get at least a small understanding. In all honesty I don't want to think about him or the events, what prompted his behavior and what it meant. I don't want to over-analyse it and come to wrong conclusions. Maybe it is just Dauntless standard to look after initiates that sit on cold floors with a bleeding nose and nearly crying. Or maybe Amar pointed it out and Eric decided to make it his own business. Or maybe he does this for all the initiates that proved they could take a blow and still stand on their own. But then again he didn't go to Edward that had a split lip and looked a bit exhausted after he won against Drew. And he didn't take Christina's face into his strong hands to look if her eye needed treatment in the infirmary after Myra landed a lucky blow to it.

Whatever it was I have no idea. I don't even know how to feel about all of this. Its two days into initiation. I already shot a gun, thinking of the consequences and the responsibility. I learned how to fight in general, took blows and dealt them and won my first fight. I get my back tattooed right now, get to know new people, even making distant friends and I am constantly more stumbling then walking into situation I never had to deal with before. I feel like I fell into the chasm and the water is drowning me with all the things happening around me. I am surprised that so much can happen in two days – it feels more like two weeks to me since my blood sizzled on coal. And seriously all things considered: Eric seems to be not as important or as big as a problem compared to everything else. But he is the most prominent thing in my mind. My thoughts circle around him in a confusing pattern.

As Eric explained the Dauntless initiation to us I was shocked just like the others were. When I think about it now I can see the purpose of such an intense and thorough choosing process. Our whole existence as Dauntless roots in three important tasks: to protect, to be brave, and to be strong. The Leaders couldn't just let anyone pass who missed these primary traits and tendencies. Some are strong but can't think straight in a challenging atmosphere - a serious problem considering that our duty is to be strong where others can't be. Some are intelligent but lack the ability to decide or to even fight when you have to. And I think that it's not like Eric personally wants us to fail. He is strict about these rules and takes the process seriously and for that I can't blame him – Dauntless needs the best of the best. And I can respect him for that as well because if the roles were reversed I would do the same. His ways of approaching it are debatable, though.

In general he seems like a first grade asshole – cruel, distant, and arrogant. He made fun of us, treated us like scum and it seems like he doesn't really care about any of us getting hurt or even killed. I really should hate him or even dislike him. I probably would if he hadn't displayed some kind of nice characteristics – at least towards me. Another thing that doesn't sit right with me but is too complicated to think about without more information. I just know that if I want to figure it out, I eventually have to figure him out in all of his contradicting behavior.

I am not sure if I should divide my energy on another subject, though because training, fighting, shooting, the other initiates and on top of that finding out who I want to be, overcoming my upbringing and past – it isn't a clever decision to load something else on my shoulders. But Eric has picked my interest or at least his controversial behavior did. I am curious what I will find out and hopefully I can find a closure to the subject soon, too. The best way to get some information is probably to ask around I think. Taking the opportunity that presents itself now, I will start here – at some point he had to interact with the people from the parlor.

"Tori?" I ask, my voice low enough that nobody would really hear anything but loud enough that she can still hear me over the buzzing sound of the tattoo gun.

"Hm?"

"I am a bit confused about Eric being a leader... isn't he awfully young for such an important position?" The slight pain from the tattooing needle is gone for a few seconds and I bite my lip. I hope I haven't gone too far by trusting my instinct that Tori preferred coming straight to the point instead of beating around the bush.

"No, not at all. Age doesn't matter here in Dauntless, you know. If you fulfill the criteria it doesn't matter if you are fresh out of initiation or not. Though Eric is indeed the first one to fall into this position at this age." she answers, resuming to draw the intricate pattern I described to her on my skin. I hum and try my luck again:

"Do you know him...? I mean from before he was an initiate?"

"No, he was a transfer... Erudite if I am not mistaken. Good Faction to come from when dealing with all the crap the Leaders have to deal with according to the things I heard." the last part she more or less mumbles to herself.

"And what was he like while he was an initiate?"

"Tris, what's with all the questions?" Tori again pauses on my back and rolls around the table I am laying on, the rolls of her stool squeaking. She gives me a slightly annoyed look and I think there is suspicion there as well.

"Oh, you know... he is a difficult person and my instructor – I guess I am a bit curious, that's all." She raises an eyebrow and I am not sure if she believes me even though I train my face into a harmless mask of slight interest. She sighs and puts her foot down on the pedal that activates the tattoo gun. I think I let it just drop... of course it would seem strange that I ask her about my instructor and a Dauntless leader nonetheless. I let my head fall back again and wait for the session to be over with but to my surprise Tori answers.

"I can still remember when he entered the parlor... I mean, he was an initiate like any other – wanted to prove himself, wanted to find himself and was afraid what would wait for him if he wouldn't last initiation. Normal at this age and in his position. Although ... I think his transition was easier because he just fit in here, you know. As if he was a Dauntless-born. He was really determined."

"Hm." Is all I can reply because my thoughts are back in overdrive. When I look at him I couldn't picture him in anything else then the Dauntless black with the daring tattoos, the piercings and the tapers and I agree with Tori. I don't know how he was before he left knowledge behind for bravery. I don't know if he grew up like me, having this urge to run, go on an adventure and proving himself even as he still was wearing a blue jacket. I just know: I don't know him but I know he belongs here. He is Dauntless.

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><p>"All done", Tori exclaims in front of me, taking her foot off the pedal and the buzzing stops. I am back from my thoughts and in the parlor blinking a few times to chase away the last hypothesis I came up with. We switched positions a few times between Tori working and me musing my thoughts about a certain Dauntless Leader.<p>

"Want to see it before I cover it up?" she asks and I nod. I hold my black shirt to my breasts, swinging my legs over the stool I sat on and she shows me to a full length mirror. Black and red ivy branches cover my whole back in an intricate pattern, framing a person in the middle that is just a shadow of a real human. The figure is held down by thorny tendrils, the thing representing a mouth is opened wide in a scream. A smoke like substance escapes the mouth and the words _I am not afraid anymore_ are billowing in it. It looks like the scene from one of the books father had me read when I grew up and I feel pride within me. It's all in the past.

"It's amazing, Tori. Thank you so much." I glance at my shoulders and my collarbone, the ivy spreading there as well quite naturally. Tori watches me, can probably fathom what made me get a tattoo so big and bold first thing entering Dauntless and not even through initiation but until now she never even said a word about it.

"I made something similar but really different a while back." she begins and I tense up a bit. I nod, letting her put Vaseline and bandages on my fresh tattoo before I close my bra and pull on my long-sleeved shirt pushing the sleeves up to my elbow.

"I won't tell anyone, Tris. Just know ... I mean, if you ever want to talk about it or anything for that matter, I am here." I am surprised that she actually said that.

"But you don't know me..." I mumble, feeling ungrateful that I point out something like this before thanking her for her generous offer. Tori frowns for a moment, shrugs and then gives me half a smile.

"I know, but I like you, shorty." I scoff at the nickname, shove her playfully and she laughs.

"Ok. Thanks I guess."

"You are welcome. And put some more ice on that nose of yours." I grin, waving goodbye to her and George and going back to the dorm. There will be more fighting in the afternoon, the morning belonging to gun practice and general exercise to be up to Dauntless standard physically.

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><p>It is again late when I reach the door to our dorm and Will and Chris are standing in front of the door, whispering something to each other, sharing flirtatious looks and small touches. I smile to myself.<p>

"Hey you two!" I say calmly as I walk up to them, hands in the pockets. They look up, Will with a gentle smile and Christina looking thoughtful. She says something to her love interest and he leaves us behind. I want to ask what she is up to but Chris just takes my arm and leads me to another tunnel further away from the dorm. She glances around as if to make sure that no one followed us then she pulls me down beside her. I am quite confused what this is all about.

"So, again about Eric..." She starts, trailing off and I groan inwardly. I don't want to talk about that, not if I don't know what his actions even meant and how to feel about it. Chris seems to notice my discomfort but I don't think I can placate her with a small shrug like back in the training room.

"Look, Chris. I don't know what that was about and believe me, I tried every angle to look at it." I say frustrated, running my hand over my scalp, trying to let go of the tension in my shoulders. The visit to the tattoo parlor relaxed me but now that Chris looks at me inquisitive I feel them cramp up again.

"I believe you... but don't you think it is extremely strange... I mean the way he looks at you..."

"He looks at me?" I ask startled interrupting her. I hadn't noticed it and I tell her as much.

"Yeah, Eric watches you. I am surprised you haven't noticed, sometimes he seems to want to burn holes in your back." I shudder slightly, brushing against Chris' arms and she chuckles a bit. Maybe she thinks I am disgusted by her observation. But I am really not – it confuses me, makes me a bit uncomfortable and edgy because it is so difficult to understand his motivation to do the things he does. For a moment I wonder what he sees when he looks at me.

"Just be careful, Tris. I don't think he is a person to be trusted... and though you try everything in your power to not get close to us we are still you friends and you can talk to us." Chris says this so casually as if it is completely normal to avoid people and shutting them out, as if friendship meant nothing more than having a common goal and nothing else. And then I think that maybe being from Candor she understands to some degree that to keep from lying but still hiding truths you have to stay alone and distant yourself. I don't want to lie to the people that so easily took a liking to me, integrating me into their chosen group of friends.

"Thank you. I don't understand what he did back there not to talk about why... but if there is anything I'll tell you, promised." She nods and lets the topic drop easily enough now. We sit in silence for a bit longer, both exhausted physically and mentally. As we make our way back, Chris shoves me playfully and says:

"You know, you should accompany me to the shops tomorrow... getting a few pants and shirts that don't look two times too big on you." I smile at her, looking down at the rolled up legs of my jeans and nod.

"Yeah, I would like that. "She smiles in response, squeezing my hand for a moment and we both slip into the now dark dorm. Chris is a wonderful person, I realize. Determined and strong, but caring as well. I hope that we will stay friends even though the shadow of initiation is looming above us reminding us that maybe at some point it means her and me that we have to become opponents. The thought makes me uncomfortable but I don't want to question myself now, don't want to think about being ruthless or caring or how I would react. All in strides I think, lay down in my cot and am fast asleep.

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><p>Two days after my fight Molly is up against Chris. I see Eric shortly as we enter the training room after lunch but try to ignore his presence as best as I can, my curiosity back in full force. He stands opposite of me and doesn't look in my direction. Maybe he regrets what he did the day before yesterday. I shake my head slightly and concentrate not on him but on anything else.<p>

Amar steps up and calls Molly who spots a nasty bruise on her face and Chris into the ring. I know Chris is strong and when I watched her practice she had the techniques down good enough for the third day of training. But I also know how Molly can throw a punch and I am slightly nervous. Not too long after everyone arrived, Eric steps up.

I throw Chris an encouraging smile and she nods. Eric seems impatient, the hand at his side clenching and unclenching. What bothers him? As Chris and Molly enter the ring he speaks up:

"Begin. We don't have all day." His voice is cold and distant. Chris seems to notice that he is on edge and starts to move Molly mirroring her.

They circle each other Chris trying to break through the blocks. She is faster than Molly but it seems Christina can't use that to her advantage. A punch catches her in the face and blood pours from her newly split lip. She uses her forearm to wipe it away and I see that she tries to get the dizziness that overtakes after a punch to the face to shake off. I want to encourage her, want to call out to her because I can see that Molly's defense of her midsection is really weak if at all there and that would be Chris' chance but I keep quiet. Yesterday Edward tried to help Myra being the good boyfriend he seems to be and Eric made him run around the tracks until his legs gave out. Chris is my friend but I won't risk punishment at this stage and I flinch at my selfishness. In all honesty I am just happy that I am not the center of Eric's attention today.

I hear a crunch again. Chris nose is bleeding now as well and she falls over. I see her arms shaking badly as she tries to get up but she isn't fast enough and Molly's foot connects with her rips. I flinch a bit and hope that the bones are still intact otherwise Chris would be as good as Factionless. My clenched hands start to cramp and I try to loosen them a bit, shaking them next to me. Chris is still on her knees and I beg her silently to go unconscious but she grits her teeth, tries to breathe through the onslaught of hits and kicks from Molly and suddenly she screams and yells:

"Stop, please. I'm done." Her left hand is spread out in front of her, her voice strained and Molly takes a step back. I look to Amar and Eric. Eric raises an eyebrow and I just know that that means nothing good.

"You surrender?" he asks and his voice is calm. Chris looks up, her lip bloody, the blood still pouring down her chin and her face is wet from sweat. Chris nods and I know she feels ashamed. Eric nods as well, contemplating and to all of our surprises offers Christina a hand to help her up. She takes it suspiciously.

"Everyone, come with me. Let's take a break!" he calls out and we follow him. The hairs at the back of my neck stand up and I can't help myself but feel nothing good will come of it. We are silent as we follow him and Chris walking next to him, pinching her nose to stop the bleeding. When we are about to cross the bridge over the chasm, Eric's arm around Christina's back, it happens. He suddenly pushes her over the edge, his face calm, holding onto Chris' arm. Her other hand tries to get a grip of the railing and after a second succeeds. I look horrified at the scene, Chris hanging on the railing for dear life and Eric crouched down in front of her. His voice is calm and collected as he begins to talk:

"You have three options now. You hang in there for five minutes and I will forget about your cowardice, let go and die or quit and become factionless." He lets go of her hand in a heartbeat not even batting an eye though the water rushing beneath us is deafening and deadly and he is playing with Christina's life. My stomach is in angry knots and I wonder why he doesn't feel my burning eyes on him because I am sure that he has to feel the heat radiating off of them and my wish for him to suffer. But he just calmly looks at his wristwatch and then lets his gaze wander over us.

"Dauntless NEVER give up.", he says, emphasizing every word and his jaw is working hard. He seems livid that even one of us contemplated giving up and saying so as well. He doesn't smirk, doesn't smile, there is no greedy glint in his eyes and they are dark again – he is agitated and not enjoying himself. I just don't get it. When there is nothing in for him, why does he torture Chris like that?

And then it hits me and I feel numb for a moment. He wants to teach us all a lesson. He could have told Molly to continue, to drive her fists and feet into Chris until she was a bloody mess on the floor of the ring but instead he made us go with him to teach us a lesson we were too blind to see beforehand.

We all know that Dauntless is about bravery; we read about it in the manifesto of the Factions and the Leader's speech at our first evening here is still fresh in our minds. The fights we have to participate in prepare us to act when the need arises but the way they are designed they also teach us to stay strong and brave with a cool head even if we are losing. Giving up even if we are injured or out of breath or a little bloody isn't an option. Not if you fight for dear life. Out there, anyone who is out to kill or injure us, will do it, no matter if we beg for mercy or not. In a situation where it comes down to their lives or ours they would not hesitate to kill us if we surrender or not. I swallow the bile that rises in my throat and look back to Eric and it seems there is something he sees in my eyes because he nods at me just once.

I can't stand to look at him anymore though a mixture of comprehension, fright and rage filling me. So I watch Christina's arms shaking slightly and she tries time and again to get a better grip, her fingers slipping from the wet metal of the bars. Her face is still bloody but scrunched up in concentration and determination. I feel deep admiration for her in that moment.

When Eric calls time I am slightly surprised that Edward helps me when we pull Christina over the edge. She is breathing heavily and her bodyweight presses down on my smaller frame but I want to be strong for us both so I give my best to hold her shivering form up until Will comes forward taking her other arm, his face pale but his eyes burning when he looks to Eric. I look at him as well, with his posture so uncaring and cold, his face bare any emotion and his eyes dark grey.

And even though I know now what he tried to tell us with this little show of cruelty everything I thought about him just vanishes. I don't see the man who holds my grudging respect, who is hard but determined and who has picked my curiosity in a special way. I see a man too cruel to let him overlook initiation. I hate him with a passion in that moment and I am furious with myself because I know that that isn't completely true. I try to push my doubts away and really feel my dislike for him but all I can think is that I am unfair, stubborn and biased because he hurt and humiliated my friend.

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><p>We were dismissed after that, everyone to shaken to continue fighting. After taking care of Chris's injuries we sit in the dorm. She is now curled up on her cot, Will's arms protectively around her, and her head on his chest. In that moment she looks like the 16 year old girl she really is and not the determined, strong and passionate nearly grown-up she displayed when she first put on the black clothes of Dauntless. I try to smile at her encouragingly and leave the two of them alone. Some wounds heal better if you are with the one person you care most about.<p>

I am by myself again and though I feel comfortable enough to hang out with Chris, Will and Al I enjoy my alone time. It gives me the silence I need to reflect on myself and the things around me. I stop at the chasm, leaning my back against the railing and my mind replays the incidents not three hours ago. I cross my arms over my chest and huff. No matter how hard I try I don't come up with a way Eric could have taught us this lesson differently. I ask myself if I would have understood what he meant if he simply explained it and I come to the conclusion that no, I wouldn't have understood. Of course the concept would have been clear to us, but it was only after we saw it with our own eyes that we really comprehended it. I wasn't even aware of this lesson in the beginning.

Eric saw his chance when Christina surrendered and he used it. One could argue about the whole pushing an injured person over an edge thing and torturing that person with only really one choice but observing it objectively he probably wouldn't have let her fall. At least I try to tell myself that he knew that Christina would be strong enough to hold on. I sigh because just like that the hate I felt earlier is gone. I may not like his methods but I understand the importance. All of this is quite confusing and instead of more questions I would like to receive some answers soon.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	12. Chapter 11

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 11<strong>

My nose is healing fairly well and though still sore to the touch I don't have problems to breathe properly anymore. My body gets accustomed to the ever present ache as well although I have to withhold on anything too exhausting when I begin my training early in the morning before anyone else is up. When our actual training begins I just feel a slight pain in my muscles. Amar didn't approach me again. When I get to the training room after a good breakfast he does whatever he is supposed to do and I run a few rounds and lift a few weights afterwards.

I am focused on holding my arm just right to not destroy some tissue in it when I feel someone approach me. I go on not bothering to acknowledge whoever joins me, breathing in through my nose and exhaling through my mouth.

"You have to go through the whole movement." Eric says and before I can think about what he means he grabs my arm, his body so close I can feel the heat radiating off of it on my back. He places his calloused hand on mine showing me what he means. My fist nearly disappears under his. His arm next to mine makes me realize just how different we are in physical aspects. I know he is tall and muscular but compared to my thin pale arm he seems even more so. I concentrate on my breathing, smelling his scent again and I ignore the same flutter I felt when I first encountered it.

"Your muscles are both extensor and flexor so you need to go through the whole movement to have a better result for your training." Now I can easily make out his Erudite upbringing. I nod and he steps back, watching my movements for any faults as I lift the weight again without his assistance. Eric places a hand between my shoulder blades and one on my shoulder pressing and pulling lightly to let me know that I have to stand straight to not overuse my shoulder joints and let the muscles in my arm do the work. His hands are feather light and I am surprised that he can be so gentle when all he displays is hard and edged and cold. When his hands leave my body I look over my shoulder at him, a smile of gratitude on my face. He looks at me closely, his eyes narrowing just the slightest bit and in the next moment grabs a wayward strand of my blond hair to brush it behind my ear. I am confused about his gesture and blush slightly.

He moves over to the barbells and starts training himself. I observe his movements out of the corner of my eyes. I enjoy the view, his muscles rippling with the added strain from the weights. I concentrate on my own training again, losing myself as I try to push myself even further, lifting more, repeating the same exercise again and again until the pain in my muscles is too much. I move from station to station, working on different muscle groups. Neither Eric nor I talk and the silence around us is comfortable. He isn't bothered by my presence and seems to be relaxed. It surprises me because he always seems to be on edge around people as far as I can tell. And I am, too.

After a short pause to drink some water in the washroom I find myself a mat to do sit-ups on. When I am at my tenth repetition a shadow falls over me. Eric stands there, his face in a frown, arms crossed in front of him. I look up to his eyes, a question in my own.

"You don't need to curl up to your knees, it just damages your back. Half the way up is enough for this muscle group and more effective." I just stare at him quizzically. He sighs, crouches down and puts a hand on my shoulder. I repeat the movement and he stops me in the middle of the sit-up.

"Don't go further up, it can damage the tissue in your back and your spine." I let myself fall back removing his hand in the process and look at his crouched form. He is looking down at me, his grey eyes now light and I can't read anything in them. I would do everything to find out how this brain of his works or how he is able to suppress any emotion to show itself on his face or at least his eyes. If I would be able to read him I wouldn't have the urge to ask him about his motives.

"Why do you do that?" I ask before I can stop myself. I frown for a second at my own bluntness but the question is out in the open now and I can't take it back.

"Do what?" His voice is calm and deep as he asks back. I want to roll my eyes but restrain myself from doing so. Maybe he wants to give me an opportunity to back off, or maybe he is actually confused about my sudden question. Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it. It doesn't matter. Now that I asked I want an answer.

"Help me all the time." I wave my hand in an all-around way and I don't think I need to elaborate more. It's quite clear what I talk about.

"You needed someone to tell you what you did wrong." With that he stands up, turns around and disappears behind the punching bags. I push myself up on my elbows and stare at his retreating back the muscles under his shirt moving hypnotizing until I can't see him anymore. With a huff I let myself fall on my back, one hand on my stomach the other next to me. I sigh inaudibly because I can't lie to myself. I can't pretend that I am just curious about what is behind the grey eyes. I can't tell myself that I just want to know what makes him tick because no one can be just plain cruel without interior motives. Not anymore.

It isn't curiosity that makes me aware of his presence. And it's not my interest in him as a person that lets my heart beat faster or my breath hitch. I am attracted to him physically. I want to be frustrated at my confession but I am not. I think every warm-blooded female can appreciate a good male body and Eric's is – to put it bluntly – delicious. Though I am not comfortable with my new knowledge about myself I accept it because it would feel wrong to deny it.

I sigh again. Instead of finding out something about him, I found out something about myself and my questions are still unanswered.

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><p>The door to the training room squeaks open and one after another my fellow initiates enter. We stand before the board again and Amar watches me for a moment longer, a questioning look in his eyes then he clears his throat and starts to speak.<p>

"Today you learn how to throw a knife. You may find yourself in a situation with your ammo low and only a knife to help you, so don't take this lightly. Take the knives and watch me closely." Each one of us take the prepared knives from the table. They are cool against my warm skin, fairly good balanced as far as I can tell and not as heavy as I thought.

Amar goes through the movements and I try to memorize them just as I tried to memorize it while he showed us how to shoot a gun. His legs are shoulder wide apart again, one foot behind the other. He inhales through his nose and takes aim. One arm is angled behind his head, the other swings in a flowing motion knife in hand. He focuses again, exhales and lets the knife fly. It lands in the middle of the target.

"Get to work."

I first try to get used to the new stance he showed us. It is a bit uncomfortable at first but with a few adjustments I think I will manage. When I take the knife in my hand I start going through the movement of throwing it without letting it escape my hand. When I think that it would be good enough, I take the stance, inhale, and exhale and let the knife fly. It hits the target but doesn't stick to it. I try again and I smile. I managed to hit the target near the bull's eye.

"You know, you really are good at all this aiming stuff. It makes me jealous." Christina smiles at me and I am proud of myself. The others get it down really fast as well having more experience with regulating their breathing and aiming in general.

Al isn't so lucky though. He throws sloppy, not giving it all his heart and I flinch a bit because I know he cried again last night. I tried to ignore it and when he finally calmed down I stood up and left for training. I don't know if I should go to him and help him. Then I stop myself – I won't think Abnegation anymore. He has to be brave for himself and needs to find his own inner strength.

I see Eric walking around, his hands behind his back, supervising us. His eyes linger on me for a second and he is squinting at me. He wants to go to me to reprimand me for standing around, I think but stops shortly before he reaches me to look at Al. His knife is headed to the target but lands on the floor instead far from hitting the target at all. Al turns to Will, shrugging his shoulders to something Will said and waits for the others to stop throwing so he can get his knives back.

"That was pathetic." Eric says and I slump forward. Poor Al. Eric approaches him, his whole posture that of a predator again and I think it's a bit unfair to choose Al as his target. He is a far too easy prey for someone as skilled as him.

"It slipped." Al answers, his back now straight. _The prey fighting back with weapons that won't help him._

"Then you better get it. Now." _The predator toying with his prey, chasing it a bit and pretending it is faster than him._

"While everyone is still throwing?" Al's eyes are wide and his voice sounds incredulous. His eyes flicker from Eric's presumably dark grey eyes to the firm set of his mouth and he begins to realize that it wasn't a joke but a command. Why he even thought so I have no idea.

"Why? Are you afraid?" Eric stands with his back to me and I can see the muscles tense in his shoulders. _The predator showing off his claws and deadly teeth and the prey slowly understands that there is no way out._

"Of being killed by an airborne knife? Of course I am. I am not stupid." Why he decided to step up for himself in this moment is something I don't understand. _The prey's last attempt to still get away, to save its life and the predator drives its teeth into the innocent prey._

"Everyone, stop!" Eric shouts, his voice deadly calm, eyes focused on Al. "You, go stand in front of the target. Amar will throw knives at you and when you flinch, you are out." Al stands there for a moment, his face pale with red blotches all over it. Then he sighs and just does as Eric says.

"Amar? Give me a hand." Amar looks calm, not at all bothered by the display and I find myself wondering how many times that had happened before. He balances a knife in his hand and the sobs I heard from the cot Al sleeps in resonate in my ears. I gulp, torn between letting Al being torture for his lacking ability to be brave or standing up for him because I know he is one of the persons Dauntless protects – the one that can't shout for themselves. Before Amar can throw the knife I make up my mind: Maybe I can't stand Al's cowardice but I am Dauntless and I need to stand up for him.

"Stop." My voice is louder then I intended and I meet first Amar's then Eric's eyes. Both seem to be surprised that someone spoke up.

"Letting someone stand in front of a target doesn't prove anything just that you bully us and if I remember correctly that is a sign of cowardice." I see Eric narrow his eyes on me, commanding me to back down, but I just square my shoulders and stay stubborn.

"If you think so, Stiff", he throws the slang for Abnegation right into my face and I know he is furious with me, "you can take up his position. Same rules." Without a look back or another word I move to the target not meeting Al's eyes because I don't want him to see that I think he is pathetic.

Without further notice Amar throws the first knife that lands just above my head. I can feel the vibration of the wood behind and above me. Eric taunts him, his arms crossed and I think in this moment he hates my guts. Why, I can only assume but in reality I don't have the slightest idea and I don't really care. It was the right thing to do. The next knife nearly hits my shoulder just nicking the black fabric of my long-sleeved shirt. The last knife lands next to my cheekbone and a stinging sensation spreads over my face. He hit me. I hiss silently not taking my eyes off of Eric even though I should have looked to Amar because his eyes are reassuring when I glance for a second into his direction.

"Well, I would like to see you all stand as courageous as she just did, but time is up. Go to lunch and afterwards head to the tracks. You are going on a trip." He never leaves me out of his eyes and I decide to listen now, to stay behind like they command. When everyone is gone I want to speak up but before I can even think about the right words or brushing away the few droplets of blood collecting in the small cut he is in front of me – again – and his hand is on my face.

"I start to think you have a death wish, Stiff. Or are just plain stupid." He hisses and I want to throw back his insult by pointing out that he is a self-centered, arrogant bully that feels only satisfied by taking pleasure in torturing weaker people but I stop myself because it would be a lie. Instead I look up into his eyes.

I have to strain my neck a bit to meet his gaze and in some weird way, I normally would have never accepted, it is quite appealing to some part of me that he is so much taller than me. We stare at each other for a few moments and I feel the anger vanish. I see no malice in his eyes, no mockery and not even the insult he all but throw into my face. They are still darker than usual but not as cold as I expected. He probes my cheek with his pointer finger and I stop him by putting my hands on his chest and pushing him away gently.

"I am ok, you know. It's just a scratch." I feel the need to reassure him even though I should be the one that's shaken from three knives thrown at me. I am about to turn around to follow the others to the cafeteria, but he grasps my wrist with one of his hands and holds me back. His hold isn't gentle or soft this time, but hurts slightly.

"We don't train you do be rebels but soldiers. Next time you will not speak up. You will not get in line..." I huff and interrupt him tired of his demanding tone or his dominant being that I still feel without looking at him or the confusion I feel whenever he treats me different than the others.

"I will do exactly the same thing. Al is bad as it is. He doesn't need to be bullied. I don't want to sound bold or arrogant but I know he won't make it and whether you put him through this or I take it doesn't matter. Let go of me." I don't look at him and as his hand still holds my wrist I pull with a bit more strength and I am free. I leave the room without looking back. I have enough of him for today.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	13. Chapter 12

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 12<strong>

We went to the fence two days ago. It was the day of my last direct encounter with Eric since then I tried my best to avoid him and it really worked well. Maybe he wants to avoid me as well because he didn't show up to training since then. I went shopping with Christina and though I could tell that she wanted me to buy more than the two snug pants, the tank tops I can now wear and the one dress I found even myself take a liking to she didn't press me. She just shrugged and continued on to explain to me what the black pencil – eyeliner its name was – was supposed to do. I let her apply it on me and I admit that it brings out my eyes making her smile in victory.

It's strange to have a friend like her. My companionship with Susan was completely different to the things I do with Chris or even the things we talk about. I never shared something personal with Susan because to speak about yourself is self-indulgent. Though I share just a very small amount of personal information with Chris she still knows more about me then any person I knew before transferring to Dauntless – the exception being my brother, of course. Sometimes I feel my own walls around me suffocating me but I am not ready to dismantle them. They were my protection for so long now and I am not sure if I will ever feel comfortable enough to let someone in and do the protection.

Growing up in Candor no one ever told Christina to shut up because it was their virtue to be honest to a fault and their pastime activity to debate over their truths. At first it was hard for me to get used to it. Some remarks stung, others where far out of my comfort zone and most of the things she tells me tell me about herself in one way or another. I am not sure if she does this on purpose or because she was raised that way. Either way it makes her very likable and I can see what Will sees in her – the fire, passion, temper, humor and all around the good heart.

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><p>As I walk down to the cafeteria with Chris and she talks about her painful cramps whenever she is on her period I don't mind that the topic touches parts I never thought about sharing. In Abnegation we were taught what to do about the side effects of becoming a woman and apart from the lessons in biology and a few chosen words from a woman in the council that was all education Abnegation girls got on that topic. So it was with hot cheeks and a bit embarrassment on my part and blunt words on Christina's that we enter the cafeteria to see that Will and Al saved us a seat.<p>

I listen to Chris going on about how her hair is never doing the things she wants when she is having her strawberry week as she calls them. We nearly reach the desk and I notice that there are other people with us as well. I take a short look around and falter in my steps for a moment. Eric is sitting with people I don't know – his friends I suppose. He doesn't look up and I try to not look at him or anywhere near him. Instead I try to take in the people he sits with.

They all look typical Dauntless – pierced, tattoos adorning different body parts, dressed in all black. At first glance they seem nice enough: open faces, sharing laughs and small anecdotes. It would be interesting to watch him interact with people he liberally meets in his time off a while longer but I don't want to be caught staring, so I just sit down and keep my curiosity in check.

"So, the jobs they offer aren't really bad, don't you think?" Will says eagerly. Leave it to a former Erudite to speak about employment, I think to myself and chuckle lowly.

"Only if you are ranked in the top five." I say with a smile on my face. It doesn't really concern me at the moment. Though the information we got where pretty interesting and the jobs quite fascinating I want to get through initiation first and foremost before thinking about it. As far as I can tell with the little facts we received at the beginning of initiation I am somewhere in the middle of the ranking and that is ok. Amar told me on one morning that stage two can change everything again and people that might have been struggling with the physical part can exceed expectations. I try to imagine what a test to qualify our emotional and mental strength would look like but I haven't the slightest idea.

"You are right, but the guards at the fence seemed nice enough, so I think I won't have a problem to take up that job if I rank lower." That was Al and I flinch a bit, risking a look at Eric. He is looking right back and I know he thinks about the things I said about Al and that he wouldn't make it. Try as I may I don't look back to my tray, the food having lost any appeal. I try to swallow the lump in my throat as I really study Eric's features for the first time. His eyes are the most striking thing at least for me. The microdermals just helping with that. He has a straight nose, pale lips and the light helps me to identify a slight five o'clock shadow. I try to imagine what it would feel like to have my cheek or hand rubbing against it, if it would prickle, be pleasant or annoying. His jaw is broad and strong and just fits in with the rest of him. A thought suddenly makes itself at home in my head: He is devilishly handsome. I lick my lips. I see him furrow his brow.

Eric suddenly breaks our staring contest because one of his friends elbows him, maybe to get his attention or opinion on something he said. I shake my head and scowl at myself for being so caught up in his looks. I swallow the lump in my throat and take up a slice of tomato to continue eating. I just realize myself that the conversation flow without me and I am a bit startle about how much of my attention was on Eric only – it frightens me and I blush. I take a huge gulp of my water and close my eyes for a moment.

"Tris? Everything alright?" Chris looks at me concerned and goes as far as to place a hand on my forehead just like my mother did when she thought I caught a cold or the flu. I push her hand away, standing up quickly and nearly stumbling. I take a deep breath and stop in my movement for a moment. I search for the calmness in my mind because I clearly make a fool out of myself right now.

"Yeah, Chris. Everything's just fine." Will and Al look up as well now, throwing me concerned glances and I mentally cringe. I try to placate all three of them with a half-smile.

"I will just take a quick stroll around the pit or go to the training room. So, see you later." I slightly smile at Chris again, reassuring I hope, and she nods frowning, casting a glance to the end of the table, probably spotting Eric. I need to get away. I thought after two days of not seeing him it would be easy to forget my physical attraction and just go on as if I never made that realisation about myself. I take a last glance back, he is looking at me but this time with a self-satisfied grin. I send him a scowl and regret it a second later. Now he knows I am not as calm as my usual self because of him.

I leave the cafeteria not running because I won't add to his ego and blow it up even more. I decide to go to the training room and spend my frustration and anger on getting better at my punches.

* * *

><p>My breathing is labored. My body needs a break but I push it a little further. I don't want to pass out in the middle of the training room though so I take a short pause afterwards. I go to the washroom and gulp down large portions of icy water throwing some of it on my face and neck as well. The water cools my skin and I close my eyes for a moment. I try to loosen my shoulders a bit, massaging them with my hands and sigh when I feel a bit of the tension go away. When I go back into the training room I take a short look at the old clock. Half past one and my mind still hasn't stopped to give me a break.<p>

Two days ago I wasn't really concerned about my appreciation of Eric's body shrugging it of as something normal. Anybody has something that appeals to his or her perception of beauty or attractiveness. I am no exception to this rule even though I never indulged in it before. But now it concerns me because all I could see back there was his face. I was so unaware though I always make it a point to keep an eye on everything around me. Old habits die hard and this one is quite practical. I openly stared at him, at his features and forgot everything else. I am not sure what makes him so special, makes him the first person I consider or has any effect on me in that way.

I guess maybe because I grew up in Abnegation I didn't go through the normal process of getting to know boys and maybe even get a first embarrassing kiss after which we couldn't look at each other without blushing a deep red. I missed out on it and it never bothered me before. But maybe it's the root for my curiosity. He is the first man that noticed me or is it the other way around and I noticed him? Maybe I noticed him because I left my Faction and suddenly had the freedom to indulge in things like this? Maybe he is just my type or whatever Christina has dubbed Will to be for her. Or I am just overanalysing the whole situation and my behavior. I crouch down to do some sit-ups and huff at the irony that Eric showed me how to do them correctly. Suddenly I hear the squeaking of the door.

"I thought I would find you here." I groan but stay in my position. His shadow falls on me and I concentrate on my breathing. It's not fair to disrespect him like that but at the moment he is the last person I want to see – at least until I figured out how to put a damper to this annoying attraction to his body.

"What can I do for you?" My voice is clipped and I know I just sound like a stubborn child but I can't help myself. I even go as far as to roll my eyes. Suddenly he pulls me up, his hand on my left upper arm is slightly painful and when I lift my eyes to his I see them becoming their angry dark grey.

"Whatever gave you the impression that you can treat me like this, get it out of your head." His voice is low, intimidating, but I still look at him with defiance in my eyes, too stubborn and still caught up in my musings. It seems to trigger something in him, his eyes getting darker even.

"Just because I looked after you, Stiff, gives you no right to treat me like I am some scum like you're so called friends. If you make it magically through initiation and I am ninety percent sure you will fail I will be one of your Leaders. Make sure you have that in mind when you decide to act like a stupid spoiled child again, initiate." His speech leaves me without air and I pale. He thinks I am weak and will fail initiation. He thinks I am weak. He loosens his hand on my arm and I realize on some level that he looks apologetic for possibly leaving bruises there. I move back a bit, my back hitting the cold grey cement wall. My arm is my last problem at the moment. My eyes burn and I have to stay calm. He will never see me cry. Not because of him or anyone.

"I am sorry." I whisper under my breath but he seems to hear my words because his shoulders aren't as tense anymore and his eyes widen for a moment becoming lighter by the second. I feel ashamed for acting like this and I want to make sure he believes me.

"You are right. I shouldn't have acted that way. It won't happen again, I promise, Eric." I look up at him then because I have to face the problems that are my fault at least two-third of the time.

"Get your jacket, I will wait for you." He says and it seems as soon as the storm came it is gone again. While my mind tries to wrap itself around the fact that he thinks I won't make it through initiation I nod mechanically, go to where I left my jacket and my long-sleeved shirt. For a split second I realise he can see a part of my tattoo. But I don't care, it isn't a secret and it doesn't matter if he is the first person to get a glimpse of it or not. He thinks I am weak. When I return he already went to the door, leaning against the wall next to it.

"Where are we going?" I ask, my voice calm and a bit strained because I haven't slept for the last twenty hours and _he thinks I am weak_.

"We celebrate a Dauntless tradition today." I follow him to the tracks without saying a word. It is all about perception I tell myself again. If he thinks I am weak I won't pass the first stage and he made it clear that he thinks that I will fail. It hits a nerve within me on more than one level. I feel a raw pain spread through me and I try to locate it. It seems to originate from three different parts of me. The first being that I can't stand it when anyone thinks I am weak, the second that Eric things I am weak and the third is a mixture of fear and losing my brother. I take deep breaths, calm myself down and build a new wall to protect my resolve. I will make it through initiation, I will be Dauntless. The rest of the way I get myself under control again keeping my distance from Eric. We are the first to arrive at the tracks. I look around a bit suspicious because there isn't a soul out here.

"What kind of tradition are you talking about?" I ask him. I am glad my voice isn't timid and that my new wall seems to be stable enough for the moment. I am a bit surprised that I needed a new one but that only proves I let Eric come too close – unconsciously to him fortunately.

"Capture the flag." He answers casually. His voice sounds more relaxed now and he seems to look forward to it. If this game can put him into a good mood then maybe it can do the same for me and distract me from the events of the past hour.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	14. Chapter 13

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 13<strong>

We have to wait a few minutes before Amar shows up and stay silent. It gives me a bit more time to find my middle again that I desperately need. Amar raises his eyebrow as he sees me standing next to Eric. I ask myself what he thinks why I am here before anyone else.

"I woke the initiates up. They should be here in five." Amar tells Eric who nods and glances at me.

"Take a gun, Stiff." I flinch a bit because of the insult and go to the box full of weapons. I grab ammunition too and stay further away from the two instructors. As Amar predicted the first large group of people approaches us and goes straight to the box of guns. I don't recognize anyone of them as an initiate from my group so I think that they could be the Dauntless-born initiates. Some of them don't even look at me, some nod in my direction. One boy looks at me and comes over.

"You are the first jumper, aren't you?" He asks and I am a bit taken aback by his bluntness. Leave it to the Dauntless-born to be even more straight to the point than my friend Chris.

"Yeah, it's Tris." I say extending out my hand and hoping I get the handshake just right.

"Uriah, nice to meet you." He has dark playful eyes, a handsome and open face and I take a direct liking to him.

"Same." I answer and he stays next to me.

"I am so excited for this. My brother told me all about his initiation and said that Capture the flag was defiantly a highlight!" His energy spreads to me and I find myself smiling in anticipation alongside him. I see Eric throwing a short glance in our direction, his brows scrunched together a bit as Uriah and I talk a bit more. Uriah seems to have a very likable character, he is outgoing and I find myself enjoying the small talk we keep up until the transfers approach us not even half as energetic as the Dauntless-born. I guess having lived here their whole lives they are far better prepared than we could ever be. Wouldn't I have ended up in the training room I would probably be as groggy as the rest of my class. But I overcame the point of tiredness and am awake enough, though feeling a bit funny.

"Everyone, grab a gun!" Eric shouts and that seems to wake everyone up, the light chatter and small laughter slowly vanishing into the night.

"The train should be here any minute now." Amar says and takes a look to his left. Just after he said it there is a distant sound. The unrecognizable sound turns into a rattling and the rattling is soon joined by a light that as the train approaches our position grows bigger.

"Get ready to jump." Eric shouts again and everyone takes a few steps forward. I use the strap of the gun to wrap it on my back to have my hands free. As it is time to get onto the train I realise that it is far easier than the last time I tried it and even slightly easier than when we visited the fence two days ago. My hard work seems to pay off.

I lean against the wall of the train and Christina joins me soon later.

"Where were you?" She asks and takes a look around. Her face shows forced indifference and I am a bit confused.

"Oh, you know, in the training room, to work on my punches." I reply casually.

"For four hours?" Her voice sounds incredulously, her mask slips and she lets her eyes linger uncomfortable on my frame. I just nod.

"How did you know that we needed to go to the tracks because we play some game in the middle of the night?" Chris sounds suspicious now even though there is nothing to be suspicious about. Where else should I have been?

"Eric found me and told me." I simply reply. But as simple as it is for me it doesn't seem to be for Christina because she purses her lips, her eyes now glinting with something I don't know where to put. She opens her mouth to say something but Amar speaks up then.

"We are here to play a game of Capture the Flag. It's a Dauntless tradition and your performance tonight will influence your ranking. You will be split into two teams, Eric and I being the captains. Your task is to work out a strategy and get the enemy's flag before they get yours. Any questions?" Amar looks around and Drew speaks up.

"What's there to win?" Eric snorts just as a few Dauntless-born do the same.

"Only a transfer could ask that question. The glory of victory of course. Now that that is cleared, Eric, will you begin?" So they pick us and my stomach turns a bit. I don't know what would be better. To be in Eric's team or staying away from him and hoping for Amar to see some potential in choosing me to join him.

"I take the Stiff." I shut my eyes, taking a short breath, smiling shortly at Chris who doesn't answer my friendly gesture. My face falls into a neutral mask and I make my way over to Eric. I won't begin to ask myself what I did wrong that she brushed me off like that. I will concentrate on the task at hand: winning this game.

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><p>We reach our destination, a group of lush trees that we decided would give us enough cover to plan our next steps as we exit the train after Amar's team headed off. In my group are no friendly faces – Edward, Peter, Drew and Molly. My friends are with Amar.<p>

"Lights out." Eric's voice is calm and we gather around our captain. "What's your plan?"

"Search for a good hiding spot for the flag and ambush them." Peter says without a second thought and I snort. He throws me a poisonous glance.

"What was that, Stiff?" He growls at me only a few inches from my face. I think about the things Christina told me on our second day and I can't suppress my animalistic barring of teeth. I push him back with a bit more force then planned. It seems to take him by surprise because he stumbles back a few more steps but unfortunately without falling over.

"Oh, just you being stupid again, I guess. But what's there to expect from a Candor smart-mouth." My voice is cold and I am slightly gleeful that I didn't even had to think about a comeback. Some other members of our group chuckle and I smile to myself.

"Ah, so the Stiff is a strategic mastermind now." He tries to get a rise out of me, his lips form a cruel smile. But I won't give him the satisfaction.

"Actually no, but I have an idea." I say, keeping my voice calm and as quiet as possible. If the other group is looking for us I don't want to give them an idea by raising my voice. Peter snorts this time, joined by Drew and Molly. I scoff mentally – not a single backbone in their body.

"Let's hear about it." Edward says, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. It seems he feels the tension as clearly as I can. I look at Eric, making sure he doesn't have anything to say to that but I shouldn't have bothered because he just stands there, arms holding his own gun, aloof and distant and cold.

"Someone should go to a higher ground, trying to spot them. The flag should be visible because the moon isn't full yet. When we find their location four of us stay here, and we build two more groups. One to distract them, the other to take the flag." I take a deep breath and wait for their judgement. When nobody says anything Eric steps forward.

"Sounds as good as any other plan. Who will look for it?"

"It has to be someone light. These trees don't look very solid." A girl speaks up, half of her head shaved. No one seems to be really up to it so the girl sighs.

"Ok, I will do it." She walks to one of the higher trees and I follow her. She seems to be quite confident and when she comes down again she nods.

"I have found it. They are to the west, hiding in some ruins. As far as I can tell they are split up as well, but I couldn't see very clearly so I have no idea how many where guarding their flag." We decide on four people that stay behind. Drew, Molly, Eric and two bulky Dauntless-born are assigned to be on the distraction party. That leaves Edward, the girl that scouted and me to get the flag. There isn't anything to say anymore and we head out to fulfill our different tasks.

We try to use as much cover as possible when we head in their direction. Bushes with yellow, brown and green leaves surround as and we soon arrive at the first ruins, ducking for cover there. The wind bites our faces, the first cold signs of autumns fast approaching. Our boots are covered in mutt, the ground wet and slippery from rain.

"I'm Lynn by the way." the girl says randomly as we hide behind a lonesome wall half way to our destination.

"I am Edward and this is Tris." Edward replies and we wait for a few more moments because we hear shouts in the distance. It seems our distraction has found some of the members of the other team. We have to make quick work before we lose too many people.

"I know her. The first jumper. Abnegation, right?" Lynn says, eyeing me in a way that is not quite comfortable for me. I scowl at her.

"Not anymore. I am Dauntless." She grins and we continue, using a few silent signs that where taught to us in training. As we are close to our goal I make a sign to let both of them wait. I take my hair back into a ponytail and hold it behind me as I crouch down on the ground and look around the corner. I show them that there are three people. I signal them that we wait two more minutes even though I feel the urge to act but we have to make sure that no one patrols the area.

Edward points to himself and Lynn and makes a gesture with his weapon. So they want to take down the guards while I get the flag. I nod and ready myself to jump out of our cover. At the last minute I decide against it. I signal them that they shall wait for a moment. I take a silent breath and make my way to a better position to approach the flag. This way I can stealthily get to it the flag and secure our victory in case Lynn and Edward are out before taking down the guards. I make eye contact with Lynn, she nods and I count down with my fingers.

3, 2, 1 and then there is chaos. I jump out from my hiding place and run, head down and in a ducked posture. I hear the guns go off and someone swears colorfully. I just grab the flag and a loud cheer explodes from my mouth. We win! The guards lower their weapons and hang their heads.

Edward and Lynn cheer alongside me as I am holding up the flag. The feeling of triumph is exhilarating and I think my face will split into half if I smile any wider. Edward throws me over his shoulder and carries me back to our group. I laugh and don't care that he is far too close for my comfort. Adrenalin is still pulsing through my veins and when he sets me down again I am in the middle of the rest of our group. My cheeks are warm and the flag of the other team goes from hand to hand. I feel alive and powerful and Dauntless-ly free in that moment in time when nothing counts except our victory.

Soon the other team arrives and Lynn boasts about our victory to Uriah. He just shoves her playfully and says something along the lines that his brother won't let him live it down. I find myself next to Eric when we make our way back. His expression is unreadable as ever although I have the feeling something bothers him.

"Very Erudite of you." He comments and I look at him, my confusion clearly displayed in my furrowed brows.

"Your plan." He explains and I just shrug. Well, it was one of my aptitudes and coming from him I decide it is meant as a compliment. He should know what it means because he was an Erudite once.

"Looks like the Stiff has a new fan now." The snarky remark comes from Peter and I suppress the urge to turn around and plant my fist into his face. The high I felt for winning fading slightly. Eric stays quiet.

Just before we reach the tracks of the train an arm slides around my shoulders and I look up to find Uriah next to me.

"So, tell me, Trissy, how did you come up with that brilliant plan of yours?" His voice is playful and I don't find any signs of a sour mood in his face for losing. I take a glance next to me and see Eric frown before he speeds up his steps and joins Amar.

"Trissy?" I ask him and shove him a bit away from me.

"You don't like it?"

"Nah, not really. Tris is already a short form, so let's just stick with that, ok?"

"Fine with me." He smiles down at me and my mouth moves into a grin as well. And even though I feel exhausted to the bone, the argument with Eric is still fresh on my mind and like I could fall over at any moment there is also a lightness inside of me that lifts a weight I didn't know was this heavy. I enjoy the feeling, bath in it really and I think I belong here. Not just in Dauntless but with these people that annoy me sometimes, make me angry or laugh or smile or even hurt me. Just as I think that my eyes land on Christina who stands with Will and Al and then they meet the light grey ones of Eric. Yes, I think, it is just a week but they already are a part of me.

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><p>The next day's pass by in a blur of training, eating and sleeping. The victory intense just a few hours ago dims down to a small flame and the everyday life is back with full force. Before the fire goes out completely I decide to visit Tori and make it permanent. I want to keep the feeling after the victory, the sense of belonging and of a real family with me everywhere.<p>

"Hey there, shorty." Tori greets me before I get a glimpse of her. I turn around and smile slightly. She is leaning over a Dauntless I don't know working on some dices.

"Hey Tori. I wanted to ask you if you have time but I see you are busy so I just..." I point to the door uncertainly.

"No, wait just a second. George?!" she yells and her brother appears from behind a screen. He looks at Tori, raising an eyebrow.

"Could you help Tris? I am busy as you can see and you could be useful for one time in your life." Her grin is cheeky and George flips her off. Tori chuckles alongside her costumer. I just scoff, the smile still on my face. It's still strange to see love expressed in that way, not that I know much with my limited experiences.

"Sure thing, sis. So, Tris, what I can help you with?" He leads me behind the screen and I sit down.

"I want the dauntless flame here." I pull of my jacket, just sitting there in my tank top, show him my right arm and point to the inner side of it, just below the elbow.

"That won't take long." George grabs his utensils and disinfects the area, the liquid cold on my hot skin and I shiver for a moment. I relax, massaging my right shoulder with my left hand, trying to get the tension out of it for just a moment. I hum slightly when I feel the muscle loose for a bit and as George starts to work I am only half aware of the pain the needle causes as the black ink is injected in my skin.

"So I heard you won your Capture the flag?" I never talked to George except that one time as he made fun of me for my bruised face. So I am a bit taken aback he would speak up and try on small talk.

"Yep." I pop the p, don't hide the pride in my voice and I am slightly curious how anyone else out of the initiates and instructors would know about it. "How come you know about it?"

"Please." He elongates the single word and grins at me cheekily, I chuckle softly. "It's a dauntless tradition and besides all the cool and boring stuff we can do here the results of the game are always something everyone looks forward to. To remember, I guess." His voice is gentle and has a soft vocal tone I like.

"Did you win when you were an initiate?"

"Hmpf. No I didn't but Tori did. She was in the other team. She never lets me live it down and every year she reminds me in her own way what an annoying winner she can be." I don't hear any sort of anger in his voice and when I look down the corners of his mouth are still up in an affectionate smile. As a second thought he adds: "Hm, and I think I wouldn't want it any other way anyway."

"You really care about each other, I guess." George looks up, pausing again and eyes me for a moment. Then he sighs.

"I don't know what I would do without her. She is the most precious thing in my life. But don't you dare tell her so." I snicker a moment and he scoffs, challenging me with a warning glare.

"I know what you mean." I tell him and his brown eyes widen in slight surprise but I don't meet them and just stare at the wall in front of me. We stay silent until he leans back, takes a good look at his work and grabs the crème from behind him. The skin is a bit sensitive to the touch but George is careful and when he stands up I take the tattoo in and stare in amazement back to George. He just shrugs with a grin on his handsome face. He modified the symbol a bit. In the flames there seems to be a small figure, a fragile bird whose wings merge with the flames around it. A very beautiful piece of work only visible if you take a very close look otherwise it would just appear to be the normal Dauntless symbol.

"Thank you. It is really beautiful." My smile is grateful and for a moment he lays his hand down on my shoulder. I can be mistaken but there seems to be a new understanding between us, a small connection between two people loving their siblings with everything they are. It doesn't make me uncomfortable.

"You are very welcome." He puts some bandages on the arm and waving to Tori and him I am about to exit the parlor just to brush against the shoulder of another person. I look back and apologize meeting the grey eyes of Eric. He just nods and we both turn around.

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><p>Eric keeps his distance and I am happy about that. We don't have to interact a lot but when we do there is always a lot of space between us. After everything that happened and the mean comments from Peter that continued even after that night of Capture the flag I was feeling slightly better. I didn't feel too pressed to think about Eric specifically my new wall working.<p>

Eric doesn't hear the comments Peter hisses at me or he chooses to ignore it. It irks me to some degree because he should make sure that Peter knows his place just as he did with me but he stays silent, raises an eyebrow and throws Peter a dismissing glance. I ignore the former Candor and his cruel remarks as best as I can but my neck and cheeks always start to burn and my fists shake a bit and I try to hide it as good as possible. I don't want to back down, don't want to give him the pleasure of seeing me riled up about the things he insinuates.

The only way I think he would stop it would be if I win against him in a fight – show him his place or something like that. Unfortunately so far I wasn't paired up with him and the first stage quickly comes to a close. I fought against Will and barely won, Al just gave up after I hit him with a few punches and I lost against Edward.

I haven't really spoken with Christina and I feel slightly troubled by it. I still don't know what I could have done to earn her distance and the right moment to ask her didn't come up till now. Will and Al try to mediate between us, though for the most part I try to stay away from them. When I am with someone of my former group I am with Al. His presence is relaxing because he is such a friendly person to be around and I feel ashamed that I think so little of him. But maybe I have to accept that about myself. I can appreciate his personality, be on friendly terms with him and I am able to see his good sides. And when it comes down to finding our place in the society, to finding our spot in Dauntless I just see the coward. I may be not fair but apart from all the other things that are on my mind I feel the least bit bothered by it.

More times than not I am joined at lunch and supper by Uriah and Lynn who introduce Marlene to me. I don't really mind and I just act like I did with Chris, Will and Al trying not to get too attached and still being a part of the initiates. Sometimes Uriah has to poke me a few times to join in their silly banters and sometimes Marlene stops him because she just seems to sense that I don't want to be included.

Marlene is a nice girl, really beautiful, with a few quirks that make her so much more likeable and I discover that Uriah and she are flirting with one another none stop. It's sometimes embarrassing to see and I get the feeling that Lynn feels put out. So I made it my duty to talk with her more often and side with her on quarrels concerning the budding relationship between Mar – Lynn's nickname for her not mine – and Uriah earning small grateful smiles from Lynn.

The three are long-time friends growing up together in Dauntless and they share a bond I didn't have with anyone in Abnegation. It's fascinating to watch how they pass each other things from their tray without the need to talk or even look at each other to communicate. I discover that Lynn is a pretty sarcastic person with strong views about what Dauntless should be like and when I tell her about my fights and training she cheers for me, says something like "you kick some serious ass, babe" or shoves me playfully when I lose and tells me not to give up. Although our timetables are really different from another and we don't train together we find some time to just talk for a bit even it is just in passing.

The rest of my time I spend in the training room and sometimes Al joins me, sitting on a mat instead of training himself and tells me about his past. His voice is gentle and soothing and I smile because his family seems quite adorable. I notice him glancing at me more times than not and it makes me uncomfortable. While I am not versed in the ways of love or affection I know what he sees in me – the small, quiet girl with the big grey-blue eyes that waits for a man to protect her – and that besides his open show of cowardice makes me angry as well and dislike him a bit more. Every time I find him staring I scoff – as if I am that girl. So I try to discourage Al's growing affection for me. Whenever he puts an arm around me or tries to stand closer than acceptable I just brush it off. I know it hurts him and one of these days I think we have to talk about it – as uncomfortable as it is for me. With that thought in mind I make my way from the training room to the dorm to shower and get a fresh set of clothes.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	15. Chapter 14

_(Updated: 27.02.2015) - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle. And a big thank you to the reviews recently posted. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 14<strong>

When I enter the dorm everyone seems to be gone except Al. I take a deep breath and think that today is as good a time as ever. I had hoped to be freshly showered, wearing comfortable clothes as a way to prepare myself for this really awkward conservation – though I guess I just try to find excuses and thinking about it, nothing really can prepare you for it.

"Al?" I cautiously approach him and realize with a mental scowl that he just wiped away some tears. What is there to cry about now?

"Hey Tris." He seems cheerful enough and slides a bit to the right of his cot to make room for me. I sit as far away from him without giving him the wrong impression. Before I can find a good start for this he speaks up again:

"It is my mother's birthday today." He opens his palm and in it I see a small photography. Al holds it up for me so I can take a closer look. It's of a gentle looking woman with blond hair just like his next to a man with his features. I try to find some part in me that can relate to him being sad that he isn't with his mother on her special day but I am unsuccessful. The concept of celebrating the day of birth of anyone is totally foreign to me.

"We never celebrated birthdays in Abnegation. It would be self-indulgent to do so. All there was a new set of clothes and then you just go back to your usual duties." I tell him without emotion. I don't know what he thinks but his eyes portray a sort of shock.

"That's awful. Celebrating a birthday is important. You have the whole family together and eat something nice and talk long after your normal bedtime. You can play with your cousins and have a lot of fun." I can't relate to having a family like that as well so I just shrug.

"I don't think I missed something important. It's just a day that signifies that you are a year older. The only thing I enjoyed about it was that I could make more things on my own – taking up responsibility, you know." Al seems to think about that for a moment and nods.

"I can see you approaching it like that what with your Abnegation background and the way you are." He pauses, his eyes lingering again on his photo. If I would be an egocentric person I would take his comment about my background as an insult, but I know that Al likes me so I just accept it as his perception of me.

"I just wish I could hug her and tell her I love her." I try to come up with anything to cheer him a bit up, my actual reason for our conversation long forgotten.

"Visiting day is at the end of the week and I am sure they will come to see you. So just get her something from one of the shops. You are Dauntless now" I flinch a bit at my own words "and this way you can give her something from the new Al." His face lights up and I know I said the right words. He pulls me into one of his hugs and I stiffen. Al is a friend and I trust him but I am still uncomfortable with anyone's touch that isn't my brother. Or maybe not anyone's because one person beside my brother seems to be the exception from this rule.

I pry his arms away, sending him a hopefully encouraging smile and leave him to his thoughts to get my own mind to settle down. I turn to the showers, taking a change of clothes with me. As I start to undo the bandage from my new tattoo I hear the door close. I sigh.

This whole conversation about family and happy memories was a bit too much. My life is the only reality I know and a long time ago I accepted that as a fact. No matter how much I wish I could still be with my mother and brother it's in the past. No matter how much I wish I could act like Uriah, Lynn and Marlene, be open and carefree I can't. And most of the time that is completely fine with me – I like myself the way I am. But listening to Al's short flashback makes me feel like I am a broken record. It has a beginning and an end but everything in between when the scenes change to something important or there is a plot twist my record is blank or an hour of just parasitic images even though there should be a story to be told about my life.

I push these depressing thoughts aside – I have this one life and I shouldn't compare it to others. I don't know what they went through and they don't know what happened to me so it would be a waste of energy to cry about something that can't be changed. And while I push all those thoughts away and my mind rests at last I can't help the dark clenching feeling around my heart.

**LINEBREAK**

I enter the room and I see a new list for the fights. I approach the chalkboard and Amar isn't too far away from it. I glance at it for a couple of seconds and then I sigh in relief. I am up against Peter. I look in his direction and he has trained his eyes on me. I raise a challenging eyebrow and turn around again. For a short moment I meet Amar's eyes and I nod. When I pass him to get to the track for a few rounds to warm up he says:

"Make good use of it." I falter in my steps before going on as if nothing happened and he didn't just give me his permission to take revenge for the times Peter insulted me or insinuated something dirty. I am not sure if Amar should do something like that. He is our instructor and shouldn't chose a side. But maybe he isn't as detached as I thought he was and maybe he has seen Peter for the person he is even before anyone else did. No matter the reason I plan on doing just what he said. I go through my warm up routine until Eric calls us together.

"First fight: Drew and Christina." I watch as both of them get ready, Peter making some remark and Drew snickering because of it, Will squeezing Chris' shoulder for a few seconds. She passes me and I grab her arm in a spur of the moment kind of thing.

"Drew lets his protection down when he punches and he isn't very fast when he tries to get up again." I whisper urgently, softly squeezing her arm to get my point across. Chris looks at me, weighing me, our fight I still don't know the reason for and the advice I just gave her. She nods, smiles a bit and continues into the ring. Eric observed the whole scene but when I try to see what he thinks about it I don't see anything, as ever. It's quite frustrating and I look back to the ring.

"Begin." Amar's calm voice starts the fight and Drew goes down on Chris, punching her in the shoulder and she stumbles a bit. She hisses to let go of the pain and ready's herself for the next punch. Till now she didn't try to kick or hit him herself, just watching his movements, the way he swings out his primary arm to punch and lets his left arm drop. When Drew tries to hit her again, Christina takes a step to the side and simultaneously hits him square in his left midsection. Before he can recover she kicks at his knee as well. Drew cries out in pain but stands up faster than I have expected him to.

Chris sidesteps his angry swing at her face and lets her fist crash against his face. Drew tries desperately to get the ringing to stop in his ears, I guess because he shakes his head again and again. I see a smile form on Christina's lips and I want to call out to her that she still has to be on her guard but it is already too late because Drew gets her in the stomach with a heavy blow and I hear Chris muttering a curse, her breath labored. Now she is concentrating again.

They circle each other, Drew hobbling from the kick he got against his knee. I feel a hand on my shoulder and look behind me. Will smiles and points to my hands. They are clenched so tight my knuckles turned white and I relax them feeling the slight pain leaving them. When I turn back Drew is again trying to punch Chris, but she is faster, hits him hard in the face and he lands on his back. This time Chris pins him down, elbowing him in the face and he goes unconscious. She wins and I am relieved. I know Chris is strong and a good fighter but I can't help to feel the pressure of the upcoming ranking and I hope with all that is in me that my friend will make it to the second stage.

Will helps her to a bench at the sideline that is just a few feet away from where I stand and Chris sits down, breath still labored but with a carefree smile. She sends Will a playful and grateful smile then her eyes turn to me. She watches me for a moment, takes in my crossed arms and possibly neutral face.

"Thank you, Tris." And just like that I think I am forgiving for whatever I did. I answer with a small smile of my own. She looks down on her red knuckles and back, opening her mouth to say something but she is interrupted by Eric's voice.

"Next: Peter and the Stiff." I swallow my sudden nervousness, closing my eyes for a moment before taking of my jacket, rolling my shoulders to let the tension fade away a bit. When I open them again, Chris and Will look at me with a concerned glint in their eyes. I scoff for a second but let the emotion disappear. They are my friends and just because they worry they don't belittle me. I reassure them with a determined nod even though I think they should have done that for me. After a look down to my tattooed arm, the Dauntless flame burning on my pale skin I feel bravery fill me. I will win this fight, I will show him that I earn everything I do. I will prove it to him and everyone.

Peter is already in the ring, jumping slightly from one food to the other, shaking his arms next to him. His eyes are dark with determination and maybe even hate. I don't think Peter is a nice person at all – not after what Chris told me anyway – but I still ask myself for a second with what I earned his hate. What did I do that he picked me right from the beginning to torture and hate. It has to be something personal because you don't spend energy on something or someone that you feel indifferent about or have no connection to – emotionally or mentally. And hate needs a lot of time and energy to be fed and contained. The whole concept is foreign to me. Sure, I hated Eric at some point, but it was just a fleeting emotion leaving me as soon as it was there. I shake my head, getting rid of my musings and looking to Eric just like Peter does.

"Begin." He says, his arms crossed over his chest, his face as indifferent as ever.

"What's up, Stiff?" Peter nearly yells the nickname some people dubbed me with, his eyes alight with fire, his mouth pulled into a grimace as if he tastes something foul.

"You look as if you will cry any second now. If you cry I may go easy on you." I scoff. He should know that his taunts won't help him and that I don't react to it. It seems he realises it as well and instead of continuing I see his shoulder tense and he goes after me.

I evade Peter's first attempt at a hit, ducking under his arm, but he is fast on his feet and to react and nearly hits me with his knee in the stomach. I can deflect it with my left hand, my right hand still shielding my face as good as possible. The strength behind his kick lets me stumble but I use it to get behind his back and bring my elbow down in between his shoulder blades. He trips a bit but doesn't fall. I hear him hiss softly. Bony elbows for the win, I think for a moment.

We circle each other and I know him his livid because I got the first contact. He narrows his eyes and I look to his feet. I had enough time throughout the last week to study any opponent I may have to fight and I know Peter does a lunge with his right foot before he goes for the face with a punch. I evade it and go for his throat but before I can reach it his left knee connects painfully with my midsection letting me breathless and in immense pain. His left fist gets me in the jaw, I feel my lip split from the impact and I fall to the side but don't stay there rolling over my shoulder and onto my feet again. He smirks self-satisfied as I brush off the blood on my chin. I try desperately to get some air into my lungs. My cheek and jaw are throbbing with pain. His punch resembles a bull's charge, I think for a moment and then an idea enters my mind: Maybe if I seem to be nearly defeated he will make a mistake.

So I slump forward a bit, take deep wheezing breaths and do everything to seem desperate – not that I have act that part too much. He lunges again and I see my chance. I deflect his left incoming fist, going behind him again and kicking him into the backside of his knee. He goes down and I jump on the occasion and plant myself on him, trying to press down his hips with my own, his arms pinned under my knees. I bring my fist up to punch him square in the face and do it. I want to repeat my move but I underestimate his strength or overestimated my own because he turns us around. I try to knee him into his side, fight to get him off of me. I feel him pressed against me and a cold panic invades my mind because it just is so uncomfortable and too close and because in this moment I realise I am about to lose this fight.

As he takes my head with his large, calloused hands, my knees still hitting him and my hands shoving at his shoulders, scratching him with my nails. I look up to him, his face doesn't spot a smile or anything resembling triumph, instead I see a small amount of respect in his eyes before he brings my head down and everything goes black.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please. <em>

_On a personal note: Take a look at my "The Office" series: The Office, The Car, The Shower. SMUT. Have fun._


	16. Chapter 15

_Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle. She is the best. For all you people out there that wait for an update/new oneshot in "The Office" series - be brave! Just a few more hours and the next one will be published. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 15<strong>

I wake up in the infirmary and a heavy feeling of defeat settles in my stomach. I lost the fight that held more meaning than a stupid ranking. I sigh, trying to push myself into a sitting position. My head throbs with a sharp pain and I bring my right hand up to find a bump on the back of my head. When my hand connects with it the pain spreads like spider webs throughout my whole scalp and I hiss. My limbs feel a bit heavy, my stomach sore. I push up my tank top and see a dark, angry bruise the blues and violets a stark contrast to my pale skin. It's quite fascinating to look at. I probe it with my finger just to be startled out of my examination by a voice:

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Eric stands at the foot of my bed, arms crossed, a thoughtful expression on his face I have never seen before. How long was he there without me noticing? I pull down my shirt quickly and even though there was nothing inappropriate he could have seen I blush in embarrassment. I clear my throat and push my hair back that has fallen into my face.

"How bad is it?" I ask him pointing to my head, my voice timid and I scowl at my behavior. I berate myself because there isn't anything I should feel timid of. I fought hard, I didn't let Peter just run over me and I can find pride in it.

"Nothing too serious. No concussion as far as they can tell. Nothing a pain reliever and some rest can't fix." He walks slowly to my side and sinks into the stool next to my bed with a grace I hadn't expected him to possess. I really need to stop judging people on their looks or at all really.

"You will be sore for a few days and you should take it easy." I snort because nothing is further from what I plan to do. I will sleep off the headache and go back to the training room in the morning. If anything the fight showed me that I need to work on my strength more. If I would have been strong enough Peter would be the one in this bed not me.

Eric seems to pick up my determination because he is suddenly standing, bowing over me, his arms capturing me between the bed and him. I in a knee-jerk reaction fall back onto my pillow. I am painfully aware of our closeness and I try to regulate my breathing, try to look anywhere but him, his lips, his eyes and forget about my physical attraction towards him. He grasps my chin and I hiss. He loosens his grip a bit taking in the bruise at my jaw. While his hand holds my chin softer now he still forces my face up so I have to look at him. I do so reluctantly. He watches my face for a moment, maybe even sees my chest heaving because my damn breathing won't calm down. I wonder for a moment what he sees in my eyes. They are a bit wider than normal and I can't control the things I want to show or not show at the moment. I hope they don't project the weakness I feel at the moment. Weakness for losing against Peter, weakness for my inability to control my emotions for him not to talk about my reaction. I am brought back from my musings when I see that Eric wants to say something. Before he can we are interrupted by steps presumably approaching my bed behind the curtain that separates it from the rest of the ward. Eric backs away, standing again at the foot of my bed, his expression serious, and his eyes a bit darker.

"I mean what I said. If you don't take it easy I'll make you." I don't doubt it and his imposing and dominant body underlines his more or less threat. I nod once, just to show him that I understand. His eyes linger a little longer taking in my face and my small body in the bed. It seems he needs to assure himself again that I will be fine. Then he turns around without another word. Just as he leaves Chris appears from behind the curtain.

"What was that about?" She looks back, probably watching Eric's retreating back. She turns back and I just shrug because I am not so sure myself.

"Just Eric being himself, I guess." Christina snorts and takes the seat Eric just vacated. She grabs one of my hands with hers and for a moment I feel the strong urge to separate our limbs because I just don't like to be touched. I scowl mentally and tell myself that that isn't a hundred percent true – two persons can touch me without me feeling like running away. I take a calming breath, the feeling soon vanishes and I just let her hold onto my hand.

"How are you feeling?" Her voice is a mixture of concern and affection. I smile slightly and realise again what a good person Christina is. She may have her faults, being too honest sometimes and her tactfulness could use some polishing but no one is without faults – we are all humans with flaws and I am no one to talk about flaws. Sometimes I think I am just flaws. I bring myself back from these thoughts and reply to her question.

"As good as I can be. Disappointed and a bit angry for losing, desperate to get out of here." Chris laughs for a moment, shaking her head at my priorities I guess.

"You did so well, Tris. Believe me. As for getting out of here: I asked a doctor if I could take you with me to the dorm but he said you have to stay the night and if you don't show any signs of lingering effects you can leave in the morning." I sigh. I would gladly leave the ward because I don't like the sterile air and it reminds me that I lost but I will stick to my decision and take it easy – at least until I am out of here. Eric's threat still fresh in mind and the pain coursing through my head making this decision even easier.

Chris fills me in about the other fights and tells me with glee that Peter limbs a bit and had to get ice for the swelling on his knee and face. At least I gave him something to remember me, I think with a small smile and listen to Chris' story. Apparently Will had lost his fight against Edward but wasn't feeling disappointed telling himself and everyone that listened that Edward studied self-defence books back in Erudite since he was ten and for this it was no surprise that he was the best out of all of us.

We don't touch the subject of her distance from me and it makes me slightly uncomfortable because she is a Candor transfer and can't lie even though she is now in Dauntless. But I let the worry slide from my mind. An hour later a nurse appears and gives me a pill to help with the pain. I swallow it with a glass of water and shortly after I feel a heavy tiredness spreading through my whole body. I yawn, trying to stifle it for the fifth time. Chris just smiles understandingly and stands.

"Get some rest. I will see you in the morning." I nod, my eyes already half shut.

"Night, Chris." I mumble, turning to my side and pulling the sheets up around me. While more comfortable then the cot I slept in for the last week I doubt I could sleep so well without the medicine the nurse gave me.

"Night, Tris." I hear her answering, my head feeling light and before she is gone I am already half asleep.

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><p>I slept in and don't feel too bad about it, because though I am still sore and the bump sensitive I feel refreshed. I meet up after breakfast with Will, Al and Chris. We enter the training room, the three of them talking about the upcoming Visiting Day and I listening to them. Over the last days the mixture of different smells – steel, dust, and sweat – changed into something comforting. I feel myself relax. At least when it comes to fighting, shooting and throwing the knives I know what I am facing. I can lose myself in practicing it, in lifting weights and push my body to exhaustion.<p>

When it comes to Eric I am not sure what to expect – from him or from me. I tried to reason with myself, not too read too much into my attraction. I try to discover if there is possibly more than just the physical attraction and my curiosity of his person in general. I even thought about talking to Christina but dismissed it soon after. I don't feel comfortable about barring my most private thoughts to anyone. I have the strange feeling of possessiveness when it comes to my feelings for Eric. It's like I want to protect that small part of me even more fiercely then the others. That just adds up to this exhausting situation.

The short meeting with Eric yesterday in my hospital bed invades my mind and I am confused. About his behavior, about his threat and the way he acted. I can't practice understanding him and his motives like I do with shooting a gun. I am not even sure I still want to. He thinks I am weak and I had to build a new wall to stop myself from breaking because of this discovery.

Amar and Eric stand in front of the chalkboard. I see my name in the middle of the others and ask myself which name will be erased for good on the day after tomorrow. My stomach churns when I think about visiting day fast approaching now. Up to now I haven't really thought about it. I just hope I don't have to face him. Thinking back to the time my brother was an initiate father didn't bother to show up to his Visiting Day and I don't think he will show up to mine. The voice of my instructor stops any further musings.

"Initiates!" Amar begins, "Tomorrow you will accompany the initiates from Abnegation on their tour through the Factionless sector. You will be paired with Dauntless members and an initiate from Abnegation. Your task is to look out for them, to secure the parameter and make sure that no threat reaches them when the situation rises. This is a test and will influence your final ranking in stage one of your training heavily." I pale. Abnegation. I feel Eric's gaze on me that doesn't help in the slightest to keep me calm. Chris drops a supporting hand on my shoulder and I am grateful for the gesture and a bit surprised too. It has no effect on my mind that is troubled with worries but I know that she means well. I try to remember what the older Abnegation told us what initiation will be like and I try to remember if the council members will be present.

"You will meet us at 6 am sharp in this room. The list of your partners for this test will be posted this evening before supper. Make sure to get acquainted to them so you feel comfortable. Maybe even work on some strategies and think about which role each of you will play in protecting the Abnegation." With that he turns around and Eric steps forward.

"There won't be any fights today, we can't risk for anyone of you to hurt themselves and be out." His voice is uncaring and distant. "Get some exercise on the skills you still have trouble with." He leaves the room and I train my eyes on anything but his back. I see him glance over his shoulder for just a second then he is gone.

I help Christina with her punches and we agree on a small sparing match although she is a bit reluctant at first. But I get a good swing at her midsection and she realises I mean business with or without my injuries. Because she is taller than me I can practice some techniques to overthrow an opponent her size. Her blows though she held back are quite powerful and I have to concentrate on keeping my thoughts here with her. I just hope that everything will turn out to be ok, and I don't have to face anyone I don't feel comfortable with. I lose myself in our movements and forget about Eric and all the other things that still bother me.

* * *

><p>The rest of the day is a blur of punches and kicks against a punching bag and sparing with Christina. When we finish our last fight the other initiates are all surrounding the chalkboard. Peter is throwing me a calculating, cold glance. I falter in my steps, a dark foreboding feeling in my bones. I just need to glance on the white paper for a few seconds and there is my name: Tris. Next to it: Eric. Of course he would make sure to be paired up with me – after his threat to take it easy I should have expected to be put with him if he participates in the task. His last attempt of cornering me was a failure thanks to Christina and I don't feel overly excited to work close with Eric at all. Not with all the confusion in my mind.<p>

Christina glances at me, her eyes glinting with pity and disturbingly suspicion again. She is paired with a person named Four.

"Looks like Eric has his favorite again to work with. Maybe find some secluded corner tomorrow." Peter hisses into my ear. I didn't even notice that he came so close to me thanks to my overactive mind.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I say through gritted teeth, my neck hot and a sick feeling settles in my stomach. I knew he wouldn't leave me off the hook if I lose. Now I just have to bear it.

"Oh, you know. His favoritism for you. The way he cuddled you after your fight with Molly. I wouldn't be surprised if you fucked him to earn your rank at the end of stage one." I want to punch him in his arrogant face for even thinking about this nonsense. Trying as I may I cannot think of a comeback that doesn't sound pathetic or like a poor excuse. So I huff and look to Christina and what I see makes bile rise in my throat. Her face spots a frown and she is looking from me to Peter. I feel my face heat up, turn on my heels and walk away. I can't believe that she even contemplated the lies Peter tells to be true after everything she herself went through because of him.

* * *

><p>I don't want to see their suspicious glances so I just keep to myself for the rest of the evening and walk around the compound without a real goal. I briefly pause at the chasm, the loud rushing of the water beneath me drowning the voices in my head for a moment. I feel like crying and raging at the same time. I feel betrayed because Chris thought and even though it was just for a moment that Peter could be right – that I earned my rank because I gave Eric sex or anything sexual for that matter in exchange for a good rank.<p>

That she would think I would drop that low and after the things she saw me do... after yesterday when I helped her win in the only way possible. But then again I shouldn't be surprised or feeling hurt. It is my own fault that I feel betrayed. I let her in at least a bit. If I had stayed alone like I wanted to in the beginning, not getting attached to anyone I wouldn't have to deal with these things now. I snort, pitying myself won't get me through initiation and Amar said we have to speak about strategies with our partners. So I turn again and go to the cafeteria. I have someone to look for.

* * *

><p>I enter, the swinging door squeaking effectively drawing some attention and I scowl. Only a few tables are occupied by people eating a late dinner or snack. Eric is one of them and he is watching me, of course. He sits with two other men and a woman, all around his age I last saw him with when we were both sitting at the same table. They are looking at me, too but soon look back at each other. I try to brace myself, square my shoulders and take calming breaths. This is important. I am Dauntless and I can do it – I won't chicken out of a harmless strategy meeting that is important for me passing first stage of initiation even if he thinks I won't pass. I am not even completely sure why I am nervous and that bothers me to no end. I know what I can do and just because he doesn't believe in me I shouldn't let it paralyse me. Maybe it is a combination from that, Peter's accusation and Chris' reaction to it. I push back everything and want to walk through the room but I am held up by someone I didn't expect.<p>

"Looks like you are on a mission or something, Trissy." I growl at Uriah half-heartily because I know he just wants to get a raise out of me, a normal habit of his I normally don't find annoying. I playfully punch him in his shoulder. I smile when a soft 'ow' leaves his mouth and he is rubbing the spot where my fist connected with his flesh. I hear a muttered 'Meany' and ruffle his hair. I am a bit surprised by my display of affection towards the boy but I guess that's my nervousness acting up. My eyes travel back to the table my instructor sits at, his eyes still on me.

"Yeah, I have to speak with Eric about an assignment." I bite my lip a bit. Uriah seems to catch up on my discomfort though interprets it as something entirely different. He puts his arm around my shoulder and squeezes it for a moment.

"I know he is quite intimidating and I myself don't want to get him on the wrong foot but he is ok enough. He is a badass and an asshole but he takes problems serious when you speak to him in confidence." Ok enough indeed, I think and smile gratefully at Uriah. I want to ask if he himself had spoken to Eric about something private because it seemed he reflected on an actual experience but I stop myself – it isn't important and I have to stop my mind from finding excuses to delay my talk to Eric. Uriah answers my smile with one of his easy going ones, watches me a few seconds as if deep in thought and then says playfully, shoving me lightly:

"And he won't chew your head off no matter what you say because you are far too beautiful." I stomp Uriah's foot then, my cheeks a bit flushed because I wasn't expecting a compliment and feel uncomfortable about it. He moans next to me, holding his foot and pulls his puppy-eyes on me. I snort.

"Stop it, you idiot. I am not Marlene. It won't work. If you will excuse me now I have an important conversation to live through." I start to go again but turn around after a few seconds. "And thanks for boosting my confidence." His smile broadens and he waves.

* * *

><p>When I approach the table one of the guys looks up and shoves Eric. He looks up as well, his eyes unreadable.<p>

"You have to be Tris!" The woman says just as I reach the table. I nod and frown a bit. Why does she know my name? She winces slightly but I don't see what would have caused it.

"Yep." I reply, popping the p. "Um... Eric, do you have a moment? I need to speak to you." The woman grins in his direction and the two men poke each other whispering something I can't understand, my eyes fixed on the man that picked my interest right from the start. He lets his eyes travel over my body from my booted feet to the snug pants I wear and the tank top. My huge tattoo is quite visible but I don't care if anyone sees it now and besides he has seen it before. I am a bit self-conscious because of his eyes on me, taking in every flaw but I trample down the feeling.

"Sure." He simply replies and points to a table further away in a corner. I take a deep breath. We make our way to it, his left hand on the small of my back. I feel the heat seeping through my flimsy top into my skin and I am torn between shaking of the damn thing or enjoying the goose bumps it gives me. Eric sits down opposite to me, arms in front of him on the table, hands clasps together, his mazelike tattoos on display having me transfixed for a second or two. He doesn't say anything just fixes his eyes on me. I take another deep breath, just wanting it to be over already.

"I just want to speak about our task tomorrow." I begin. He nods and I go on, training my eyes over his left shoulder, forcing myself to speak clearly and casual and not as if his smell lets my hands get wet and his presence effects my body.

"My strategy would be that I shield the Abnegation initiate, playing the bodyguard. I am quite fast and not all too terrible shooting a gun so I can easily jump in front of the initiate or anything if danger raises. You are taller than me and should stay behind us monitoring the parameter and keeping an eye on the buildings around us." I wait for him to say something, chewing on my bottom lip and not daring to see if his usual smirk is on his face and if he is trying to come up with a good insult for my lack of strategic insight. Though he has complimented my plan for Capture the Flag I am not sure what he thinks about this plan. Maybe because he thinks I am weak... I stop myself there. My behavior is ridiculous – my plan is good. I brace myself, hands clasp in-between my thighs to stop them from trembling.

Instead of answering he learns forward, reaching across the table in a sudden gesture and uses his thumb to free my bottom lip from being chewed to numbness. I wasn't even aware I did it. His hand is back with his other just as quickly and I stare at him. My cheeks are flushed and in my befuddled mind I cannot decide whether to look angry or if I just stay with the wide eyes that my face spots at the moment.

"Don't do that." He just says as if that would explain his invasion of my personal bubble.

"As for the plan: Sounds fine with me. I don't think we will encounter any problems. The Factionless are laying low at the moment. Although it is safe I would advise you to be on your guard nevertheless." I continue to stare at him, to see something in his eyes that would give away why he touched me in this way but I see nothing as usual. How can he hide his emotions so well?! It's greatly frustrating. His eyes are just the normal light grey. I shake my head. This needs to stop because I cannot afford to let him affect me this way.

"Ok. Thank you for your time." I say and push myself up from the bench. I take a few steps and I hear him again:

"You think you will be alright?" His voice sounds bored with an underlining tone of worry?

"What do you mean?" I don't turn back and I am not sure if he speaks about the task tomorrow or my still recovering body.

"We visit Abnegation, your faction of origin. Your old home. Just make sure you don't show any attachment to them." Eric says casually and I can picture him in my mind how he shrugs nonchalantly. The worry had to be just my imagination.

"Abnegation was never me. I may come from there but nothing could be further from a home. You don't need to remind me." I leave it at that, leave the cafeteria still feeling his eyes on my back until the swinging doors close behind me. I just want to fall into my cot and don't wake for at least one month.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	17. Chapter 16

_Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle. She is the best. Honestly._

_And thanks to everyone who reviewed, guest or registered - your words mean a lot to me._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roths does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 16<strong>

I wake up before anyone else, taking my tight shirt the sleeves going down to my elbow, a combat vest with enough pockets to fit a few knives, a small first aid kit I bought last week and extra ammunition and my combat boots. I don't bother with changing my tight pants. They will be ideal for today. They don't get in my way and I can move in them freely the fabric soft and robust. When I am fully clothed I hear some of the other initiates waking up and I leave the dorm. I don't know if we are able to eat anything while on duty so I decide on a high in fiber breakfast.

My vest in hand I make my way to the assigned meeting place – the training room. Amar is already there when I enter and I walk to him. He greets me with a silent nod and hands me five throwing knives and ammunition.

"You get your guns later." I nod and take the things with me to place everything in the pockets of my vest. I make sure that the items are easily accessible. Against the urge to do something with my body to stop my mind from wandering – practice with the punching bag or anything like that – I stay put and wait for the others to arrive. I don't have to wait too long. The other transfers get the same items I just received and we wait for Eric to make an appearance. I don't join Will, Al and Chris, still a bit unsure what to make of Chris' reaction. And interestingly I am still a bit hurt as well.

When Eric enters I take in his outfit and his expression. He wears exactly the same like me just that he instead of a shirt with sleeves to the elbow sports a black T-shirt. The thought that we complement each other never crossed my mind before but now I have to admit to it. Where he is tall I am small. Where he is all muscle and broad I am slim but not unhealthily so. If we stood next to each other and I suppress the flush that tries to creep up from my neck to my face we would make a good couple. I shake my head and look at his face again. He looks agitated a bit, his grey eyes darkened a sure sign I found out over the last days that something made him angry or bothers him. He looks to Amar then takes us in. He stands in front of us, legs shoulder wide apart, arms crossed, eyes sharp.

"Ok, so, your partners are waiting at the track. We will head out there together and split up at our destination. We will be back late in the afternoon. Make sure you stay close to your assigned partners, take this task seriously, they will report back anything that happens today. Don't get yourself killed, I don't want to explain to anyone why initiates that had nearly two weeks to adapt to fail, get themselves injured or killed." His eyes are cold, his voice doesn't hide the fact that he thinks a few of us will fail. I don't know how much of his speech is true, at least I have my doubt about the last part because Uriah confirmed my hypothesis just yesterday and my own observations came up with a similar result: He cares if even just a little and not in the way anyone else would care.

"Are there any questions?" Amar looks at us, takes in every face for a second and then nods. The silence that follows weighs heavy on my shoulders and they are as tense as they were just a few days ago when I left Abnegation behind for good. My right hand goes up to my neck to release some of the tension there and I am slightly surprised that I really relaxed the last days even though there was so much going on.

"Good luck everyone." Amar tells us and begins to hand each one of us a rifle. I slip the strap over my back to have both my hands free. I decide to sling it over just one shoulder later on so I have easy access and it isn't in my way at the same time. After everyone has everything packed up we follow our instructors, none of us feeling the need to speak. We all take it seriously that first real task, a first assignment and I feel the tension in the air. Every one of us wants to prove him- or herself and now we have the chance to do so. Even Al's shoulders are squared, his expression serious, the softness not visible in his eyes anymore. I am proud of him.

* * *

><p>When we exit the compound the sun is just raising above the roofs and there is still a chill in the air. October is not too far away. Soon rain will fall constantly and the chill will stay throughout the day, the sun just a clear disk at the clouded sky, the warmth washed away. I look up at the sky as it starts to change its colors – light blue with stripes of violet, red, orange and finally yellow. There isn't a cloud as far as the eye can see and maybe it will be one of the last days of heavy sunshine. Good. The light will aid us in our quest to protect the Abnegation. From my experience I know that every small bit will be necessary to fulfill this task, every little help can be precious.<p>

In the distant we see the Dauntless members waiting for us. While I thought that we would be paired off with older people with a wide palette of experience to teach us from the people in front of us aren't much older than we are. The oldest I think is around his mid-twenties and of course there is Amar in his early thirty's. I take in their faces as we approach them. One looks like Uriah and I think he told me about a four years older brother nicknamed Zeke. The resemblance is uncanny and I think I would get along with him as my partner just fine if he is just a bit like his brother. He seems to be, spotting an easy smile on his face and pressing his mouth affectionately to the forehead of a girl next to him. His arm is around said beautiful girl who has her head on his shoulder and looks up at him smiling. Next to them stands a tall man with light brown hair. He says something to them that makes Zeke laugh. When he looks up I am rooted to the ground. I try to breath but my windpipes seem to be closed off. Someone shoves me and I can barely stay on my feet.

"Watch it, Stiff." But I don't look at or react to Peter because he doesn't matter in the slightest no matter what he does at the moment. I am staring at the person just there next to the tracks and next to Zeke, a gun casually over his right shoulder, his right hand on its strap, the left in the pocket of his pants, his whole posture relaxed. I take in his features that are so familiar and at the same time not, his broad shoulders and chest clad in a black T-Shirt and a dark green combat vest. I try to stifle the sob raising in my throat, try to blink away the tears that are about to spill over – my resolve to never cry in front of anyone crumbling under the weight of what I see. He looks shocked as well, his eyes a bit wider, his mouth open a bit. I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"Everything alright, Tris?" Edward looks down at me with a worried glance. I just shake my head unable to formulate a good reply – I don't know if I was ever better or worst. Edward squeezes my shoulder again, trying to get my attention but I just shrug it off and I think if I wasn't so focused on the one person that is my world I would give Edward an apologetic smile for his thoughtfulness that I so easily dismissed. But I can't think of anything else beside the person with the dark blue eyes. My knees are weak and I feel as if I will pass out any second.

"What's the matter, Stiff?" Eric's voice is like a whip, sharp and hard and wakes me up. I look at my feet for a moment, a hand going through my hair, my chest heaving with the heavy breaths I take to calm down. I have to get myself together. I have to be aware and on my guard but all I can think is how much I missed him. I feel a hand under my chin and look up. He is standing in front of me now, his eyes glistening just like mine probably are and a half-smile draws the corners of his mouth up.

"Tobias..." I whisper with numb lips, still not believing that he is here, just a foot away and I could embrace him. His smile broadens making my stomach prickle.

"Four, stop flirting and move your ass. The train is approaching." Eric growls and I throw him a short, confused glance. He looks as agitated as he looked back in the training room.

Four? Tobias looks over his shoulder and I understand that that is his chosen name. Strange that he took a number but thinking of it a short form of Tobias wouldn't fit him. I am brought back from my musings as Tobias takes my left hand, kissing my knuckles softly and pulling me towards the tracks.

Everyone is looking at us funnily – maybe because I am normally shy to be touched even just on the shoulder and he has his hand clasps securely around mine or maybe because my smile nearly splits my face into half or maybe because Tobias looks at me with eyes full of affection and love. I don't care because I feel whole again.

We jump up together, with him helping me up and he lets go of my hand. I smile at him like I haven't smiled in years. He touches my neck, his thumb caressing my chin for a moment and looks around. I nod, our silent way of communication still intact and I part with him, my cheeks happily flushed and I don't think anything can change my good mood now.

That is until I see the look Eric is throwing me. It's not as if I can read his face but there is something about his eyes that lets me shiver. They are cold and hard. I am lowering my head and let myself lean next to him careful not to brush his arm with mine. He doesn't look at me but fixes his gaze on the wall in front of us.

"Everything alright?" I ask him in a whisper, voice slightly concerned, my head still lowered and not looking at him.

"What gave you the impression that you can talk to me, Stiff." I am shocked for a moment and want to throw something back at him my temper flaring but the poisonous glare he sends me lets me close my mouth. We stay silent throughout the ride.

* * *

><p>One after another we jump off the train, landing a few feet apart. I stumble for a moment, Eric's hand on my arm stabilizing me. I want to thank him but he just withdraws his hand as soon as I have a sure foot on the grey concrete and doesn't look at me. I scowl but let it drop. I don't want to lose myself in thoughts about him again. I have to concentrate on the task at hand. And suddenly I am aware that we are just outside the Abnegation sector. A panic clenches at my heart and I close my eyes violently. My heart punches painfully against my ribcage, my breath is without any rhythm – slow, then fast again, deep and then pausing for a few seconds. I try to find calm memories in my mind, try to find something that can distract me enough from the panic I feel.<p>

I feel a strong hand on my back and look up. Tobias is standing next to me, worry evident in his eyes. His presence is all it takes for me to calm down again. He will always protect me. I nod in thanks, feeling my heartrate go down to a normal level again. He smiles slightly, squeezing my hand and then joining the others that already made their way over to a small group of grey people. Memories try to take over again, but I shake my head, gripping the gun and pulling it from my back to sling it over my left shoulder, teeth clenched together. I jog up and see Susan among the initiates. There are nine as well. Three boys, six girls. I only know six of them, the others probably being transfers from other Factions.

Eric speaks with a woman in her forties and I recognize her as an instructor of mine that gave me tasks while I still was a dependent in Abnegation. She is a good choice for the initiation process – though stern she has always the right words to help someone along, helping the initiates to learn about forgetting themselves. I stay back with Tobias, the other Dauntless building a sort of protecting wall before us unconsciously. Good thing I am so small, I think sarcastically. We both tense and probably hope that no one will say anything. He goes so far as to pull the mask that is a part of his T-Shirt up over his nose leaving only his eyes visible.*

"Initiates, we will split up now. Abnegation was so kind to invite us to a lunch they put together in one of the kitchens where you will meet a few council members as well. We will meet there at 1 pm sharp, understand?" His voice is controlled and leaves no room for any discussion. So we all just give our consent.

"Good, now there are nine initiates today, so each team has one Abnegation to look after. I warn you, if I hear the slightest complaint I will have your head." Eric's voice is sharp like a knife and no one doubts the seriousness of the threat. I take a quick look at the initiates from Abnegation standing there in their grey clothes. They look intimidated and I guess it is quite a shock for them how Eric treats and talks to us. I left Abnegation not two weeks ago and I am so used to his and Amar's behavior by now that I just now realise the difference in the way to lecture someone. The teachers from Abnegation always speak quietly and calmly as if they are afraid of their own voice, they don't curse, they don't belittle someone – or only in a way to help the person along to find the selflessness.

The other major difference I find when I look to Susan. She still looks like the 16 year old girl from my memory that is still fresh because it was just 13 days ago. She still sports the plain face every Abnegation seems to possess – or maybe the way they dress and twist their hair into the practical bun make them appear to be plain. She still has the soft features of a child barely adult, her hands folded demurely in front of her. In comparison, when I look at the Christina now and back then when we met on the train it is as if 10 months are over already. Her body shows muscles now, there are a few stress lines in her face as well and her knuckles are scraped over and bruised. If Susan would think I grew up without her in the last week when she spots me? Recognize me with tattoos peeking out of my collar? The Abnegation instructor speaks up and I pay attention to her leaving my thoughts behind. It doesn't matter what Susan thinks. Or anyone really. I am on my way to be my own person.

"Now, children. Don't be afraid, I am sure every one of the Dauntless members will make sure you stay save. Please remember to take the packages with you and try to understand why we need to help these people when you move through the sector." Though the voice of the Abnegation instructor is soft and honest the Abnegation initiates don't look convinced but they nod anyway. Their instructor gives them a reassuring smile before she goes back to the Abnegation sector.

Eric begins to pair off two Dauntless – one initiate and member each – with an initiate from Abnegation. When Tobias is called along with Chris he smiles at me reassuringly through his black mask and pat's my shoulder for a second. I answer him with a smile of my own hoping I could make the message clear: _be safe, I love you, don't worry about me_. He nods then goes to the front. They are paired with a boy named Patrick – a transfer – and after they introduced each other they make their way over to the Factionless sector, Patrick carrying a huge package on his back probably filled with food and clothes for the Factionless. I stay behind until the last trio is out of sight and Eric looks at me. I step forward, gun secured on my arm, face trained into a serious mask. My mind blank except for my task at hand. My Abnegation – I snort at the irony – is a timid girl with bright red hair put into a bun and a few freckles on her cheeks.

"I'm Tris." I say and extend my hand in introduction just to pull it back a few seconds later. Abnegation don't shake hands, I remind myself and respectfully nod in greeting.

"I am Amy." Amy isn't an Abnegation name, so she has to be a transfer. Amity maybe.

"Before we go just some ground rules, ok?" I ask her, making sure with a quick glance that Eric agrees. He doesn't nod but he doesn't step up as well, so I take it as a yes.

"When I or Eric there say hide, you hide and stay as silent as you can. You are not to leave my side under any circumstances other then one of us says so. You don't enter buildings on your own or stroll too far away from us when you interact with the Factionless. I know that you want to help them but some of them aren't really thankful, so be cautious. Eric is watching our back and if something happens to me make sure to stay close to him." The girl's eyes are big with worry and I try to make her smile, my voice not as serious as before:

"He seems intimidating, I give you that, but I swear on my honour as a Dauntless he will protect you with his life." She looks at him for a moment and smiles shyly. He doesn't reciprocate but nods in confirmation. With the consequences of calling him intimidating and a softy in one sentence I will deal later.

"Anything else?" I look to Eric again and he just shakes his head in the negative. I nod, touch Amy's shoulder for a moment and then we start our tour around the Factionless sector.

* * *

><p>For the first four hours we don't encounter any dangers or difficulties. Amy distributes food in cans, rough sheets and clothes in the different colors of the Factions. I am on high alert all the time, observing her interaction with the Factionless. They seem peaceful enough. I stay behind her, watching from a small distance. It's far enough away so the Factionless won't be intimidated or feel threatened and I am still close enough to intercept if anyone tries to hurt or endanger Amy. Sometimes I have to step up a bit, letting them know that I am there. It's quite satisfying to see them react to me. After being overlooked for most of my life it is refreshing to be noticed.<p>

I am also highly aware that Eric is just a few steps behind me. He is looking into the windows above us, making sure there is no danger from a stone being thrown or anything like that. Being a mistrusting person in general I find it quite curious that I trust him to have my and Amy's back even though I don't know him and just met him one and a half weeks ago. It's also quite disturbing remembering that at some point I hated his guts and felt repulsed by his behavior. Thinking about it I shouldn't be surprised though. I let him touch me more than one time and didn't feel the need to get away from him. And I admitted my physical attraction for him. I don't think you can be attracted to anyone in anyway if you don't trust that person at least a bit. Remembering his words, that he thinks I am weak, and my reaction to it I should have known earlier that I feel something for him, that I trust him. I huff and trample down these thoughts. I have to focus, dammit.

When the first half of our round is nearly finished we decide to take a short break so Amy can put down her heavy luggage for a moment. We find a sunny patch of dry stairs where she can sit and rest her feet. Her cheeks are happily flushed and her eyes glint – it seems it was the right decision to transfer to Abnegation. Even though we didn't encounter any problems until now, I don't let my guard down. I lean against the railing of the stairs and let my eyes wander from left to right, never stopping to observe everything as best as I can.

"Don't you want to take a break too? You look tired, here let me..." I interrupt her with a sharp glance and she stays quiet.

"No, thank you. I am fine." She nods but doesn't look convinced. Typical Abnegation to be stubborn about the well-being of ours. I know I wouldn't be able to be like that.

"What about you, Eric?" Her voice wavers a bit, but she stands up, her legs safely planted on the stairs and giving him a bottle – I admire her bravery for a moment to approach him even though she is intimidated by his whole being. He sniffs at it.

"It's just water." Amy smiles shyly at him and he nods. He puts his head back, taking deep gulps of the fresh liquid and I am distracted for a moment, staring at his tattoos on his neck that are in plain sight now and capture my full attention. My mouth is dry and I try to wet my lips.

Suddenly there is a shadow behind him and I jump over the railing, not even calling out for him just shoving him to the side. There is a loud _clung_ from the bottle hitting the concrete and I feel a stinging sensation on my left upper arm. I ignore it though and my body seems to react on autopilot. I knee him in the stomach, making his torso jerk forward, taking his arm with the knife and pulling it behind him. Giving him a kick to the backside of his knee he drops down to the ground. I hear a satisfying yelp laced with pain.

"Let the knife go." I all but growl, my eyes ablaze, my mouth set into a grim line. He doesn't obey so I press his arm a bit higher up, making him hiss in pain again.

"I said: Let go of the fucking knife." And then his hand relaxes and the knife falls to the ground. I push it as far away from him as possible with my short legs and without loosening my grip. The adrenalin is pulsing through my veins, my heart pounding hard, the blood rushing through my body. I look to Amy who is pale with fear and say through clenched teeth:

"Go to Eric, Amy. Stay as close to him as possible." Eric looks at me with an unreadable expression and there is the glint again in his eyes. Why is he so fucking calm? Amy stands at his right side a few seconds later, eyes widening as she sees the attacker. My breath is labored but I can control the rhythm of my heart and calm myself down enough. I fumble in the back of my vest, pulling zip tie from my pocket. I put it between my teeth, grab the still free arm from Eric's attacker and forcefully pull it back as well. I don't care if the bastard feels pain. My knee at his back to hold him down I tie the plastic around his wrists. I close the zip tie when Amy speaks up, her voice timid and laced with shocked surprise.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>

_*Anyone got the reference? I hope so. Tell me in the comments._


	18. Chapter 17

_Thanks to my awesome beta Torry-Riddle. Without her I would have probably given up writing this story..._

_And a big thank you to all the people writing me (comments and messages) and let me know that they enjoy my writing. Thanks for the follows/favorits for this story, my other stories and for me as an author. I can't describe how much it means to me._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 17<strong>

"But that's someone from Dauntless, isn't it?" I scoff at her for her naive remark. Just because he is wearing black clothes doesn't mean he is from Dauntless – they could have been a distribution. But when I look at the quality of the fabric, all intact, not frayed anywhere I am a bit confused. Why would someone throw that away?

"You can let go of me now, Tris." The voice sounds familiar and I look down to the speaker on his knees in front of me, hands tied together by a zip tie and I discover a tattoo that I know someone else has as well.

"George?!" I hear him chuckle but it dies down nearly immediately and turns into a hiss. I hope he will suffer a bit more from my knee into his stomach and though that thought satisfies me a bit I scowl at the back of his head.

"Tori was right, you mean business and I get too old for something like that."

"You know him?" I ignore Eric's question, my temper flaring.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?! I could have seriously hurt you." I don't care that he is a person I consider a good friend. I don't care that my next move can easily get me cut from initiation for lacking respect for my superiors: I slap him across the head. Hard. I look over to Eric who seems to be amused and I scowl at him, too. How dare they laugh about that? I look at George's back for a moment, trying to compose myself, to not let them see how angry I feel.

"You can let him go, Stiff. It was all a setup." I purse my lips, my gaze showing him exactly how funny I find this whole situation. In one swift movement I pull a knife from my pocket and free his hands, taking a few steps back starting to observe the buildings around us again. This may have been a setup but other people could use the moment to ambush us. The bonus is quite good as well: I don't have to look at Eric or George.

I let the knife disappear back into its original place and cross my arms. I look down, confused for a moment why my left arm should be wet and discover the blood there. Oh, I think for a moment, right. George got me with his knife in the upper arm as I pushed Eric away. I don't look to them when I try to assess the damage.

"What is it?" Eric asks, observing me. I won't act weak, I tell myself, and I won't act like a child.

"He got me in the arm. I don't think it is anything serious, though."

I pull up my sleeve as far as possible and try to look at the wound but a shadow falls over me before I can get a good view distracting me. Eric grabs my arm with one of his hands and he is so gentle I nearly forgot that he laughed at me. To be honest he just looked amused, his eyes glinting but being the person that he is and as far as I know that could have been a full out laughing on his part. And it hurts to think he would laugh at me.

Against the things I just told myself I contemplate to pull away at first. But the memory how he told me that I shouldn't forget our respective positions – he is a Leader and I am just an initiate – when I act like a spoiled child again keeps me in check. So I won't act like a child. I frown for a moment and focus. There is Amy somewhere behind him who really needs my full concentration because she could be in danger right at this moment while I am musing my disastrous feelings for one of my instructors.

"I think you need some stitches. I say you go back to the compound." He says, his voice calm and brings me back to the present. His breath fawns over my heated skin and the hand that isn't holding my arm carefully assessing the damage done.

"Nonsense. It's just a scratch and it doesn't even hurt. Can I take a look at it please?" He reluctantly lets go of my arm and backs a reasonable amount of steps away. I first look to Amy who is next to George and I relax slightly. Then I turn my head to my arm, finding the cut just a bit to the front of it. Blood is still pouring out of it in small amounts but it doesn't look too deep. It will heal faster if I let someone stitch it up for me though. Curiously I don't feel the pain, maybe because I am filled to the brim with adrenalin. But I don't want to go back to Dauntless headquarters, I have to finish this mission even though it just is a test and Eric could probably continue on his own.

"I will let the doctor at the compound take a look at it later when Amy is back in Abnegation. For now a bandage will do." Eric seems to be ready to protest and I know he could command me to do as he says, but I just pull out my first aid kit and open the small case choosing a medium sized bandage and a compress. When I try to handle the compress in one hand and the bandage in the other, Eric steps up again and takes the white gauze from my other hand. While he concentrates on bandaging my arm I can look at him even though I shouldn't because just a minute ago I realised what a dangerous distraction he is.

His features are concentrated, his eyebrows drawn together lightly. His mouth is relaxed and this time I can't see a five o'clock shadow on his face. I smell his aftershave and a scent I associate with Eric. I have to suppress the hum that wants to leave my mouth and instead I chew on my button lip. I look over his shoulder to the buildings around us. I feel a light tug on my arm, then the sleeve is lowered again. His thumb brushes my bottom lip again and I hear him sigh.

"I told you to stop that." His voice is deep and calm. He appears to be tired – from what I don't know. Then he turns around and I am glad about it because my cheeks are flushed. I shake my head slightly, my right hand going to my neck to massage it shortly then I jog up to George, Amy and Eric.

"Very well done, shorty. I thought you would kill me for a moment." I cringe because of the endearing nickname Tori gave me and just nod. I try to suppress the scowl that wants to place itself on my face. They don't need to know how scarred I was that something could happen to Eric. I am surprised by that notion myself. But it isn't as painful as the thought that that they laughed at me for the way I reacted. Eric looks at his wristwatch and nods before speaking:

"Lunch will be in half an hour. We should be on our way to the assigned kitchen." My fear comes back but I try to trample on it, ignoring the churning of my stomach and the foul taste it leaves in my mouth.

We continue on our way, George walking with Eric and Amy and I in front of them. The longer we walk closing in on the meeting place the more my stomach hurts and my shoulders cramp up. I don't know what I can do to avoid the shared meal. I come up with ideas only to quash them again. I falter in my steps slightly and Amy throws me a worried glance. She touches my shoulder lightly and asks:

"Everything alright, Tris?" I nod curtly, throwing her a short glance that I hope doesn't show the terror I feel on the inside. The kitchen appears before us. It's a simple one story building that was a storage room some years ago probably. The walls are white, windows glistening in the sun. The picture of peace while inside of me a war is fought. I don't want to be a coward but I don't think I am ready just yet to meet up with any of the older Abnegation. My steps are even slower now. I can't go to it, I have to stay away. Before panic can take over again I make Amy stop and turn around to Eric. I train my face into a neutral expression.

"Can I please stay here while you are in there?" I know the chances are very slim that he will accept this behavior and in that moment I feel even more frustrated at myself for being a coward. I realise I had no right to belittle Al for being one when I can't face my own demons and freak out like that. I don't know what I will do if Eric replies in the negative. I have no backup plan ready because my mind his heavy with worry and fear and there is just no time to come up with one. He watches me for a moment, concentrates on my face and especially on my eyes. I am nervous that he sees how afraid I am and not the nonchalance I try to express. It would aid my case but I won't appear weak again. I would face the damn Abnegation Leaders again before showing Eric how broken I am. Eric shrugs and I take a breath.

"If you aren't hungry stay here, monitor the parameter but don't enter any buildings on your own." He sounds bored and I can't believe my luck. And I am also slightly surprised that he trusts my skills enough to let me stay alone here. At least I think he does otherwise he wouldn't allow it, would he? Maybe my display of control half an hour ago changed his view? At the moment it doesn't matter.

I tell them that I am not too hungry so that won't be a problem anyway. I nod, smiling a bit to show my gratitude and wait until Eric is at Amy's other site to take over the duty of watching her. George waves before he joins them.

I look for a good spot to wait for them deciding against staying out here in the open. When I find a good corner where no one can attack me from behind I lean against one wall, crossing my arms and let the sun warm my body. My shoulders slightly relax.

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><p>We jump off the train and this time I don't stumble and am able to run off the momentum from the train. I am exhausted to the bone and when I look at the faces of the other initiates they are as well. Their partners seem to be totally fine. Maybe because they are used to duties and shifts and we aren't in the slightest.<p>

Some of us are still talking to the Dauntless members they were paired with. I look over to Tobias who has a hand on Chris' shoulder and smiles gently down at her. Maybe she did well today. Afterwards he joins me, putting an arm around me and accidently brushing my upper arm. I hiss softly. Now that the adrenalin is gone and I am tired the pain makes a reappearance. Tobias looks at me with concern in his dark-blue eyes with the light spot in his left eye.

"What is it?" His no-nonsense tone makes me smile because he would always use it on me when I didn't want to spill what bothered me.

"It's nothing. George – the guy who played the attacker – caught me in the arm. I will go to the infirmary when we are dismissed." He looks at me for a second longer but nods. I sigh relieved.

"Initiates, gather around." the chatter stops and everyone looks to Eric. "You will meet tomorrow morning in the Pit at 9 am sharp to see if anyone of your relative's shows up for Visiting Day. Your partners will join me for the debriefing now. I hope I won't hear any complaints or as I said I will have your head on a silver platter. You should use the time to gather your strength and get wounds looked after in the infirmary." His eyes linger on me for a moment and I meet his gaze levelly, nodding once.

"Dismissed." I don't need to hear it twice. I burry my face for a few seconds in Tobias' vest and he hugs me tightly to his body.

"I see you not later than the day after tomorrow, ok?" As he rubs my back I hum to myself and nod against his collarbone.

"Alright." I mumble, feeling exhausted and comfortable against him, my hands secured in the fabric of his vest, his scent lulling me into a sense of safety. Tobias shoves me slightly with his shoulder and I look up, my eyes small.

"Hey, go to the Doctor, take a hot shower and sleep. I have to go now or Eric kills me." I chuckle softly not quite ready to let him go. He puts both hands to my face and lifts it up. He presses his lips softly against my forehead and I smile. It feels so good to have him with me again. He gently shoves me again, away from him, smiling and waving. I smile as well and turn around.

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><p>I now have eight stitches on my left arm and it is freshly bandaged. I first went to take a shower and afterwards to the hospital ward. My priorities earned me a long-winded description with many gruesome details – maggots, truncation – of all the things that could happen from the doctor. A lot of unnecessary exaggeration for a small cut on the arm but I guess dealing with Dauntless members all the time demands it. We all seem to not care about looking after ourselves. I felt a lot better in fresh clothes and clean though and don't think I will act differently the next time. So I just let him speak, nodded at the right places, promised to never do it again and was released a short while later. He gave me some medical herb crème as well that would help the healing process and lessen the size of the scar. He also said he can take the stitches out by the end of next week. I don't really care if the scar is big or small but I will just do as he said so I can start training with the left arm again soon.<p>

I lay down in my cot, my mind numb and before I even realise it I am fast asleep.

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><p>A loud banging sound awakes me and I am a bit disorientated for a second. I pull myself into a sitting position, putting my sock-clad feet on the cold floor. The sensation wakes me up a bit more. Lights turn on above my head and I rub my eyes to chase away the last remains of a dreamless sleep. I blink a few times and discover Eric is leaning against the railing of the stairs leading down into our dorm.<p>

"Today is visiting Day", He begins direct and straightforward," and you will or won't see your family. Make sure you don't show too much attachment. Dauntless is your home now and will be your family as soon as you are members. Your rankings for the first stage will be posted this evening 8:30 pm in the training room." Our eyes meet a split second and for the first time I feel like shying away from his gaze as if he could discover something that I don't want him to see. He lets his eyes linger on all of us for a moment, probably trying to drive the lesson home with his imposing figure and the seriousness in his distant orbs. Then he turns around leaving us perplexed and grounded at the same time.

I take a quick shower, trying to sooth my sore muscles, enjoying the feeling of hot water on my skin. My stitches hurt a bit, the skin around them red and agitated. I put some crème on it and it feels cool and relaxing. I chose some tight pants, combat boots and a tank top, taking my jacket with me as I make my way to the cafeteria alone. Instead of sitting down to eat I make myself a sandwich and take a bottle of water. I don't want to take any chance and will be as far away from the Pit as possible before any visitor can arrive. As I exit I pass Eric. I feel him watch me but I don't have the nerve to think about him at the moment. My reaction from this morning is fresh in my already overloaded mind, confusing me even more because I don't know what I wanted to hide.

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><p>I make my way to the chasm. I know I will be alone there and have some time on my own. Leaning against the railing, sitting down on the cool metal I eat my breakfast, letting the sounds of the rushing water beneath me sooth my mind. I feel on edge and I am afraid of falling into one direction or the other. If I stumble even slightly I will fall. On one side awaits me blank panic and I won't be able to move or think clearly anymore. On the other depression, dark waves of sadness with a wish to just give up. They both aren't very appealing so I try to balance myself with slow eating, chewing every bite extra carefully and controlled breathing.<p>

I wish Tobias could be here with me. My head on his shoulder, one arm around me and the free hand intertwined with my fingers. I think I would be content and not afraid anymore. The happiness that I finally saw him again, could touch him and feel him is still there but it's just not enough right now. I want him to be here with me like he was countless times before. Like he was when I scraped my knee. Just like that he would change a painful experience into a lesson learned and my tearful face into one full of smiles. He always knew how to cheer me up when everything around me crumbled to dust. Tobias held my hand and cheered me on even though he had enough problems of his own and that maybe I can hope that I helped him, too. He fought off our monsters and nightmares and the bullies in school. I frown slightly at my wish that is so fierce it burns in my chest. And I feel ashamed. I know my fixation on him isn't healthy. But he was my rock for so long now that I can't remember a time when I wasn't attached to or depending on him.

I sigh, feeling pathetic. Seems like depression is winning this round. I scoff. Water bottle in hand I decide to get to know the Dauntless compound, trying to find some motivation and not drowning in the dark waves. I already visited the Pit, know where to find the infirmary, the dorm and everything else I need to know for my daily routine. But there is so much more and I feel like distracting myself with a small adventure. So I take my first steps alone again, my legs heavy and my pace unsure. The noise of the chasm slowly gets quieter and I think I will manage. Just like I managed to survive the first stage of initiation on my own.

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><p>I wander through dark tunnels, flickering lights in irregular intervals illuminating the uneven and dirty ground. When I pass doors I take a short look into the rooms that aren't locked. Most of the time I find nothing of interest. More training rooms though these are smaller than the one we use for initiation, a few closets filled with long forgotten items nobody misses and some rooms look like my old classrooms with a chalkboard on one wall and tables and desks before it. I even find the door that leads to the big hall where the net we jumped into on our first day still hangs.<p>

At some point I encounter dead ends. Then I turn around and go down another corridor never stopping to take a break. I fear if I linger too long in one position I will cancel my tour to just sit down. And with the quiet of sitting around come the thoughts I don't want to think. Not now, not ever. The steady rhythm of my steps, my low breathing and the silence help me to stay calm, to keep my balance and focus on everything except my past, the thoughts and feeling wrapped into it.

A while later, I don't know how much timed passed, I stand before a metal door at the end of a long stairway. I need to push hard to open it and when I see light I feel excitement. Cool wind brushes my face and I take a deep breath when the door is all the way open. I am on one of the roofs surrounding the hole we jumped through on Choosing Day I discover as I walk to the edge of the roof.

The sky is full of heavy clouds. They are tainted in different hues of blue and grey and move fast towards the horizon. The sun randomly appears but for the most part the light is dimmed, filling the day with a gloomy greyness. I feel like I am back in Abnegation and everything I could see was grey. I shake my head slightly, trying to not go further down that road.

I lay down, legs crossed at my ankle in the middle of the roof, concentrating on the blues of the sky and not the greys, reminding me that color is back in me. There are a few pebbles sticking uncomfortable in my back and bottom but I ignore them folding my hands on my stomach. I let the silence envelop me. Besides the rattling of the train, a few birds and the hum of the ventilation system there is nothing that could disturb me.

And like every other time when I relax and my walls are a bit lowered my thoughts return to Eric. I am quite frustrated with myself. Since I jumped off the train there seems nothing else as important as he is. I think about him so much I am surprised I know so little about him. It's annoying that not knowing and not understanding and the urge to change that. As if there aren't enough other things I have to worry about. Maybe the doctor and Christina are right and my priorities are twisted and need some serious overthinking. Instead of concentrating on initiation, on discovering myself I think about the Dauntless Leader. Though the whole discovering part isn't quite true. I made a few discoveries about myself while I really wanted to find out more about him. Maybe he is so important because he challenges me? Or because he helps me to become myself unconsciously?

I sigh. Whatever it is, he is stuck in my head. I am slightly surprised that I accept it now without a second thought. Maybe I am just tired of fighting myself on the matter or the pressure and fear of Visiting Day makes my resolve weak. And seriously there is nothing wrong with appreciating his body and being curious about his motives. I think I could learn a thing or too if I would understand him better. If I at least could ask around again. I started at the tattoo parlor but since then so much happened that I just hadn't the time not to mention no opportunities or sources. So I have nothing at my hands to go further. I try to push all of this out of my mind with great afford, don't want the thoughts to circle around each other and come up with nothing.

I concentrate on the clouds above me and I lose myself in the patterns they draw and in the colors. For a moment I envy them for being able to go wherever they want. I wish I would have been able to keep the feeling of flying with me but with all these new experiences and emotions from just two weeks of Dauntless I can't grasp it anymore. If I could just find something that would give me back that feeling. Jumping off and on trains is out of the question because we aren't allowed to leave the compound without a Dauntless member and I know it just isn't enough, the moment to short, the feeling gone too fast. I think hard for a moment. An idea enters my mind. I stand up, brushing away the pebbles from my back and bottom that I can reach with my hands. I don't need to leave the compound to fly.

I take slow steps to the edge of the roof, not at all in a hurry. When I reach it I look down, the black hole gaping back at me. I read at one point in school a quote that always captured my interest. It was from long before the war, when a continent named Europe still existed. _And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you._* Goosebumps cover my arms and I try to concentrate on my task at hand.

I try to gauge the distance between the roof I am standing on and the hole. I think it is a bit further away than from the roof we first jumped from. I hesitate for a moment, evaluating if I am still sane or lost it a few minutes ago completely without really noticing it. I roll my shoulders. What's life without a little risk? I am Dauntless and maybe I need this act that balances between bravery and stupidity to keep my balance between depression and panic – at least for today.

I take a few steps back, happy that I don't need to climb a ledge and have extra momentum. I close my eyes for a second and then I run. My feet lose ground soon after and I catapult myself over the edge of the roof, flying again. An exhilarating yell breaks free from my throat. There it is again – I am flying.

A few seconds later I land on the net hard, a tangle of limbs and hair. Because of the added distance between the edge of the roof and the hole in the ground I couldn't just fall into the net smoothly. I more like crashed then fell into it and pain spreads through my body. But I ignore it and that the air is pressed out of my lungs for a moment. My hair is in my face and when I can breathe again I laugh hysterically. I stay there, legs and arms spread away from me, the clouds above me. I calm down and feel more like myself again.

"What are you doing here?" I look over to my left and discover one of Eric's friends – the woman that knew my name even though I didn't tell her about it.

"I just wanted to jump again." She looks at me perplexed then laughs. I climb down from the net and I already miss the feeling of flying again – maybe I make it my new ritual, jumping from the roof whenever I need a boost to carry on.

"Don't you have someone to meet in the Pit? Today is Visiting Day, isn't it?" She asks me and comes over to me, eyeing my dishevelled appearance. I stiffen a bit, but try to not think about it too deeply.

"Yeah it is and no I haven't. Thank Dauntless for small favors." She chuckles again and suddenly holds out her hand in front of her. I grab it, trying to get the handshake right. How a simple ritual like that can still bother me after everything else I have been through is beyond me.

"I am Jules, by the way. Last time I hadn't the opportunity to introduce myself." Last time I had to talk to Eric about my strategy and I probably would have been too focused on Eric – again – to talk to her or even take notice really.

"I would give you my name, but you already know it. And nice to meet you." I answer, a bit overwhelmed. Maybe I am just surprised that someone was here. I thought that this hall is deserted but for one day of the year. Jules smiles and points forward, asking me silently to accompany her.

"Eric tells me everything about initiation so I should know your name by now." I falter in my steps for a moment and try to camouflage it with brushing of imaginable dust from my pants. I look her up and down from the corner of my eyes. She has long hair like me, hold back in a side braid. Her eyes are an unusual brown, light around the iris and she is quite beautiful.

"Why would he do that? Isn't it quite boring if one isn't involved directly or because of a family member?" I am surprised my voice sounds so casual when in reality all I can think about is what Eric told her exactly and what kind of relationship they share.

"Oh, it is, but I want to take over the initiation training for the Dauntless-born eventually so I make it my business and he is so good in telling anecdotes." I hold open the door for her, throwing a last glance at the net, parting with a hopeful _see you soon_.

"Anecdotes? I can hardly imagine there is a lot to talk about. I mean we fought and went on a few trips... what did Eric tell you?" I put my hands in my pants pockets and let my hair fall forward to hide just how curios I am about the next things she will say.

"Oh, just about a Stiff that caught his eye. First jumper. He couldn't believe it." I blush and Jules shoves me lightly, smiling broadly. "He talks about you quite a lot when I think about it. How you were the one that made the win in Capture the Flag even possible and so on."

"It wasn't that big of a deal." I mumble and I really think that it wasn't a big deal. If I hadn't had that fight with Peter someone else would have come up with a good plan. I was just irked enough to show Peter his place that I just blurted out my plan. Lynn could have been the one for example. She is quite intelligent and could have pulled it off just as well.

"Oh, but it was. Believe me. It is always an honor to be on the team who wins but being the one to come up with the strategy..." I just shrug, what could I say to that. We are close to our training room now and I think that maybe I could get some exercise without the other initiates being around. I am really a recluse, am I not, I think for a second not quite sure how to feel about it.

"I guess I will leave you now. It was nice talking to you, Jules." I smile at her and she nods her head.

"Same. I hope Eric will..." She is interrupted by someone calling her name. I don't need to look to know who it is that stands behind us.

"Jules." His voice is calm and deep, not betraying anything just like always. I huff to myself and turn around together with Jules.

"Oh, hey there. Speak of the devil. I just talked to Tris here about her good work in Capture the Flag." Jules isn't bothered by his presence at all it seems. She smiles at him and I think she is brave to do so. His arms are crossed over his chest and his eyes are a bit darker than normal. I take in his figure again, my eyes drawn to his shoulders and arms. I stare at the tattoos at his neck for a moment and feel myself blush a little.

"I see." Well, talking much, I think to myself and look back to Jules to not stare at Eric anymore.

"Oh, don't pull the hard ass on me. I know you far too long that that will work. You see, Tris, we were both Erudite transfers and were in the same initiation class. He could get anyone with that behavior of his but I am immune to him by now." She chuckles softly, her eyes flickering from him to me. Her eyebrows raise for a second, then there is a slight glint in her eyes, her mouth pulled up into a grin. I see Eric glare at her probably angry for telling me these things.

"Anyway, I need to go now, some things to finish before I can take the rest of the day off. Tris, as I was about to say, I hope Eric will invite you to our table sometime soon and we can talk a bit more." She smiles, touching my shoulder for a moment and I just nod with a small smile of my own. There is a short moment of nonverbal communication between Jules and Eric before she turns around and disappears in the direction of the Pit.

I take a look at Eric, still standing there without uttering another word after Jules left. I bite my bottom lip and he frowns. Suddenly I remember his actions and words the last two times I bit or chewed my lip and stop it immediately. He smirks knowingly and a bit teasingly? I feel my flush deepen. I hurriedly nod in his general direction and vanish behind the door of the training room to get started. There is much to think about again.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>

* Quote by Friedrich Nietzsche: Beyond Good and Evil, Aphorism 146 – The whole thing would be as followed: _He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you. _I always loved Nietzsche and I found the quote to be quite fitting for my own life and the scene we find Tris in.


	19. Chapter 18

_As always - Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_I want to thank especially the guests for their reviews. It means a lot to me that you take the time to leave me a few words. Of course a thank you to my other reviewers as well. All of you are awesome._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 18<strong>

While I am stretching my calves and back thighs I hear the door to the training room open. I had to take it easy on my left arm to not open the wound again but apart from the slight pain I easily forgot about the injury. Eric and Amar enter, the former holding a clipboard. I take a quick glance at the clock and realise with slight surprise that I forgot about lunch and it is ten minutes before 8 o'clock. I frown slightly, not used to be this absorbed in training that I forget to eat. Just as I think that my stomach growls. Sighing I leave the room to go the cafeteria.

Visiting Day ended about an hour ago. I sigh happily that I finished the day without too many dark thoughts and a good workout. After grabbing some fruits and a cheese sandwich I sit by myself again not bothering to look for Uriah, Lynn or Marlene. They probably are exhausted after a day with their families. I think I would be if I had a family that is. To be near someone and share some thoughts is quite alright with me, but I feel safer keeping to myself.

A shiver runs down my spine. Now that I start to relax and am not going through exercise after exercise I feel the coldness on my uncovered arms and the stitches hurting more as well. I wish I had taken my jacket with me. Just as I think that a pullover lands on my head.

"I don't want to see you barely dressed in front of everyone all sweaty and hot from your training." I blush a deep red and take the sponsored item pulling it over my head, enjoying the feeling of the fabric on my skin and the smell it carries. I am swimming in all the rough material, my hands disappearing in the sleeves but I don't care because I feel safe. I smile up at him, freeing my hair from under the collar.

"Hey Four." He winks at me and sits down, one leg on each side of the bench, next to me. I kiss him lightly on the cheek, feeling a light scratch from his stubbles there and go back to my tray, popping a piece of an apple in my mouth.

"How was your day?" I ask him casually. He shrugs and I take a bite from my sandwich next.

"You know, looking at monitors, running some errands, making sure a certain someone doesn't get to you." He lowers his voice at the end and I stiffen a bit. Tobias runs a hand along my back and I relax again. There is nothing to fear. If he says he watched out for me from wherever he was I know he did without a doubt in my mind.

"Actually I don't know. I don't know what you are up to or where to find you or anything really." I half-heartedly complain. He smiles apologetic and takes my free hand into his, intertwining our fingers.

"I am sorry, Tris. I would have tried to reach you sooner but I was stationed in Candor for a few weeks to guard the prison. As soon as I have time I will cook us something in my apartment and we can talk. Until then we just have a few moments. With the second stage coming up you won't have too much time anyway." Now that he mentions it I feel a prickle on the back of my neck. I put the sandwich down and massage my shoulders a bit. I know I won't be cut. I know I did it through the first stage and I wasn't half bad. Second stage would begin soon and again I ask myself how they will test our emotional capability and if I would even stand a chance.

"I am a bit nervous about the ranking today. I mean, I know I did well enough, winning some fights and stuff, but I don't know the criteria Amar and Eric use to evaluate us. It's a bit annoying to be held in the dark about something so important." I tell him in a small voice, eyes fixed on my plate, hands fumbling with the sleeves of his black pullover. He pulls my head to his and kisses my temple. I relish in how he shows his affection and that he is never shy in doing so. I remember that I was afraid that something would have changed between us, that we couldn't talk or treat each other anymore the way we used to. But until now I can't see that happening. It is as if we never said goodbye, uncertain if we would ever see each other again.

"You did well, I am sure. Don't think about it too much. From the things I heard from the debriefing you kicked your attacker's ass." His voice is calm and the way he says it, so sure about my abilities without even seeing them himself, lets me feel confident. He looks at his wristwatch and groans slightly.

"I have to go again. I am sorry, Tris." I just shrug my shoulders. Now that he is back in the compound we will have enough time to catch up and just be together. I really look forward to it.

"What time is it anyway?"

"8:17 pm." I swallow the last bite of my sandwich and look to him again. He smiles encouragingly and squeezes my hand.

"Rankings will be posted any minute now. I am still weighing going there with everyone else against going later when no one can bother me with mean comments." Its Tobias' turn to stiffen, but I wave him off before he can ask any questions I don't want to answer yet.

"It's ok. It means nothing. I can deal with it." I sound so strong in that moment that I even believe myself. But Tobias always had a neck to discover even my best told lies.

"If it is nothing, why are you avoiding them?" I childishly stick my tongue out for a moment and he laughs. It is a rich sound and reminds me of our summers when we could stay out late together without anyone being suspicious about it.

"It's more annoying than anything. Compared to training, initiation and everything else it is child's play. So don't you worry and off you go. I am a big girl." He doesn't seem convinced but smiles anyway, kisses the top of my head again and stands up.

"Oh, and by the way. I will keep the pullover." I quip and he smirks in return.

"It's a gift." He winks and leaves the cafeteria. Not too soon after I leave as well and go to the training room. When I enter most of the other initiates are already there. I stand back a bit, feeling comfortable in Tobias' pullover that goes down to my midnights. It's quite fascinating how his scent can relax me and makes me feel whole. We wait for Amar or Eric to speak up. It's Amar that does.

"The ranking you will see now is only for the first stage. You were evaluated throughout these two weeks on how you progressed, how you fought and how you did for the two tests: Capture the Flag and the day with the Abnegation in the Factionless sector. If you won against an opponent that was higher in the ranking you get more points, for winning against a weaker opponent respectively lesser points. These rankings are final for stage one. Tomorrow at 8 am you will meet us here again. We will be joined by the Dauntless-born and you continue your training together. If you have questions you can ask me the next few days. Now, as for the ranking itself." He turns around and uncovers the chalkboard. My breath hitches.

Edward

Peter

Tris

Will

Chris

Molly

Al

Drew

Myra

Third place. I smile to myself but then I blanch. Drew and Myra will leave us tomorrow. They will be Factionless. Even if I don't know Myra and don't like Drew I would never wish someone their fate. Without family, without shelter – Abnegation only able to do so much. They refurnished some buildings, opened the kitchens but there were just so many Factionless that it would be never enough. They still live in poverty. I shiver slightly and I am happy that Al isn't out yet because without him being aware I am thankful to have met him. His softness taught me something and I was amazed at this discovery.

His gentle character stands out so much that I could compare him and his reactions and manners to that of other Dauntless and what I would prefer. I already know that his cowardice is something I dislike about him but now I am sure that there is more to it. I was a bit startled when I saw the interaction between Tori and George, their way of teasing and calling each other names and I asked myself if I could act like them, wanted to act that way. And now I know that my answer is a definite yes.

I know Al means well with all the compliments and understanding and gentle mannerism but it really grinds my gears. I don't want to be coddled or treated carefully. I want fights and I want name calling and I want to feel all these things to their full expense. I don't think I could live a different life. These feelings make me feel alive and have to be extreme in some way to do so. Maybe it is more like a flaw than anything else but because I got to know Al I can really appreciate that flaw or notion within me because the alternative – a life he probably wants to live – would be the beginning of me wilting and going completely numb.

I am brought back from my thoughts by the silence around me. The atmosphere is thick with a mixture of things I can't deceiver. There is small chatter between Will and Al, Myra leaning against Edward, head in her hands, probably crying. Chris looks to me and I see her frown. Why exactly she frowns in my direction I have no idea and seriously I am not interested in it at the moment. Whatever her reason is I think she will talk to me when she is ready.

I try to ignore the glances Molly throws me but something else picks my interest soon enough. Peter is looking at the board and I have never seen him this calm. I feel my stomach turn into knots observing him. Until now he always displayed his emotions in typical Candor style, his opinions cruel, mean, but at least honest. At least I think he is honest in his dislike and even hate for something because I don't think anyone can pretend those feelings. They just need too much energy and displaying as a facade would be even more exhausting. As he looks at the ranking, arms crossed, shoulders tense I think he plans something and tries to suppress his Candor upbringing to just come out with it. I hope I am wrong.

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><p>I sit back leaning against the steel beam I last sat at after my fight against Molly. Christina was still talking to me and I was fixated on getting stronger and leaving the old me behind. And I wasn't aware that Eric had caught my eye right from the start. The events that transpired after my fight between me and him are still confusing. I frown slightly and try to forget the feeling of his strong hands on my face, looking around the room to let something else catch my attention.<p>

I look up when Christina walks over to me cautiously. I am surprised that I am not sure if I want to talk to her. Even more so because I realise I am still hurt from her behavior. I still believe that she has a good heart and is all in all a good person. I am just not sure if I can handle her treating me the way she did and does at the moment. My nerves are still a bit on edge because of Visiting Day and everything that happened. But I won't be a coward and ignore her approaching me. I will speak to her and maybe the things that lay between us will dissolve themselves.

I push myself up into a standing position and cross my arms. I try not to feel defensive and want to keep an open mind. Maybe she is just as concerned about us drifting apart as I realise I am. Whatever comes now, I think, and even though I want to close the gap between us, I will stand up for myself and make sure she understands what I feel – although I am a bit frightened to let her see too much.

"Where were you the whole day?" Chris asks and I am slightly taken aback by her bluntness and the tone of her voice. There goes my resolve. I feel like she wants to fight and not solve the problems. She looks suspicious again. No 'Tris, I am sorry' or anything and my temper flares, making me lash out instead of trying to keep calm.

"Oh, so you are talking to me again? I wasn't sure with the whole on-off-thing you do." My voice sounds annoyed even to me and I cringe inwardly. Christina seems to be surprised by my jab in her direction. What did she expect me to do? Is her perception of me really that twisted?

"Well, obviously. And it's not as if I avoided you." She starts to sound just as annoyed. I grit my teeth to not scoff at her.

"As if I hadn't a reason to." Bitter. That's the way I feel now. I am bitter.

"Tell me about it." She is challenging me and I won't back down. Too much happened already and there is too much confusion within me to still control myself. I have had enough of this day already and it can just end. One more confrontation or emotional up-down-side-back and I am out for some blood. The notion is new to me, surprising, but I embrace it. It lets me feel strong.

"You thought that Peter was right. After everything he put you not to talk about your sister through you believed him when he said I would offer myself to Eric to get a better rank. Even though you have seen with your own eyes what I am capable of you took the easy way instead of accepting that I am good at what I am doing." I say more then I want to but I can't seem to stop myself.

"Because you underestimated me and belittled me for coming from Abnegation and for being small and plain and insignificant. Because you couldn't accept that a stupid Stiff might be better then you and it is easier to suspect something dirty then accepting the truth about oneself. I told you there was nothing between Eric and I. There still isn't... you... you believed Peter over me." I stop myself there, my voice starting to waver and I would just repeat myself. I don't want her to know just how much her behavior affected me. Not now at least when she doesn't want to make peace.

Christina is silent for a moment, her gaze hard just like my eyes are. I think I destroyed something that could have been a friendship with a little more time and interaction. No, not I destroyed it. It's not completely my fault. I may have been distant and aloof with her because I can't stand to be close to anyone, but she did enough things with her behavior as well. She hurt me enough, too.

"You are right." She says. Her honesty surprises and hurts me even though I know she was raised in Candor and I should have expected it. It's like a slap in the face. I don't know what to say so I keep quiet. I feel like I already talked enough for a week. And suddenly I feel angry. Angry at myself because I let people come close who haven't proved that they can be faithful and caring. And I am angry at Christina though I know it isn't her fault that she percepts me as weak – just like everyone else does – and thinks she can do whatever she wants to without taking in consideration that it might hurt me or make me angry. My fists clench at my side, the nails painfully boring into my palms. She sees my hands, sees my posture then and takes another step in my direction. Her posture changes but her eyes stay the same.

"Tris, look..." I watch her for a moment contemplating if I want to listen to her. If I can take more words even though I was the one talking, her small confession all it took for me to reach the end of my patience.

But I don't need to think about it. She seems to search for words that aren't there because nothing she could say would excuse her suspicious behaviour towards me or the way she belittled me right from the beginning even if it was just in her head and she didn't insult me like Peter did. And I think maybe she realises it right now, too, because her mouth shuts. Christina doesn't utter another word, her lips parting and closing again as if she has a silent conversation with herself. I find myself hoping that maybe she can give me a good reason for her behavior, but she doesn't. Chris just averts her eyes to the punching bags left to her, shoulders slumped forward.

"Shut it. Just leave me alone." But I don't let her make the decision to go, I go and I don't look back.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	20. Chapter 19

_Thanks to my beta Torry-Riddle._

_Thanks to anyone who took the time to review. Because I am watching Insurgent tonight (my time) I upload this a bit earlier and look forward what you think of the it. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 19<strong>

I don't enter the dorm too late that evening. This whole day was a catastrophe and not even seeing Tobias helps me. The many emotions I have gone through are just too much to take anymore and I just want to fall asleep to end my thoughts for a few hours.

As I go through my rituals to get ready for a good night's sleep I discover that my anger slowly dissipates exhaustion taking its place. As I replay the fight with Christina I flinch. Everything has gone from slightly uncomfortable to a full disaster and I think I lost an opportunity to get a friend that could have helped me to discover myself.

I think if it wasn't for the whole Visiting Day and my confusion about so many things I wouldn't have reacted that way. I don't regret telling her what I think and feel and I still believe my speech was justified. Maybe a bit irreconcilable but just. Maybe my voice held too much anger, too, I think and I was too unyielding to begin with. Maybe she believed Peter so quickly because her perception told her that there is at least a small truth in it – she told me about Eric looking at me and she reacted suspicious to his treatment of me. As it is I don't think there is anything I can do at the moment. I am not a person to hold a grudge if it is something as little as a misunderstanding. I sigh.

I may not hold grudges because I think they are a waste of time but I am not backing down now. Being honest with myself I am not good at apologising as well. So maybe I have to accept that I am really alone now – or not alone, I still have Tobias.

I put crème on my upper left arm and pull Tobias' pullover over my head again, curling into myself, into the fabric that smells of him and my sheets, back turned to the whole room and trying to be as small as possible. Just too much for one day. It doesn't take long before I fall asleep but I awake every few minutes, tossing and turning not really finding relief.

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><p>I sigh again and am about to stand up when a sudden swishing sound lets me freeze. And then there is a bloodcurdling scream and a thud. I am highly alerted now and spring up from my bed, trying to find the light switch. When the lamps flicker on above me, I need a moment to get used to it. And then I stare in disbelieve at the scene in front of me. Rooted to the ground in shock. Edward is laying on the floor, hands pressed against his face, a butter knife glinting between his fingers. From the position of the knife I expect it to be planted in his eye and he is already laying in a small pool of his own blood.<p>

My mind sways for a moment in disbelief and I think for a moment it just is too much for me to take in but than my brain shuts down, my mind turns numb. I am on autopilot again, just like I was when I thought Eric was in danger. There is no reluctance in my mind when I approach him, his blood and screams. I take big steps towards him, pressing Myra down onto a bed because she is hysterically standing next to him, tears streaming down her pale face. She looks like she is in at least as much pain as her boyfriend is. I yell for someone to get the stupid doctor already and I need to shove Will a bit before he starts to run.

After that I am uncomfortably calm. I can't feel my face because it is in a neutral, numb expression. I don't have to fake it. I can't lose my head, not when Edward needs someone so desperately. I crouch down on my knees, the warm blood and the cold floor letting me shiver for a moment but I don't really notice it. I take his head into my hands, gentle and careful, laying it down on my knees. He rolls around from one side to the other. I hold him still, pressing my fingers into his cheeks and push his hands away to make sure he doesn't make it worse. As if there is anything about this situation that could be worse.

"Take it out, please. Take it out, it hurts!" His voice changes from whimpers to screams and I hush him softly, running my fingers through his dirty blond hair and over his face feeling the tears, cold sweat and the blood. I try to put my calm onto him, to let him know that someone is there with him in his world that is filled with pain and shock.

"I know it hurts. But we have to wait for the doctor to take it out. Breath, just breath." I don't recognize my own voice. My hands hold his cheeks, fingers gentle at his jaw and I take a good look at the damage. I breathe out in a sigh and shut my eyes for a moment. After that I don't look down again. I just look ahead to the wall with unseeing eyes calming Edward down and feeling numb myself. There is no doubt in my mind that it was Peter. It's supported by the fact that both Peter and Drew are missing. I whisper soothing words I don't even hear, letting my fingers caress his forehead. He is calmer now but still whimpers now and then. I can't even begin to imagine his pain but I don't need to, I think.

I am not sure how much time passes until someone takes him out of my arms. I just know I shushed him, fingers in his hair, and the other hand on his chest to keep him down, feeling his heartbeat and labored breathing. I don't remember a thing after that, my mind numb with the experience.

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><p>Later I just find myself in a bathroom in front of a mirror without an idea how I got into it or who took me. I feel calloused hands on mine, warm water running down the joined limbs turning from clear to red. I feel my back pressed against a hard chest, my breath in tune with his. Calm and regular. The heartbeat grounding me, making me feel real again. My mind returns to my body and is nearly crushed under the weight of exhaustion. His heat is keeping me comfortable against the cold in the washroom.<p>

I look up to see myself in the mirror. Dark shadows under my grey-blue eyes, hair dishevelled, pale skin. I don't recognize the girl in there as the girl who joined Dauntless in hope for a better life. It is the one I saw every three months when I was allowed to look into a mirror in Abnegation. Maybe physical and mental pain aren't so different after all – at least their effects seem to be the same. I can't stand the things I see there. The broken mind in my dull eyes, the furrowed brows and no fire anywhere. I avert my eyes, close them violently and I am angry because I am a coward to not be able to face myself.

I smell him beneath the other scents in the bathroom. I try to absorb as much of him as possible hoping it will calm me down. Having him behind me helps a lot already, his strong hands on my skin, his arms circled around me, protecting me from the outside world. Or maybe I am just too exhausted emotionally to really feel anything other than his heat and my tiredness. I try to concentrate on him and nothing else and deep gratitude fills me. I really like him close to me. I sigh softly.

My eyes open again, searching the image of the man behind me who concentrates on cleaning my hands and forearms. He seems to be lost in the task, his brow furrowed, too. He looks as distant and as strong as ever and I envy him for always being so unaffected. I wish I could be like him in that matter. I sigh again and our eyes meet for a split second as he glances up. My head is still against his collarbone and a sense of rightness invades every cell in my body. I don't care that it is inappropriate on so many levels I can't even start to phantom, not now, not in the near future. And it doesn't matter that I haven't figured him out or my feelings and thoughts about him. I just feel so safe there, leaning against him, absorbing his warmth, letting him take care of me because I shut down. It's as if instead of Eric Tobias stands there. At the same time it's a completely different sort of safety. A safety that is more complex and surprisingly holds more meaning – at least for me.

"Thank you." I simply whisper, my lips still numb from being pressed together for a long amount of time I suppose. He turns off the water and takes a green towel from his left side to start drying my pale skin. He is gentle, treating me like I am some intricate glass figure. I don't mind in this moment, though. I feel like breaking.

"You weren't reacting to anyone and the doctor said to take you out of the dorm and get you cleaned up. He said you have a shock." He talks barely above a whisper, the sound a bit raspy. I guess he was woken in the middle of the night because he is one of our instructors and something so dreadful happened. He speaks as if he is talking to an animal and isn't sure what to expect: an attack or a break-down or both one after the other. I start to speak without really realising it.

"Edward was attacked in the middle of the night, just like that. I didn't sleep well because I have so much on my mind and just as I decided to go for a walk to clear my mind and shut out the thoughts and hypothesis and just everything. Suddenly I hear that sound and then there is screaming. I switch on the light and see Edward. Someone drove a butter knife into his eye. I was afraid he would do more damage so I thought that someone needed to calm him down, anyone really." It seems I have to verbally express all the details to get it out of my mind and stop it from replaying itself in front of my eyes. I know I am rambling because there aren't enough words to explain it to myself or anyone really. There aren't enough words to forget, too. I will never forget. And I am grateful that he lets me just talk.

"But Myra, his girlfriend was hysteric and the others just stood there watching, one even vomited though I am not sure about that. I just know I smelled something sour and foul. I took over or something inside of me took over." I swallow, my throat dry, my lips still numb, stumbling over the thoughts I want to put into words.

"I put his head in my lap, running my hand through his hair. His hair is so soft and I remembered that I always felt calmer when Tobias did it for me after a rough night. I thought it would calm Edward down as well. Nice Edward that wasn't really my friend but an ally and who stood up for me while we played Capture the Flag. Edward that was concerned about me on our day in Abnegation without even knowing me." My eyes burn but no tear slips from them. I think there aren't any tears left in me and it would be inappropriate to cry because Edward was the one in pain, with his eyeball pierced with a butter knife. I feel bile rise in my throat, but I need to keep talking. So I talk and he stays silent as if he knows I need to get it off my chest.

"I tried to tell him everything will be alright, though I know it won't be. Silly phrases, words without truth. I lied through my teeth. Nothing will be alright again and I couldn't do anything to make it better except tell him to stay calm. How can him ..." I am interrupted as Eric turns me around and pulls me into his chest, one hand at my back the other pressing my head to his body. His hand is so big he nearly covers my back from one side to the other and it just feels good and right that he holds me like this, that he is taller than me, stronger even. I shake and I don't think I can stop. He doesn't say a word and I am grateful because there is nothing to say except empty words that won't help anyone. We stay silent, the quiet around us only broken by the sound of the old heating pipes and my clattering teeth.

"He was brought to the hospital. The doctor said he doesn't have any hope for the eye but is sure he will make it." I nod, my face against the soft fabric of his t-shirt. He doesn't have to tell me these things but he does and I see his reasoning. He wants to give me a closure as well. But I think I will only have a closure when the attacker is punished. I don't believe in an eye for an eye but this time I would make an exception because it was just so malicious to attack someone that sleeps and couldn't protect himself.

"Edward will leave Dauntless and Myra with him." I say, my voice muffled against him, his scent overpowering the disinfection and soap-smell that lingers around us. Smelling him helps. I feel my muscles relax a bit, though I am still shaking, small shivers running down my skin and I think I would be freezing from exhaustion, memories and the bathroom without him against me. Without him folding me into him. I find it a little concerning that I need him but the thought is fleeting and I forget about it just a second after. I like the security he gives me and I like him close to me.

"The decision is really up to him. But I think you are right. He will leave." My arms are around his waist and I realise that someone took Tobias' pullover away, leaving me in my tank top. I sigh because it was the only thing I have that smelled like him and kept me safe even though he isn't close by and I just got it yesterday. I know it is ridiculous, being sad about a pullover. I feel it. But I think I want to deter my attention from the events.

"Where is my pullover? Four just gave me that pullover. I need it back." I feel Eric stiffen for a moment but ignore it. My hands are laying comfortable against his warm back feeling the hard muscles and strength beneath the shirt, drawing energy from him.

"I threw it away. It was soaked in blood." I am disappointed but nod anyway because I think it was the right decision. It wouldn't smell like Tobias anymore. He puts his hands on my shoulders and pushes me back. His eyes are gentle and I lose myself in their grey for a moment. If only I could see what goes through his mind.

"I asked Jules to take you in for the night. She will be here any moment. I am sure you can use her shower and she has a spare pair of pants for you." I look down and see the still wet patches of blood on my knees and shins. I avert my gaze and nod again. My arms hang limply at my side. They feel empty and unimportant without the previous occupation – holding Eric against me.

"Can you hold me just a moment longer please?" I don't know where I took the strength from to be this bold but it really doesn't matter because I know it will help me and I already miss his closeness. I observe his face with tired eyes. He frowns for a few seconds, seems to contemplate something. He sighs and looks vulnerable for just a split second. I look into his eyes and see a flash of affection that makes something inside of me flutter. He softly brushes a strand of my blond hair behind my ear, cups my cheek afterwards, his thumb softly caressing the skin under my eye. I let them close and lean into his touch.

His hand glides from my cheek to my shoulder and pulls me gently towards him. I fall into him, my arms again snaking around his waist, squeezing him to me for a moment. One of his hands strokes my neck, the other is on my hip. I feel him lean down and think I feel lips in my hair. I press my lips on his chest, just above his heart.

"Thank you, Eric. For everything." He doesn't answer and we stay like this, lost in the moment and ourselves.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	21. Chapter 20

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_Ok, so I just came back home from the cinema and I am really depressed... the movie is pretty intense. You have to watch it, srsly. That and because you all made me nearly cry with your reviews (tears of happiness of course) I update again today. Thank you so much for your kind words! I will probably reply to all of you - if possible - throughout the week. Until Saturday!_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

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><p><strong>Chapter 20<strong>

I don't know how long we stand in his bathroom, he holding me and unconsciously healing me. He leads me out of the bathroom, his big hand clasping my small one. I find myself in a small living room. A couch, a coffee table, a lamp and some books. It isn't anything special. There is a knock on the door and Eric goes to open it. He drops my hand after caressing it with his thumb a last time and just then I realise he held it. I feel my hand is empty just like my arms where after he left them.

"Where is she?" Jules enters the room, her voice clouded with concern and discovers me. She takes in my appearance and I see pity in her eyes. I scowl for a second but then I try to see myself through her eyes, how I have to appear to her.

"Thanks for taking her in." Eric's voice is deep and calm. Jules nods, takes one of my hands and pulls me gently to the door. I look back to Eric, his grey eyes on me with a glint in them I can't place with my tired mind. I nod in his direction and he closes the door. I feel a bit disappointed to leave him but follow Jules anyway down the corridor to another door. She shows me her bathroom, lays out some sweatpants and a towel.

I let the warm water sooth my muscles, try to wash away the events, the fights, the feelings. I want to be bare of everything. After my shower I am dressed in tank top and sweatpants, thick socks on my feet. Jules prepared her couch for me, the pillows soft, and the sheet large and smelling of lemons. I pull it up to my nose, curling into myself, making me as small as possible. I fall into darkness soon after, my body tired enough to shut my mind out, sleep overtaking my exhausted form.

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><p>I hear some rustling and a small thud in front of me but keep my eyes closed for a moment longer to orientate. I didn't dream and I am so grateful because now the events of last night come rushing back to me and I feel sick. Edward, poor Edward. I wasn't friends with him but I liked him. His calm, brave and caring being and now he will be Factionless – I am almost completely sure he will leave Dauntless. Not because he is afraid but because he can't trust anyone anymore. I think back to Eric as well and I feel like crying. After everything I have done to prove to myself and everyone else that I am strong I break when it really counts. I was weak even though I should have been brave. My eyes burn and I press my face against the cushions hard, trying to suppress the urge to cry. I haven't cried because of Edward and I won't cry because I failed. Stage two begins today and I will just work harder to get stronger. At the moment though I would gladly stay under the thick covers, pressed into the cushions for a little longer but I bring myself to sit up, folding my legs under me.<p>

I think about Eric some more, my mind circling. I don't understand my need for him and I am just the slightest bit embarrassed by my actions. I frown and try to tell my feelings apart. I don't regret it, though. It might have been a bold step, but it felt right, I felt right and holding him and him I felt right, too. But I also feel weak for breaking like this. And in front of him.

"Good morning, Tris." Jules says gently, coming over and placing a plate with eggs, bacon and buttered bread in front of me next to a steaming cup of tea. I nod back at her, both in greeting and thanks. She smiles softly.

"Eric came by earlier to check on you. I haven't seen him this worried since we were still in Erudite and his mother was waiting on a diagnosis from the doctors." I frown for a moment and I am not sure why she tells me something so random. Maybe she is a bit nervous because she as well doesn't know what to expect from me after the things I saw and did.

"What time is it?" I ask calmly, taking up my fork and begin to take small bites from my plate.

"Half past one pm." I look up shocked and Jules seems to know what I am thinking about.

"Amar and Eric decided to pause initiation for today because almost everyone is still shocked. Not a good thing for stage two. You are to meet tomorrow morning at 8 am." Nodding slightly I turn back to my plate in front of me. I don't want to eat, my stomach still turning making me feel sick, but I urge myself to empty the plate. I need to eat, I need to stay nourished. I have to get stronger.

When Jules comes back into the room I am leaning against the back of the couch, teacup in hand, staring at the wall in front of me. I feel comfortable enough, the room silent and I enjoy the calmness her light blue walls install in me.

"Thank you for letting me stay with you for the night." She takes the place next to me, mirroring my position.

"You are welcome." I feel her eyes on me but I continue to stare ahead. I don't want to meet her eyes that probably still hold pity. We are silent for a few seconds longer. Then I feel Jules shift beside me.

"You know, you were really brave. I don't think I could have done what you did for the other initiate." I scoff slightly.

"His name is Edward. And I don't think I was brave. I shut down and someone else had to take care of me. I was weak and Eric saw it." I cringe because I don't want her to know how much it bothers me that he saw me in this state. Jules chuckles softly and I avert my eyes to her surprised by her reaction.

"I think he never saw someone braver in his entire life. I don't think I did as well. We are Dauntless and do all these reckless things, but true bravery only shows when someone else is in need of protection. And you did it for Edward without a second thought." I hear her words but I don't feel them as if my mind is cushioned and the only things reaching me are the guilt for not doing more and losing it afterwards. Jules seems to sense my feelings, touching my shoulder with a feather light hand and before she can continue to talk about bravery and how excellent I did, I speak up.

"I think I should probably head out again, train a bit, get my head off of things." I stand up, my legs tingling from sitting to long in one position, blood rushing back into my limbs now. Jules stays silent for a moment, maybe contemplating if it is safe to let me go.

"Ok. If you need anything...you know, someone to listen, I am here." She is the second person to offer me something like that. Do I carry a sign telling anyone I am a troubled girl or something? I frown for a moment and nod then.

"Thank you. I'll keep that in mind." Jules brings me to her door, pressing my shoulder for a last time. When the door closes behind me, I take a deep breath. I already feel like I have experienced too much in too short time and initiation isn't even halfway over. I think about Tobias and how he felt while he was an initiate. If he was as exhausted as I am? If he had as many thoughts running through his mind? I think it would help to talk to him. But for now I decide to do as I said. I will go and train. Maybe the exercise can put a hold on everything around and within me.

* * *

><p>I run until my legs are close to giving out under me. After taking a short pause I lift weights so long my muscles shiver and burn in pain. I practice my punches and kicks until my knuckles are split. But all of this doesn't help to stop my thoughts. I think about Edward and Peter, about how one of them was everything Dauntless is looking for and the other is jealous and cruel. I see Myra hysterically crying and unable to utter a word. I ask myself how it would be like to love someone so much. Someone that isn't a part of your family. I know I love my brother with all my heart but this love is completely different from that of a sibling. Because it isn't just there. It grows with shared experiences.<p>

After everything I experienced as a child and throughout my early teenage years I am not sure if I could give my all for a person, to love so deeply it hurts just as much when the other is injured. This love is something special and in this moment I think I know it isn't something for me. It comes with dependence and trust and with the other knowing you like you yourself do or even better. Fear. That's what I feel when I think about it.

The door to the training room squeaks open and I look behind me, strands from my ponytail falling into my face. I push them back and greet Uriah with a short nod.

"Hey." His voice is soft, his hands are in his pockets. Uriah looks at my knuckles and frowns.

"How are you?" I shrug in response because I don't know for sure how I feel. It's all a mess in my head. I hope that that will change soon. He nods understandingly and I guess growing up in Dauntless gives you a bit of insight. Maybe he lost a friend or a family member in a cruel way. Maybe he saw something that was too much for his still young mind. Just like I did. We stay silent, I go back to my punches and kicks and he observes me and my movements. I don't think he judges me or is weighing me. There is just nothing else to look at and take his attention away.

"I want to invite you to something only Dauntless-born are normally allowed to." I keep my back to him, only slightly turning my head so he knows I am listening.

"Could you meet me in the Pit at 9 pm?" I think for a moment. Whatever it is, Uriah thinks it will help me or he wouldn't have asked me. In all his endearing teasing, bantering and lightheartedness he is a very caring person. The way he makes sure that Marlene and Lynn are ok the whole time, the way he doesn't ask questions about my background even though he showed interest, the way he respects my silence. I really like Uriah and I think he is my friend. A real friend.

I turn around and smile slightly. It feels a bit foreign though I just laughed with Tobias not a day ago. It seems ages ago now.

"I will be there." Uriah looks up from his feet and smiles too. He nods once and makes his way over to the door.

"Oh, and Trissy, don't exhaust yourself even more then you already are." I scoff at the nickname but a warm feeling blooms in my stomach. Before I can answer him he is already gone. I embrace the emotion within me, saving it for later.

* * *

><p>After I showered and ate something I find myself leaning against a wall in the Pit, hands in my tight black pants, eyes observing the crowd. At one point I find Eric looking my way, standing with Jules and his two other friends, sharing a drink probably. Jules smiles my way and yells a light 'Hey, Tris!' I smile at her in return, still grateful for her help this morning. I am surprised when I see Eric push her slightly to the side and approaching me. His grey eyes are different than normal but I can't place what it is that changes them. He stops in front of me, closer than I thought he would, his feet on either side of mine. I cross my arms over my chest, not showing him that I am nervous for what is to come.<p>

"Stiff." His voice is a bit raspy and not as calm as I am used to. I look into his face, trying to find the reason why he would come over to me. He stares at me for a few moments, his eyes taking me in. He watches me so long I have the feeling he wants to memorize my features. He is not judging me, not in the professional way like the times he tried to gauge my injuries.

Without me noticing his hand is next to my face, slowly getting closer to it as if he wants to make sure I am comfortable with his advances. His fingertips brush against my skin, his hand gliding into the position it had yesterday. My eyes shut automatically and I feel myself leaning into his hand that is calloused and warm and strong. I sigh and he lets his hand drop. I miss his touch again.

"Hey to you, too." I say, to cover up both of our actions, a bit taken aback by his behavior and mine. He averts his eyes to the side. His jaw clenches and unclenches. I think he battles with himself or something within him. About what I don't know. He leans forward a bit, his grey eyes meeting mine again, a hand grasping my hip none too gentle and I feel my cheeks flush from his touch there. It is far too intimate and intense for me to take in.

"What are you doing?" My voice sounds a bit breathless. I feel something inside of me flutter again. He smirks playfully, leaning closer still and I can feel and smell his hot breath now. And then there is anger within me. What I am angry about I don't really now. Maybe it is a mixture of a few things: That he is at least slightly drunk and approaches me in this state, or that I am reacting to his touch, so in tune with the feel of his hands on me, or that he makes me feel things I haven't ever before, or that I see that he knows that he has an effect on me in all the right way.

"What do you think I am doing?" He observes me and again I ask myself what he sees when he looks at me. His thump draws lazy circles on my hip, heat spreading through my whole body. I pinch myself at my crossed forearms to snap out of it. Someone has to keep a cool head, or as cool as I can be with anger still within me.

"I think you are drunk and I should get Jules before you do something you will probably regret." I hate how I shiver as his thumbs now strokes the skin on my hip and stomach the tank top pushed up. His smirks widens.

"I think you like what I am doing to you and are just too stubborn and stiff to accept it." I scowl at him then, my eyes probably flashing with anger as well. He chuckles, a sound I have never heard before and it lets me stop in surprise for a moment. I don't know what is funny to earn this reaction and I think he chuckles at me, at my reaction and my inexperience to deal with situations like this.

"Eric, you should go and find someone else to put your attention on." My voice is clipped and I am happy that my hurt isn't showing. Now he scowls at me, his smirk gone as well as a part of his playfulness.

"There isn't anyone else." He is angry. With me or himself I don't know. I can just stare at his back as he joins his group of friends again. Jules looks in my direction questioningly and I can just shrug.

I brush down my top where his hand was moments before, staring at the people around me but not really seeing them. I don't know what to think of his actions, first gentle then daring. Maybe I shouldn't interpret too much into them – his inebriate state probably letting him do things he doesn't really want to do. I close my eyes, breath in deeply. It was an uncomfortable encounter, not because of his closeness but the confusion it left behind. I shut out everything about it and promise myself to not think about it for the rest of the evening. Shortly after I feel someone joining my side.

"Ready?" I nod and Uriah throws an arm around me. I let him and he leads me to a big group of Dauntless I have mostly never seen before.

"What's the Stiff doing here?" Someone shouts when we approach and my back goes rigid.

"Her name's Tris. She's cool. So if you don't want a problem with me you keep your mouth shut." I see Zeke stand up. I smile in his direction appreciatively and he throws me a grin back.

"Everyone ready?! Ok, let's go!" The group yells alongside him, cheering and laughing loudly. The noise fills me up and I feel a small part of the weight lift from my mind. Uriah squeezes my shoulder for a moment then we start to run, up some stairs, crossing over the glass floor I found at my first evening. I am reminded of my Choosing Day when we left the Hub, running together to the tracks and it feels great though the emotion is dimmed down.

I don't talk to anyone and just enjoy the energy of the people around me, absorbing it like a nearly dried-up sponge. I feel some of my fierce energy comes back to me and I laugh alongside some crude comments and not-serious insults.

We jump on the train. Securing one of my hands on the handle I let myself lean outside of the wagon for a while, feeling the cold wind against my cheeks, throwing my hair around my head. My eyes water but there is no burning behind them, so no emotional tears just a reaction to the airstream. Sometime later I lean back into the train, freezing but feeling alive. We jump off when a big building appears – the Hancock building. I try to imagine what it looked like before the war, lights on from the first floor to the 100th, filled with people, maybe working or living there. I think my picture is not even close to the reality.

We spill into the lobby and I find myself next to Lynn and Uriah.

"Where do we go from here?" I ask looking around the room. Some windows are broken and the shards are glistening in the moonlight.

"To the top of the building of course." I look at Lynn quizzically and she laughs probably knowing what I am thinking.

"My brother is turning on the generators at the moment." Uriah says with a grin of his own. I just nod and stay silent. Only a few minutes later we enter the elevator and someone presses the button for the 100th floor. I feel my stomach turn in anticipation and the feeling of being lifted without going anywhere yourself. When the doors open everything is dark around us. I see a ladder being brought to a hole in the roof and start to climb the steps when it is my turn.

The wind on the roof takes me slightly by surprise and I have to lean against it to not fall over. The view is breathtaking. I make my way a bit over to the roof, cautiously not standing too close. The city around us is silent and nearly completely dark. The only lights still on are at the Erudite headquarters. Erudite the Faction that thrives for knowledge. The Faction Eric comes from. Eric who took care of me, let me take his warmth and strength without making a fuss or complaining. How things change in just a few days. I don't know when I stopped to be bothered by my physical attraction for him or that I am curious about him. I accepted both not too long ago but if I had to name the time I wouldn't have the slightest clue. The only thing left is a bit frustration because I trust him on some level and an unknown warmth within me when I think about him. I shake my head, scowling at myself. I promised myself before we started our trip I wouldn't think of him and I won't.

A hand touches my shoulder and I turn around. Uriah nods into the opposite direction and I follow him to Zeke and another guy who help a girl into two slings at a steel line. I draw my eyebrows up and just observe, not quite understanding what will happen next.

"Have fun, love!" Zeke yells, counts down to one and pushes the girl over the edge of the building. I gasp for a second. I should have known that our activity today would be about bravery and taking unnecessary risks. I hear the girl laugh hysterically and I smile myself. We are Dauntless, so no risk is unnecessary I berate myself. We need it to breath and feel alive. And I love that about them and myself. I watch as two other persons are secured in the slings, pushed over the edge and disappeared into the darkness of the night.

"Trissy, your turn!" Zeke calls out, looking searchingly through the persons around us. I go up to him, my steps secure and punch him slightly in the arm.

"What was that for?" He laughs, rubbing his arm and I laugh too.

"I think Uriah already told you that I hate that nickname of his." I easily reply, shrugging my shoulders to appear even more nonchalant.

"But we love it because you look so adorable when riled up though you have a mean punch there, love." I blush a light shade of red and he ruffles my hair. I shove him lightly and feel myself relax. It seems because Uriah likes me, Zeke has adopted me as a friend as well. I don't complain.

He helps me into the slings, checking three times if I am safe and I feel a bit frightened when I look down. The emotion is gone just as quickly and I look back to Zeke. He grins broadly.

"Enjoy your ride, Trissy!" Uriah yells from behind me and I want to answer him with an insult but suddenly I am pushed forward, Zeke not counting down but shoving me over the edge. And then everything except flying vanishes from my mind.

The wind hurts in my eyes a bit but I don't care because this is freedom and open them even wider to not miss anything. I spread my arms, fighting against the strong wind, feeling it glide through my fingers and hair, pulling violently on my clothes. The city underneath me, the sky above me, I feel my fire return to me. The fire that helped me through Abnegation, bullying and now initiation. The fire that gives me my strength and my will. I feel like laughing and crying in relief. The dark buildings glide into and out of my slightly blurred vision and I hope I can stay here forever because at the moment I feel like the birds and clouds I envied. I feel perfect.

A slight disappointed fills me when I feel myself slow down, the ground beneath me now so much closer and then it just ends. I hang a few feet above the ground and I hear people cheering beneath me. I cheer alongside them, loosening the slings around me and then I am falling into their awaiting arms. The contact is slightly uncomfortable and the air is pressed out of my lungs but I ignore both and just let me be put down on the concrete. I feel the hard ground and I already want to go back up there, want to fly again and I think I will. Jumping into a net can't compare to this, nothing can.

Gratitude and happiness fills me. For Uriah and the people around me, for choosing Dauntless, for choosing freedom.

"How was it, Tris? Enjoyed it?" Lynn slings her arm around my waist and I mirror her not caring for the close contact. The light feeling suppressing my panic.

"When can I go up there again?" She laughs alongside me and a few join in.

"Who would have thought the Stiff has it in her?" Someone jokes and I let the mean nickname and his underestimation bounce off of me. Nothing can reach me at the moment.

"I never had my doubts." Lynn says protectively and I smile gratefully.

I always knew I belong in Dauntless, my main aptitude being Dauntless, too. But I had my doubts about the style of living, about the people and if I could bring myself to be as brave, fearless and daring as they are. Now I stand among them, am a part of them. I guess he is right, who would have thought indeed.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	22. Chapter 21

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_Thanks again for all the reviews. Because one of the guest asked this question: Maybe you have seen on my profile that I updated my "My work" section, stating now that there will be four more parts in "The Office Series". I am currently writing, but the progress is slow, so be a bit patient, please. I want to make this right._

_To this chapter: I am really not happy with it. If I could I would rewrite it, but because I am already so far ahead and changing it would be a lot of work I let it the way it is. Sorry, that the quality isn't up to standard. Hope you enjoy it anyway. AND: The "big" secret is revealed. I hope it feels right._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does. _

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><p><strong>Chapter 21<strong>

When I put down my breakfast in front of me I feel a pair of arms circling my waist and I smile. These arms will always be my safe place.

"Good morning!" I turn around in his arms and embrace him back, kissing his cheek for a second and then pulling away. I get a short glance at Eric who stands in the food line. He averts his eyes as soon as my eyes connect with his. I frown for a moment. Maybe he thinks about yesterday. I flush, feeling embarrassed but let it slide and sit down, starting to cut my bacon.

"Morning. Joining me for breakfast?" I ask, shoving the fork into my mouth and chewing carefully. Tobias sits next to me, an arm around my shoulders and smiling down at my puffed cheeks.

"Yep and inviting you to join me for dinner. I could get Zeke to take over an errant I otherwise would have to do tonight, so I am all yours after my shift in the control room ends at 5 pm." My face breaks into a broad smile.

"Will someone join us?" He slightly stiffens and shakes his head.

"I think it would be better if we had the evening to ourselves. You know, catching up, some much needed alone time." I nod, accept his reasoning and am happy to have him all to myself. Warmth fills me at the thought of sharing a meal with Tobias again, just the two of us.

"I heard what happened in your dorm the other night." Now it's my turn to stiffen. I roll my shoulders for a moment, loosening my muscles. I don't know what to say to him or what to say about the incident itself. I think because I already talked to Eric about it in detail I don't feel the need to talk to anyone else.

"Do you want or need to talk about it?" I shake my head, a small smile appearing on my face because he respects my own wishes first. Maybe it's his last part of the Abnegation upbringing that will stick with him for the rest of his life. That he will respect the wishes of others over his own needs or wishes. I know he is probably worried about me and I try to reassure him.

"No, thank you. I talked to Eric about it. He took care of me because I shut down after Edward was taken to the hospital. Now I just feel a bit shaken because something like that even happened. I think I will be alright soon." He nods, his face thoughtful, glancing to Eric who sits a few tables away to our left. It's strange to talk about Eric to someone especially to Tobias. It's just like a few days ago – I want to keep my thoughts about him and our interaction when we are alone a secret. I want to protect that part of me fiercely. Maybe I overreact – its Tobias and I can tell him everything.

"Eric? Your instructor?" He asks and I wonder if they both know each other. The thought never crossed my mind before but it would make sense. They both are twenty years old and probably were in the same initiation class together because both of them were transfers. An idea pops into my mind and I feel curiosity rising within me. Maybe I have the opportunity to ask him about Eric this evening.

"Yep. The doctor told him to take me out of the dorm because I had some sort of shock or something. So Eric helped me clean myself up and asked one of his friends if I could sleep in her flat for the night." Tobias nods, his forehead creased. I shove him slightly with my shoulder and he looks up, softening his features. I raise an eyebrow and he smiles.

"Nothing." I nod my ok and take a last gulp from my cup.

"I need to go now. Second stage will begin today and Amar said to be there at 8 am." I hug Tobias around his back and take my tray.

"Meet me in the Pit." I nod, smiling down at him and leave after discarding my tray.

* * *

><p>Everyone else is already in the training room when I enter. The last day I could evade their eyes but now they look at me and I don't know what to think of that. I don't feel comfortable when I am the center of attention so I try to find a spot slightly away from everyone else, hiding a bit in the shadows the punching bags throw. No one approaches me with questions and I am grateful. I don't know what I could tell them what they don't already know anyway. All of them were there when it happened. I don't want to think about my own reaction after Edward was brought away and what they might think about it. I hope they don't think I am weak – I can't stand anyone thinking that about me. Another thing why I was so angry with Christina. Of course she hasn't any direct influence on her subjective perception but she knows a few things about me and saw me fight. Her opinion should have changed after that. It's ridiculous that my fight with her is the only safe thought I have at the moment.<p>

Amar steps up then and I take a short look at the chalkboard behind him. Edward's name is gone along with Myra's. I flinch. Even though I knew right after the incident that he will leave eventually I thought that maybe there is another way he sees and I don't. But I was right. He is a Factionless now. I don't know if it is some kind of relief that Myra is with him. I hope for him that it is. Amar's voice interrupts my musings.

"Today starts the second stage of initiation. As we told you before this stage is about your emotional capability, how you deal with fear. We as Dauntless take facing your fears literally. That means that you will be injected with a serum Erudite made for our needs that will put you into a simulation. There you will face your fears. Most people have ten to twelve. The key is to overcome the fear or calm your breath and heartrate to a normal level otherwise you are stuck in there until the serum's effect stops." I gulp. My mouth and throat feel dry and I feel my hands shake. Fear. I think I have so many fears that I will never get out of the simulation ever again.

"Because there is no way to prepare yourself you will be practicing together with the Dauntless-born. They will meet us in front of your new training room. Follow me now." Amar leads us through different corridors. Some of them I can remember from my tour on Visiting Day. The training room for the simulation isn't too far away from our dorms. As we approach it we see the Dauntless-born initiates all in different states of calm. They are standing in groups together, leaning against the walls, occupying the chairs or sitting on the floor. When we reach them Amar speaks up again:

"I will call you in one after another. The rest of you has to wait here." Then he opens the metal door and disappears behind it. I take a look at the other initiates and before I can take a step forward, Uriah calls me. I smile in greeting at him, Lynn and Marlene all sitting comfortable on the floor.

"Hey there, Tris. Everything good so far? Still high on zip-lining?" Lynn pats the spot next to her and I let myself sink to the floor. I nod and smile at her, our shoulders bumping into one another as I lean against the wall next to her.

"We have to do it again and soon!" I exclaim with so much happiness it amazes even myself. Uriah and Lynn chuckle, Marlene going green in the face a bit.

"You really are something else, Tris. I don't think I can do this again." Marlene says, her voice slightly quivering.

"Oh, baby, next time we go together and you will enjoy it, promise." Uriah says cheerfully, earning an eye roll form Lynn and me and a grateful smile accompanying a nod from Marlene. We stay silent for a moment and the next time I speak up, my voice is solemn.

"Are you nervous yet?" I ask and start to bite my bottom lip.

"No, not really. You can't prepare yourself for it and what's there to prepare for. Either you are brave enough to face your fear or you are not." Uriah sounds calm and unconsciously plays with Marlene's hand. They are so in tune with one another that she doesn't even seem to notice their interaction but just plays along.

The first person to be called is Drew. I don't care about him. He is just one of Peter's lackeys. We stay silent for the most time, see initiates enter and leave again, all shaken up, pale and with circles under their eyes. I try to stay calm, not to think about the things I maybe have to face. It's interesting that there is a serum like that. I try to imagine what my worst fear could be and just one thing stands out. I hope I don't have to face it. When it is my turn to enter the room I take a few breaths, try to find a calm place in my mind that I can concentrate on. There are pictures of Tobias and I sort through them, smiling a bit. Suddenly I find another picture that hasn't anything to do with Tobias. It's of Eric embracing me not two days ago. I know I felt safe and comfortable but it is highly irritating that he would enter my mind now when I need to be calm.

* * *

><p>Amar leads me gently to a metal chair not unlike the one I had to sit on while I took my aptitude test. His smile is soft as he begins to speak.<p>

"I will inject the serum in your neck. It will take a few seconds to take effect so don't worry." He shows me the syringe and I shiver slightly. The needle is very long. But when he pushes away my hair and I feel the pain I don't flinch back.

"Remember to find a way to overcome your fear or to calm down enough for it to end. Try to understand what your fear means. It is mostly not the thing that is displayed but has another meaning." I nod, try to understand what Amar wants to tell me, but I feel dizziness rising within me. I close my eyes and breathe deeply.

When I open my eyes again I am hanging over the chasm. The cold water sprays against my calves and black tights and I shiver. The deafening sounds of the rushing water fill my entire being and I grit my teeth and just hang on for dear life. My fingers hurt badly and I know I won't be able to hold on for long. Above me appears a person. It's Christina. She holds out her hand.

"Take my hand, Tris! I can help you up." She sounds desperate and I ask myself if she forgot about our fight. I think for a moment to take the offered hand but something holds me back. I can't take her hand. My fingers are stuck at the railing. Every time I try to loosen my grip it is back just as strong as before. There is another cold wave at my backside and I curse under my breath. I look back up at Christina. I see fear in her eyes and the growing desperation but all I can think is to not take her hand because I will fall if I do. I can't trust her. A mixture of pain from the abuse of my limbs and fear of falling makes my heart beat fast. My breath is labored and ragged. Christina is still screaming at me to take her hand so she can help me. I feel my eyes burn and taste the foul taste of defeat on my tongue. I look up at her again, try to communicate with my eyes that I am sorry and let go hoping that my death won't be too painful.

I jerk out of the chair, my breath loud in my own ears, joined by the rushing of my blood. I let my head fall into my hands, try to chase away the images and calm my heartbeat down. I feel a reassuring hand on my shoulder but I brush it off. I don't need it at the moment. It's enough that I feel shaken without a touch I don't like or care about.

"Impressive, Tris." I scowl at Amar's comment and he seems to understand that it was the wrong time to say something like that. He smiles a gentle smile again.

"I mean your time. You were faster than all of the others. You did well." I avert my eyes and stand up, my knees a bit weak but I think I will manage.

"It doesn't feel good." My voice is blank and barely above a whisper. Amar nods.

"It never feels good to face your own fears. But you will get used to it one way or another. If you continue to be this fast I don't doubt you will make it into the third stage. Get some rest now." He leads me to the door. I nod goodbye and leave the room. I am happy that there aren't so many people left because I don't feel like keeping up my facade for too long. I wave to Uriah and Lynn keeping my face straight. Being the two best Dauntless-born they will have to face their fears as the last two. When I know I am alone, I sink to the floor, breathing ragged again, and chest hurting. I curl into myself, head between my knees, hands in my hair.

It takes an hour before I am ready to go again. I just shower, pull on some other clothes and leave for the Pit hoping that Tobias is there already.

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><p>Tobias is guiding me through the quarters of the dauntless members. My hand is safely tugged into his larger one and I can relax a bit. I am exhausted emotionally. To see Christina so out of character and my decision let me feel cold inside. I know what the fear really stands for but I am not ready to think of it in all details. I just accept it as something new I learned about myself. I more stumble then walk beside Tobias, my legs heavy, my mind a mile away. But he doesn't seem to mind too much that we are just slowly making progress to his apartment. Maybe he knows without asking that I am still trying to process my fear.<p>

When we stand before his door, Tobias begins to search for his key and I look down the corridor. There are 6 doors on each side, each painted a dark red, golden numbers indicating the apartment. The light doesn't flicker and the floor is even and covered with dark wood. I can easily picture myself living here and I think it is the first time I really can see myself as a Dauntless. Everything before now felt like some sort of dream – sometimes too good to be true, sometimes to real for a dream and sometimes too cruel to be a good one. But now I am standing next to the one person I can easily say I love without any doubt in my mind and the initiation will be over soon. At least I hope so. I am brought back from my musings when I see a man approaching us. I recognize him immediately as Eric. So Jules has to live here somewhere too. I remember that I just went a few doors down to her apartment.

When he nearly reaches us, I see his eyes are narrowed and I unconsciously try to pull my hand out of Tobias'. Tobias looks up when he feels my slight tug and throws me a gaze loaded with questions. My eyes wander back to Eric and Tobias looks up as well.

"Hey Eric." He greets nonchalantly. Eric stops then, his grey eyes darker again then normal and I see him clenching his jaw.

"Four. And the Stiff. How nice." His voice is icy cold and it feels like a slap in the face. I wasn't aware I expected him to act differently now, to be as effected about our close and intimidate encounters as I am. I feel like stepping back, hiding behind Tobias. But I won't show him that his insult and actions right now hurt me. Instead I school my features into a neutral mask and raise my chin in defiance.

"Don't call her that." Tobias growls back and I put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. Eric eyes flicker to my hand and back to Tobias, his eyes turning into a dark grey like storm clouds. I wouldn't be surprised to see lightning go off in them.

"Oh, is the Stiff standing up for his little Stiff girlfriend. Touching." His face twists into a cruel smirk I haven't seen for so long I nearly forgot about this side of him. I shiver slightly and avert my eyes to his feet. I don't want to see it anymore. It makes me feel cold, my chest painfully constricting. I tug at Tobias shirt to let him know I want to go inside but he doesn't seem to notice.

"I said, don't call her that." He takes a step forward into Eric's direction, teeth bared in an animalistic display of rage. I haven't seen this side of him before and I am shocked to find some resemblance to father. I shake my head. Tobias is nothing like him. He was always so thoughtful and calm. I try to grasp his hand but he just pulls away.

"And if I do?" Eric is taunting him and I ask myself if all the memories of him taking care of me or the other moments we shared where just some pictures my imagination produced. That in all my attraction and curiosity I didn't want to see or recognize that he has this side, too. Did I decide to ignore it? I shake my head. No, I know about this side, I just like him nevertheless because I believe that it is just a small part of who he is.

They stare at each other and I don't know why I don't step up for myself. Maybe I just don't have the energy at the moment. Or I know I don't stand a chance against Eric because he touches something inside of me that no one ever did. I discover in that moment that he is dangerous for me on a level I have no idea how to protect. If I want to protect it. I am shocked because of that realisation. I should have seen the signs before, how he can distract me, how I am nearly constantly thinking about him.

"You'll see." Tobias answers, his breath a bit faster than normal, fists clenched at his sides. I take a cautious step forward to prevent anything that could happen now. The atmosphere is full of unspoken words and testosterone.

"Four, please. Let's just go." My voice is so small I barely hear it myself and I hate myself for it. No Dauntless speaks like that.

"Is that a threat, Four? Trying to impress your weak little girlfriend?" My breath hitches and I feel my eyes burn while I pale. I look into Eric's eyes and see a flash of something I don't understand. There is pain. But as fast as it appears it is gone again and I don't know if it was just something I wished for. I just know that his words destroy something within me that I didn't know was there.

"She isn't my girlfriend, idiot. She is my sister and if I ever hear again that you call her weak, I will make sure you regret it. And yes that was a threat. Leader or not you will pay if you hurt her again." Eric pales and his whole posture changes. Before he can say another word, Tobias turns around and shoves me backwards through his now open door. I take a last look back at Eric, fists clenched at his side now as well and his eyes telling me that he is sorry. I can't breathe and Tobias closes his door.

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><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please.<em>


	23. Chapter 22

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_The feedback for the last chapters is amazing and I can't thank you enough for your kind words, compliments and suggestions. I hope you like this chapter because I don't really..._

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does. - Except the plottwist in this chapter._

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><p><strong>Chapter 22<strong>

I stand uncertainly in Tobias' room because my mind is still outside of his door where we left Eric. His behavior hurt. It hurt badly and it puts me off that he has this effect on me. That he can inflict pain with a few chosen words. I feel weak on a totally new level. But what confuses me even more was the regret in his eyes. What was that all about? I wish I could understand him better, understand his motives so I wouldn't find myself in this sort of situation again and again. I am tired of all the questions and thoughts about him.

Tobias puts his hands on my shoulders and my eyes focus on his face. He wears a frown and is silent for a few seconds longer.

"I am sorry, Tris. I don't know what his problem is." I smile gently, taking one of his hands into my own and squeeze it reassuringly.

"Don't worry. It isn't the first time nor the last that someone insults me and I am thankful that you stepped up for me. Though I am a bit angry with myself. I should have talked to him and step up for myself." Tobias chuckles lightly while I bite my lip close to lose myself in thoughts again.

"Your priorities are something else. Instead of feeling hurt or angry that someone insulted you, you think about not standing up for yourself... Come, let's eat and talk." He guides me to his couch where some sandwiches are placed next to bottles with water and bowls of fruits. We sit close together, enjoying each other's presence.

"So, how have you been the last two years?" I scoff at his bluntness and all around way to ask a question that isn't easy to answer no matter what past one has. I chuckle for a moment.

"Oh, you know the usual. School, getting beaten the crap out of me, tip-toeing around the house, volunteering." I keep my tone light but I see guilt flash in his eyes. I narrow my eyes at him.

"Tobias, stop. Don't go there. We have been through this and I don't want to hear it again." He smiles apologeticly.

"You have to understand how it makes me feel when you speak about it so casually. I don't know... I just think I should have done something, anything to get you out of there, to make sure you are safe..." He averts his eyes to the table, his fist clenching in his lap.

"And there we go again." I groan and fall back into the cushions of the couch, running a hand through my hair. I know he feels protective of me, he always does but I hope he gets it through his thick skull soon that there isn't anything he could have done. And more importantly that this is the past. We both left to have a future.

"Don't groan at me like that. I am your big brother and I am responsible for you..." I am happy to find his eyes on me again, his hands slightly relaxed, his shoulders not as tense. He is lightly chuckling at my response.

"And you made that clear when you took the beating for me. Just... can we talk about something else, please? I had to go through one of my fears... so just... let's speak about that if we have to and leave him behind already. We are both free now, he can't control or hurt us anymore. We shouldn't give him power by dwelling on the past." He looks at me for a whole minute, weighing me and when he speaks again I fear for the worst.

"When did you grow up... it feels like I just left you behind and now you are sitting in front of me and I can barely see my small sister with eyes full of mischief and wonder." I shove him slightly and his smile broadens.

"Shut it." I mutter and blush a bit. He kisses my cheek lightly and I know he wants to say thank you. Tobias leans back again and pops a grape into his mouth. Chewing slowly, his eyes filled with a mixture of concern and interest.

"Ok, so... Tell me about your fear if you want to." I begin to tell him what happened, how I couldn't grab Christina's hand and chose to let go. My eyes look anywhere but him, my hands expressing my worries, picking at the fruits on my plate or wringing in my lap. A shiver runs down my spine when I am finished.

"And what do you think your fear means?" He asks me and there is no playfulness in his voice anymore. I shrug.

"It's obvious, don't you think. I am afraid that my trust issue will lead to my certain death or at least to much pain. Christina is just one of the persons I shut out. It could have been Uriah or Lynn for that matter, though I think my sub consciousness chose her because she isn't really a friend. I wasn't really open with her, didn't let her in and she made some mistakes of her own." Tobias looks thoughtful for a moment and then nods.

"You are probably right, I think." I lean my head against his shoulder and he puts an arm around my back. We fall into a comfortable silence each of us lost in own thoughts. Mine go back to Eric, replaying the scene from the corridor. I am certain now that he acted impulsively, that he didn't plan on hurting me. Something drove him to say these awful things and I guess Tobias' reaction only made it worse.

I wish I would know what could make him react like that. I still feel a slight pain from his words but I am not angry. I know that sometimes my temper takes over as well and I say things that hurt and are not completely true. I try to keep myself in check and a person like Eric – at least the person I think he is – would have even more trouble to control his emotions. I think he is full of emotions contrary to everything he displays. Maybe he even tries to display his coldness so no one sees his emotions? I think they are violent, but not in the literal way violent. I think they are always filled with passion and he feels them more deeply. He passionately hates, protects and maybe even loves.

But why would he lash out at Tobias and me? Maybe a thing between the two of them? I sigh and close my eyes for a moment. I need more answers and maybe Tobias can help me with that.

"Tobias?" I ask softly and he 'hm's in a sign that he is listening. I stay silent for a second, trying to decide whether I want to risk it or to keep quiet.

"About Eric... he knows you are from Abnegation. Do you know each other?" He stiffens beside me a bit and for a moment I think he won't answer me. Then he sighs and starts to talk.

"We were sort of rivals back in initiation. I was in first place, he was second. It sometimes got violent between the two of us, but we mostly ignored each other. In the end we came to a sort of truce. But I think it was only possible because we chose different jobs and don't see each other anymore. I guess after initiation we just went down different paths – he becoming a leader and I totally happy with working in the control room and taking up some guard jobs now and then. We don't interact much, but are friendly enough. Don't fight on any given occasion anymore." Well, it would explain a few things, I guess.

"Why do you ask?" Tobias looks at me and I avert my eyes. First mistake. He probably knows now that I am up to something.

"Oh, you know. He is my instructor, so I am curious naturally. And your show of how manly you both are wasn't exactly self-explanatory." The explanation sounds foul even to my own ears, my voice slightly higher and even the mocking quip at the end doesn't cover it up. Second mistake. Tobias seems to catch on as well because he throws me his no-nonsense glance.

"Tris..." He starts, eyebrow raised.

"Four..." I counter and he flinches.

"Please, don't call me that when we are alone." He looks hurt for a moment and I take the hand that isn't thrown over my shoulder.

"Why? I thought you chose that name..."

"Actually it was Amar who suggested it." His voice is clipped and I try to find a way to boost his mood a bit.

"Oh, ok. What does it mean by the way? It's a bit strange, don't you think... as if the numbers one to three were already taken." He pokes me in the ribs and I chuckle, feeling lighthearted. But Tobias' smile vanishes too soon and I feel there is something else he isn't telling me.

"What is it?" I ask carefully, touching his left forearm with a gentle hand. He stays silent for a few more seconds.

"You will find out eventually, so just be patient." I nod, not pressing him anymore.

"So, why did you ask about Eric again?" He looks at me curiously and I sigh.

"As I said, I was just interested in him because he is my instructor..." Not a too big lie. I wanted to know him before I even realised I had these feelings for him.

"You know there was a time when you told me everything." We watch each other out of the corner of our eyes. Then I shove him slightly and scowl half-heartedly.

"Don't pull the remorse card on me." I cross my arms in a huff. He chuckles and pokes me into the ribs again, making me jump in surprise.

"Then don't try to change the subject. You know you can tell me everything and I won't judge you." I bite my lip and try to think of a good explanation. I want to keep everything about Eric to myself but I have no way of getting out of this. I want to be honest with Tobias because he is right.

I could always tell him how I feel or what I think and he would never judge me. He always tried to see it through my eyes even though it was difficult sometimes because my own perception is twisted often enough. But what is there really to tell. I am not too keen to tell him that I feel a physical attraction for a man his own age and that once was a red flag for him. An attraction that doesn't seem to go away even though there are many physical attractive men around me all the time and they aren't cold and hot at the same time. In all honesty it has deepened considerably in the last two days, spreading to him as a person. Maybe it's only logical because he showed me a side of him I suppose only a few people know about. I really should find someone else. Someone not so complicated and who doesn't just insult me in front of my brother. I don't see that happening, though.

Tobias takes one of my hands into his own, interwining our fingers and stopping my thoughts effectively. His hand is so much bigger than mine and more calloused. I guess mine will be too sometime in the future. And he feels safe against my skin. Warm and gentle and familiar.

"Don't be afraid of me." His voice is a whisper against my hair and I cringe. Leave it up to him to think I would be afraid of him and not the consequences if I say some things out loud.

"I am certainly not, Tobias. Maybe I am afraid of your reaction but never of you, ok?" He nods and I continue, "I just don't know how I can explain it to you when I don't understand it myself half the time. It's all just a big mess, I think." He seems to relax again, nodding to let me know he understands what I mean.

"Try me. Just tell me about it and we can try to put it into a good explanation together." I smile at him and I know my eyes shine with gratitude. I take a deep breath and brace myself.

"So, at first I was just curious, you know. Why is he so cold and distant all the time? And why so cruel sometimes though I have to say in his defence that he was really nice to me, too... I mean I couldn't find any perverted pleasure in his eyes...and he didn't seem to enjoy..."

"Tris, you are rambling. So you were curious. That's normal. Eric is ... a person that easily catches the eye." He smiles at me, encouraging me to go on. I feel nervous energy bubble in my stomach so I stand up and pace in front of him, a hand going through my hair. I chuckle as I recall Tobias' last sentence.

"Well, he definitely caught my eye. I mean..." I blush a deep red and laugh again lightly, "I mean I find him very... attractive... his body and... and his face...and he is quite handsome and muscular. And really tall. Good looking, you know. And then I started to like him... as a person, I think. I don't know exactly when that started and I can't stop to think about him. So I thought I would go around and ask a few people – maybe find something out that would dim my curiosity, but I don't think that that matters anymore or could change the way I feel – even though I am confused of what I feel for him...to put a name to it." I frown at my own display, my thoughts jumbling around in my head but it isn't the first thing I realize and I don't think about it too long. There is something more pressing: To say these words out loud makes the whole situation even more real for me. I am surprised to discover that I am not ashamed of my attraction or my curiosity, at least not in the way I thought I would be. And it feels freeing to openly admit to them. My eyes flicker to my brother for a moment and I hope Tobias keeps an open mind.

He pulls me down to sit next to him. My eyes are fixed on the old and run down carpet in front of his couch, my neck and cheeks hot. A gentle hand raises my head but I don't want to look into Tobias' eyes and find disappointment. And he should be disappointed because I just gushed about a man that called me weak and was cruel to me not two hours ago. But then again not two days ago he made me whole again. Maybe I am masochistic or something.

"Could you please look at me?" His voice is calm. I bite my lip, my hands in fists so they won't tremble anymore. I take a deep breath and look him in the eyes.

"Do you have a crush on him?" His question takes me completely by surprise. I never even thought about that possibility. That I could feel about Eric this way because I am falling in love with him. It frightens me. And I really don't want to think about it but Tobias asked me and no matter what I will be honest with himself and finally with me, too.

"No! I mean, I don't know. I don't think so. To have a crush on someone you have to know the person and the person shouldn't insult you and... And I don't know anything about him and just met him two weeks ago. I don't even know what a crush feels like... I mean...I don't know." But it might be possible, I think. Maybe Tobias is right? Living in Abnegation I wasn't confronted with things like that, so I wouldn't be surprised if the emotions I feel are called a crush.

"So, you don't know?" I shove him slightly and he chuckles again. It calms me down. He doesn't think I am stupid or have completely lost my mind.

"Hm..." Tobias is silent for a while and I feel my face slowly cool down. He lets his hands sink.

"I think you are smitten." I scoff at him, my cheeks aflame again. He chuckles softly and I am just grateful that he is such an understanding person, such a loving brother. He brushes a few strands away from my face, his eyes glinting with nothing but affection.

"And to make it easier for you: I think to have a crush on someone there has to be attraction and not necessarily you need to know a lot about them. You first like the idea of the person. If you still like the person with all the flaws, mistakes and ugly sides you love. To love means to know and accept nevertheless – with everything the person is. You know what I try to say?" I nod, not able to utter a word.

"And as far as I can see, there definitely is attraction on your part with all the running around and blushing like mad thing you did right now. That said I don't have to be happy about your taste. It is quite disturbing but it's none of my business." I scowl at him and he chuckles lightly. But only for a second because I still try to wrap my mind around this revelation I was too blind to see myself. I feel an echo of Tobias' awareness of my feelings inside of me, the thought calming and the confusion lifting a bit.

"I think you are right." I whisper, the confession making me feel lighter but sad at the same time. He smiles a reassuring smile and it lets me accept this fact about myself as well. I have a crush on Eric. We both stay silent for a while and I try to comprehend everything that goes on in me, in Tobias and everything else that entails. I feel uncomfortable about this new revelation about myself. I am not where I want to be, who I want to be and these feelings are foreign and frightening and maybe distract me too much. I speak up again.

"I won't pursue it, though. I don't think it would be good. I just need to get over it." Tobias shakes his head at me.

"Of course it is your decision, but I would advise to not decide too quickly." I want to say that I don't want his understanding side now but the one that tells me he thinks it is a good idea.

"Tris, don't expect me to make the decision for you. Remember the fear you encountered today. I think you shouldn't keep yourself distant from everyone but me. Let some people in and maybe let Eric in if it feels like the right thing to do. I may not like him but maybe you are good for one another. Nobody can say and if you don't try there will be only regret. So, try to let them in. You don't have to stay strong and aloof with everyone." I stay quiet, too shocked to really say anything. We lean back against the back of his couch, my legs folded under me, my head against his shoulder. I try to process his words but think I will need at least a few more days. Maybe even weeks. I just don't know.

"You know even though I can talk about everything with you it is strange to talk to you about this." I mumble quietly and I feel the vibration of his chuckle on my cheek. The atmosphere around us is lighter again, more comfortable and not loaded with confessions and feelings too complicated to understand. I smile when he answers, trying to sound as shaken as possible. But I know it is an act for the most part.

"Tell me everything about it. My sister having a crush on a former fellow initiate isn't easy to take in as well. Or that he just insulted you and treated you like dirt." Tobias' jaw clenches and I squeeze his hand.

"I know. But I think he didn't do it on purpose. I wish I could understand it myself. Understand him really. But what is more important is if you are seriously ok. That you are not mad at me." I feel a bit nervous because I am afraid of his answer. Until now he reacted like the rational and good person I know he is.

"Mad? No. I couldn't be even if I tried to. It's not like it is something you can actively decide. You just fall for someone you fall for even if it is wrong."

"Do you think it is wrong for me...?"

"To have a crush on Eric? No, not wrong, but difficult. He is difficult and you are still only 16..." I shove him "yeah, almost 17 but because you grew up in Abnegation you never went through the same process every teenager goes through... you know, first love, kiss and so on." I think about that for a moment and I think he is right. Or at least slightly right. I think a small part of my attraction for Eric roots in the fact that I grew up without these experiences and as I thought before he just caught my attention. But it is so much more than that now.

"I get the impression you are talking from own experiences here." He blushes slightly and my eyes widen.

"Aha! Who is it?" I am glad about the change in our conversation and happily use it to lighten the mood.

"You will meet her soon, promised." He looks thoughtful, his dark blue eyes fixed on the front door. I am not sure what to think about his reaction. Isn't he sure about her reaction to me or my reaction to her?

"Oh, so you are ... together? Serious relationship and all?" My tone is still light, though my spirits are slightly damped from his reaction.

"You could say that." He chews his lip slightly and I get the feeling that something is seriously wrong.

"Are you happy?" His face lights up and he doesn't need to answer.

"I am happy for you then." He kisses my cheek. I feel blessed to have such a brother.

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><p>Three days after my evening with Tobias I still haven't figured out what to make of his – and then my – discovery. It's hard to wrap your mind around something you never experienced before. Sometimes I am not able to suppress the happy bubbles in my stomachs and then I can't stop to feel sad and nervous. I haven't seen Eric since his argument with Tobias and I don't like it. I would have liked to confront myself with him, to try to really recognise my feelings for him but so far I couldn't. I thought about taking Jules up on her offer but I don't really know her or her relationship with Eric. And I am not sure yet if I can trust her. Sure, she helped Eric take care of me after the incident with Edward but it doesn't say anything about her except that she helped a friend – that friend being Eric.<p>

Other than that I was occupied with walking through my fears. The first experience was the most brutal one. It wasn't my biggest fear, I know that deep in me, but facing a fear for the first time is always brutal. Now I know what to expect though it doesn't help much. After every new fear I try to come up with ways to overcome it. Its hard work and it doesn't come easy for me. Stage one was so much simpler. I knew what to do to get better: I had to push my body to its limits and then some more and I came out the victor. But I was never a person in tune with my emotions. There weren't many I experienced in Abnegation other than pain, fear, annoyance. And maybe that is also the reason why I was blind to the growing intensity of my feelings for Eric, tried to cloak them into curiosity and dampening them to physical attraction. I think to get emotionally stable you have to be comfortable with every emotion you feel. But I am not and I am not sure if I ever will be.

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><p>Uriah sits next to me, seemingly deep in thought, Marlene's head on his shoulder. There is still silence between Christina and me. Because of that I haven't talked to Will and Al as well. I don't want to intrude on their respectable relationships but I know Al feels sad about my absence. And maybe a bit angry, too. The only thing I hope is now clear to him is that I don't have any romantical feelings for him. They seem to be reserved for a certain Dauntless Leader at the moment. I sigh.<p>

Three Dauntless appear suddenly in the corridor we sit in, faces serious and taking big steps to the room Drew and Amar disappeared in. The door is thrown open and a few seconds later I hear shouting. Not much time passes and the three man come out again, Drew's sagged form between them, shoulders slumped forward, hands tied back. We all observe them until they turn around a corner and are gone. I look to Uriah, his face crunched up in confusion. Marlene and Lynn spotting similar expressions.

Amar suddenly comes out, his face grim, arms crossed. When he speaks his voice is cold and distant and filled with suppressed rage.

"Everyone, meet me in the training room after supper. Dismissed." He turns around without another word, pushing the door closed forcefully. We just stare at the door in different stages of confusion. I stand up a minute or so later, holding my hand out to help Lynn up. We make our way down to the cafeteria. Supper will be in one hour but with nowhere else to go it seems like the logical decision.

Uriah and Marlene walk in front of us and I roll my eyes. They should just kiss and be over with. Lynn shares my feelings about it. When we reach the cafeteria we see Zeke and Four sit at a table together, seemingly sharing jokes because both of them laugh out loud. We decide to join them and maybe get a good laugh as well to chase away the confusion and dark, foreboding feeling.

I hug Tobias from behind and kiss him on the cheek before sitting down next to him, Lynn on his other side and Uriah and Marlene opposite of us next to Zeke. Zeke spots raised eyebrows and a confused frown, his eyes flickering between the two of us. I chuckle and elbow Tobias, nodding towards his friend. He smiles as well and clears his throat.

"Idiot, this is my sister, Tris. Tris, this is the idiot I call my best friend." I laugh and watch Zeke's face fall into a surprised grimace.

"We already had the pleasure. He shoved me from a 100 floor building." Tobias looks incredulous for a moment but before he can say something I add, "Under the pretense to help me get speed for the zip lining track."

"I get the feeling, love, you want to see me killed." Zeke throws in, eyes glinting with humor and I scowl at him.

"Don't call me that. I have a name." Tobias throws his arm around my shoulder, chest puffed out with pride. I childishly stick my tongue out and Zeke starts to laugh.

"I can see the resemblance now." Zeke says lightheartedly. "So, what brings you four to us at this time of the day? Haven't you fears to face or something like that?"

"We would if it weren't for three Dauntless violently taking an initiate out of the room Amar admitters the fear serum in." Uriah says casually.

"Why would they arrest an initiate?" Tobias asks next to me and Marlene shrugs.

"And the wrong one at that." I add quietly. We are silent for a minute or two and Lynn speaks up.

"Anyway, Amar told us to meet in the training room after supper and now we have spare time on our hands. So, please entertain us, will you?" Before Tobias or Zeke can respond someone clears his throat behind us.

"Four? I would like to have a word with you in my office." I look over Tobias' shoulder and find one of the Leaders. He was the one to give us the Welcome to Dauntless speech.

"Sure. Sorry guys but I am sure Zeke has enough stories to entertain you with." He ruffles my hair affectionately and receives a scowl in return. Waving to the rest of the table he disappears with the Leader. I am curious what it is about. I just have to ask him later.

Zeke tells us a lot small anecdotes from back in his days as an initiate. Some make me laugh, some make me think. Apparently Tobias was just as detached as I was. My fellow initiates seem to make the connection as well but I just shrug it off. They will connect it to our Abnegation upbringing and it wouldn't be totally wrong.

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><p>Amar paces in front of us in the training room and I have never seen him this agitated before. Of course he wasn't as cold as Eric and not as unyielding, but he never showed this many emotions before. He is agitated and everyone with two eyes could see it.<p>

Eric is here as well and I can't stop my eyes from watching him every few seconds. His arms are crossed and he leans back against a steel beam, his legs crossed at his ankles. He doesn't look in my direction. Of course he wouldn't. I am sad about it because I miss his eyes. I frown slightly and look back to Amar. It won't help anyone if I run after him. If he wants to talk about the fight between my brother and himself he will, I suppose.

"Today, while I admistered the fear serum to Drew, a fellow initiate, I made a discovery that forced me to break my oath as an instructor to keep silent about the fears I see." Amar pauses for a moment, seemingly to compose himself, hands clenched hard around his crossed forearms, knuckles white.

"What I saw in Drew's simulation was the worst crime possible and after I talked with the Leaders I can now tell you what it was about. I saw how Drew attacked an initiate you knew as Edward." A shocked silence follows. I try to wrap my mind around it but fail and speak up because it just seems so unreal. Drew the lackey coming up with a plan filled to the brim with malice.

"But I thought..." I look to Peter and his eyes narrow.

"You thought what, Stiff? That I did it?" I answer his glare with one of my own and nod. Peter doesn't answer as I expected him to and it lets the picture of him crumble slightly.

"I may be ambitious and an asshole, but I am not sick. And I am no coward." Peter says and I swallow slightly. Maybe I have to overthink my first impressions. He is cruel and arrogant and often enough I wanted to punch him but maybe I was biased because of that.

"I am sorry." I answer levelly and he seems to be surprised. He nods once in my direction and then the moment is over. Amar clears his throat waiting for more comments and questions to come but there are none so he continues.

"Drew was taken into custody to be taken to Candor for further investigation and to question him under the truth serum." I see the former Candor transfers shudder and I think I can understand their reaction slightly. As far as I know the serum doesn't give you the opportunity to remain silent about a truth you don't want to tell but forces you to spill it. Quite disturbing.

"What will happen afterwards?" It's Will asking the question and Amar shrugs his shoulders.

"No one can tell, really. I suspect exclusion from the Factions though." I am not sure if that is enough but then I think about Edward, his talent to fight and a small smile appears on my face. It will be enough.

"We will continue your practice tomorrow. The intermediate results will be posted tomorrow as well. For now you have the evening off. Prepare yourself." With that we are dismissed and as everyone leaves I stay behind to work out a bit as always.

* * *

><p>I don't stay alone for long. Eric joins me and I am amazed that we get so many moments alone. I fear and yearn them. He a Leader and I an initiate, one would think there were other things to do than meeting again and again, always alone. The last time we were really alone we exchanged gentle touches, soft words and possible even emotions none of us realise were there. The scent of him is back in my nose and where it relaxed me after everything with Edward it now lets the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I am not afraid, but I feel the electricity, the loaded air between us. I can't really breathe and I feel nervous. Nervous enough to throw my punch the wrong way and hiss softly when pain goes through my wrist. I feel his gaze on the side of my neck, on my face and I try not to blush.<p>

"I am sorry for insulting you." He says it so casually I am at first confused if he really just apologized to me. I look at him then, standing not too close, hands in his pockets.

"It's ok. I accepted that I appear weak to most people a while ago." I shrug it off easily or at least try to. It's only half a lie. I didn't accept it, I just have to take it. I can't stand it, I hate it really but most people's opinion don't matter. He isn't most people and his view is more important than he or I think. But he doesn't need to know that.

"I don't percept you as weak. Quite the contrary." I avert my eyes from him to anything else so he doesn't see my widened eyes or my shocked expression as a whole. What's going on here? It doesn't seem real at all. I find my voice again and try to tell him that I can't believe him.

"You said..." He interrupts me, impatience clouding his voice that wasn't there before. I press my lips together, his dominant streak making me angry and hot at the same time.

"I said that I want you to remember our positions and don't act like a spoiled child. I never said you were weak. Well, except for that one time." My mind is numb.

"And as I said, I didn't mean it. It was just... a handy thing to say because I know that it hurts you. And I wanted you to feel hurt." His voice is calm and deep as if he wasn't just admitting he wanted to hurt me. His bluntness and nonchalance make me shiver a bit. What is it with Dauntless around me acting like they all are Candor?

"Why?" I hear myself through the rushing of my blood. I feel a bit angry and hurt all over again.

"Because you hurt me. Unconsciously but you hurt me." It seems like it pains him to be this honest and I can respect that. I can respect his afford. What I don't understand is what he means. I scoff.

"How could I ever hurt you? Nothing gets close to you." I hear my own bitterness then. The same bitterness I heard when talking to Christina. It taste foul in my mouth and I control myself not to gag at it.

"Yeah, I thought that too at one point." He sounds tired, wary and self-ironic. As if he isn't sure that he speaks these words out loud and fears something. I feel there is something else as well but I am not sure. Why should he sound amused at his own statement? But all of that can't be true. He isn't afraid of anything and not amused by his own words. Nothing could ever reach him. He speaks again and I concentrate on him.

"And then there was a Stiff jumping off a ledge, taking punches, dealing them and winning in the end." I know he speaks but I can't comprehend his words. He comes closer now, but I back away a few steps. If it is true what he is implying I am in trouble.

"Don't..." My voice is weak and I frown. But he stops and I am grateful. Before he can talk again or starts to approach me I turn around. I hate myself for running away but I can't stay. Not with the things running through my mind, not with the fear that he could possibly reciprocate my feelings.

* * *

><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please. <em>

_Note: longest chapter I published in this story. So have a sneak peak to celebrate - it will be much later, when fluff feels right:_

_"So you were head over heals in love with me after ten days?" I hear the humor in his voice and I squeeze his hand._

_"Pssh, dream on, sunnyboy." We look at each other, our eyes meeting for just a second but it is enough for him to get my message: _Yes, I was_. He smiles and squeezes my hand back._


	24. Chapter 23

_Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle._

_**Warning**: This chapter isn't really grafic, but I want to warn anyone to continue reading it if he or she is easily triggered by abuse or reading about depressing moments._

_Thank you for the many follows/favorits this story gets and I look forward to read what you think. _

_Also: I have posted the newest installment in "The Office Series". If you like SMUT with a story, feel free to search for it on my profile. There is an updated version of my current work as well._

_Sorry for the long note. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 23<strong>

Amar calls my name and I enter the room. I am not as nervous anymore but the metal chair and the syringe still let me shiver. After sitting down I take a deep breath, Amar injecting the serum. My eyes are already closed and I wait for the simulation to begin.

When I open my eyes my windpipes seem to close off. I grasp my throat only to find hands clasp around it in a vise like grip. I look up and find my father looking down to me, his eyes hold fury. I hear my blood rush in my ears, my heart pounding hard against my chest. I feel a different dizziness then the one from the fear serum take over and I think he will choke me to death finally. My hands loosen around his wrists and my vision goes black as my mind goes blank. I float for a moment only to feel a sharp pain at the side of my head a second later. I lay on the floor of my bedroom now, my head pounding, Marcus standing over me, belt already in hand. He doesn't have to say that I should turn around and bare my back. I feel helpless and I am filled to the brim with fear.

I still remember Amar's words from my first session: Calm down or overcome your fear otherwise you are stuck in the simulation until the serum runs out. I don't know how I could ever overcome Marcus and I won't be able to calm myself down enough for the simulation to end. My chest burns as do my eyes but I won't cry. I never cried and I won't even give the Marcus from my simulation the satisfaction to cry.

I stumble to my feet, hands braced against my desk after I pulled my shirt up. I never saw it but I guess my back has criss-cross scars all over it; like a landscape of torture and abuse that is covered now with something I chose by myself. Something beautiful that can hide the ugliness of a father's hate.

When his belt hits me I am prepared. It hurts. It really does. He uses the side with the buckle and the metal is even worse than the simple leather strip. I don't scream, I don't cry, I just let him hit me again and again. I will take it just like Tobias did. I will be as strong as he is. He could live through this and so can I.

I lost count after the 10th hit against my back, the fingers of my left hand searching for the quote Tobias left me. I don't find it. It isn't there. I feel a warm liquid run down my back but I don't concentrate on it. I try to find the quote. It has to be there. It just has to. But I don't feel it and I think this isn't real. Tobias hadn't left me a quote to remind me that he will wait for me and that I have to be strong and that I can be strong because this isn't real. It's all just in my head.

A second later I find myself in the room with Amar again and I am perplexed. I don't think I was calm enough for the simulation to end so soon and I definitely didn't overcome my fear. I was a coward through and through because I let him hit me again. Just like the past years. I let one hand casually glide down my back and feel my neck but there is nothing out of the ordinary. When I push myself out of the chair I feel a hand at my elbow and flinch. Amar lets go immediately but I don't see why because I can't look at him. Maybe he just understood why I flinch when someone touches me. Or maybe he realises that he overstepped some imaginary line I drew for everyone.

"You too." He doesn't ask and I know he speaks about Tobias. I nod, my eyes trained at the door. He sighs.

"I have to report it." He sounds tired, shocked even at the things my fear told him. Fear fills me all over again. Though it isn't numbing and paralyzing like the fear induced by the serum. It's a fear that burns and lets me react harshly.

"Don't. Don't tell a soul. Not Eric or the other Leaders, not anyone. This falls under your oath as an instructor." My voice is fierce and hard but all I can feel is defeat and shame. I look at Amar and see he is struggling with a decision. I don't know if there is a protocol in Dauntless for this kind of situation. Amar sighs and nods reluctantly.

"Thank you." I square my shoulders and wait for him to let me leave.

"You can go now. And Tris... I know it doesn't help you but I want to say I am really sorry." I nod again and leave the room.

* * *

><p>My legs carry me back to the roof I hid on Visiting Day. If I encounter people on my way I didn't realise it. My conscious is buried under thoughts and memories again. Maybe that's the reason I go to the place a second time. I could breathe again when the fear and pure terror that maybe my father would come nearly made me frantic with panic when I saw the clouds above me.<p>

Now I don't feel panic but I am disgusted with myself. How could I let him abuse me again even if it was just inside of my head? My mind is seriously twisted. I know I am afraid of him and that's natural after everything he put me through, but to let that fear control me. I have the strong urge to pull my hair out at my own cowardice. I want to hurt myself. Maybe I should have gone to the training room instead.

But I don't turn around, following dark hallways that are like a maze. I wish I could get lost. Just leave every conscious thought behind and just exist. No feelings, no fears, no hopes that can be disappointed. I violently bite the inside of my cheeks until I taste the blood in my mouth. But it just isn't enough. I go faster, break into a run, not seeing where I am going but finding my way anyway.

When I push open the metal doors wind blows away the strands that fall into my face. My eyes are wide open, taking in the beauty of the clouds above me. I try to find calmness, lose myself in their movement and colors. But my mind stays heavy and my self-disgust stays as well. I bore my nails into my upper arms, pull them down along the skin but the slight pain it leaves isn't enough. My breath is ragged. I hear someone scream and realise it is me. The sound is hysteric and full of pain.

I let myself sink against the wall behind me, the nervous, destructive energy gone now with that scream. I feel empty and it satisfies me – but it is not enough. I let my head fall back against the wall, shutting my eyes and press my hands desperately against my thighs. My heart beats fast and maybe it will just collapse. I pry my eyes open and look at the sky. But it's not enough and I need to occupy my sight with anything. I let them travel over the roof, over the cement and pebbles and I wish I hadn't opened them. Then I wouldn't have to see someone looking at me in surprise and concern.

"Everything alright now?" I shake my head, my teeth gritted painfully.

"Do you need anything, Tris? Can I do... anything to help you?"

"Well you could kill me and let it look like an accident so you don't get into trouble with my brother." Jules chuckles but when she looks at me she is serious again. She sits next to me, not too close and that's good. I can't stand anyone touching me or brushing against me at the moment, not even accidently.

"I think Eric would have my head even before your brother realises that you are dead." I don't want to think about him now, so I tell my head that we overheard that comment. I stay silent, eyes again on the clouds.

"What happened?" She asks and I don't feel like coming up with a lame excuse. Maybe the truth will help.

"Fear serum." Jules nods, her eyes full of worry but I see no pity.

"I feel like a fucking coward. I am stronger now and still I couldn't do anything. I was third in stage one and I didn't even tried to do something. I was a fucking coward. I am one. Shit." I try to stay vague in my angry explanation and don't even feel ashamed for all the swearing. Jules doesn't seem to care anyway. I scrap my nails against my scalp to get any relief from the things I feel.

"You know, when I was an initiate I had a lot of trouble with the fear serum. My times were really bad. So bad I nearly got cut." I never thought it before but to me Jules doesn't seem to be the kind of person to be afraid of anything spectacular. She meets my slightly narrowed eyes and laughs without humor.

"I know. What can a former Erudite dependent possibly be afraid of?" I feel guilty for my thoughtlessness. I should know that we all try to hide some things and Jules seems to be really good at it, her face totally different now as if she just put down a mask.

"My best friend in Erudite was a girl two years older than me. We were neighbors, our families meeting often enough to discuss the new findings of their chosen subjects of expertise above a shared meal. Lisa and I hit it off easily, were close friends from a young age. She dreamed about going to Amity, loving the smell of rain and seeing things grow. I guess that love stems from her mother who was a cherished biologist. She was a very peaceful girl, very considerate but sometimes just as wild as I was." Jules stares ahead when I take a look at her. Her eyes seem far away and full of warmth of the memories probably replaying in front of her eyes.

"What happened to Lisa?" I ask calmly. Jules looks down on her hands then, sorrow making her shoulders slump forward a bit.

"She had an illness no one found a cure to. She died everyday a bit more for a year." I swallow thickly. I think Lisa was in some way to Jules what Tobias is to me. But I don't know for sure and it doesn't really matter. Her pain is palpable and that's all I need to know.

"When I had to face my fears it was a shock to see her again in one of them. I needed a few hours, days even to realize what it stood for. My fear of being paralyzed. I couldn't bring myself to go to her funeral because I was filled to the brim with sorrow. My fear of being too absorbed in my own pain to the point I can't move anymore and maybe miss an opportunity, that I can't be brave when I need to." I try to grasp everything she tells me but I don't succeed. I guess to really understand it, you have to feel or at least see it yourself. I have a slight idea and that's enough. Before she continues she takes a deep breath, a bit shakily.

"What I try to say, Tris, is that you aren't a coward for being immobilized in your fears. They concentrate your emotion so much into one point with that serum that it isn't representable for you here and now. I saw you jump down from the roof again because you just wanted to. No one who is a coward would confront oneself with that again. Whatever you saw, however you reacted, it isn't like you would react now. Your mind is put into a scene and with that into old emotions and old circumstances. I am convinced that you would react differently now and I would too." Jules doesn't speak up after that again. She stays silent and I concentrate on the things she said, try to feel them and maybe come to the same conclusion. At least she succeeded in making me aware of other things then my fear, gave me a distraction I desperately needed and for that I am deeply grateful.

We stay silent together, two persons that barely know each other but have seen parts no one saw before. And while I think her words over I find something new inside of me as well. A hope. A hope to be able to stand up to the demons of my past and maybe I am even strong enough to not let them control me in the here and now. Like I told Tobias just a few days ago: We shouldn't let our past control our future. I am slightly startled when Jules extends a hand in my direction. I take it without a second thought and stand next to her.

"Let's grab something to eat. I am quite hungry after that emotional rollercoaster." She grins carefree again and I join her.

"Well, I am glad for it." I say shyly. She looks surprised for a moment but nods.

"Yeah, me too."

* * *

><p>The cafeteria is chaos and I absorb it. Like all the other times Dauntless and its members let me feel alive myself. I wave to Uriah, Marlene and Lynn. They smile but don't approach me to join them. I get into line next to Jules who makes little quips about the different dishes and I find myself laughing softly. I follow her to a table after grabbing some fruits, a slice of lasagne and a bottle of water.<p>

"Guys, this is Tris. Tris, these are Leo and Marten." I nod into their direction and they look at me with appreciating glances.

"Hey there beaut-" Leo begins to say but stops himself when he looks to something or someone behind me. I turn around and am face to chest with Eric. I step back a bit, trying to suppress a blush at the close proximity to him I find myself in. That he could approach me without me noticing is quite fascinating because I am always so aware of him. But thinking about everything that happened today I shouldn't be surprised; my mind already occupied with so many other things.

"Nice to meet you, Tris." Marten says, brings me out of my short stupor and I smile in his direction before sitting down next to Jules. I feel a hand brush against my back and shiver slightly.

"Jules. Stiff. Idiots." Eric sits down on my right side, our thighs brushing against each other and I don't mind the contact, his leg warm and steady next to mine. I concentrate on my plate and eat slowly, letting the people around me do the talk. Their light banter reminds me of Uriah and the others and I feel comfortable enough.

I am not sure how to feel about Eric's casual greeting. Maybe I thought he would act differently now after what happened in the training room. His confession seemed honest and I wouldn't be surprised feeling the pressure of the things being said on my mind long after I run away. But he seems normal or as normal as he is and maybe I overreacted and it doesn't affect him as much as I thought. This whole guessing is annoying.

"Did you notice that Four is strangely absent?" I look up, my musings vanishing, interest picked.

"Mart." Eric says warningly. Mart stops and looks puzzled to the Leader.

"What do you mean?" I ask not too eagerly, an eyebrow raised, my eyes probably glinting with curiosity. Eric tenses beside me. Marten looks from Eric to me and swallows.

"I am out. You two are scary." I look over to Eric and find nothing scary on him. But that could be because my heart pictures me with him together. Yes, he is intimidating and can be an asshole but I have a different perception of what is worth feeling fear about now; thanks to the fear serum I guess. And I have a different perception of him than most people around me, too.

The silence after this short episode doesn't last too long, Marten and Leo going back to talk in turns to Jules and I take up my fork. Apparently they are two of the Dauntless that will accompany Drew and a few others to his hearing in front of Candor. I almost forgot about that, but don't feel too bad about it. The events with Edward seem so far away now but not far enough I realise when I feel anger and melancholy rise within me. I try to concentrate on my already half-eaten Lasagne und shut the thoughts down. The food is as good as ever but I don't really taste it, letting my mind get occupied with the things Jules said about the fear serum and its effects. I am not sure if she is right but I find myself wishing for it to be.

"Everything alright, Stiff?" Eric asks taking me by surprise with the sound of his voice and takes another fork full of his salad chewing slowly. I look down on my own plate.

"Sure. Why would you ask?" My voice is as low as his. I try for nonchalance and it works.

"You look like you cried." I pause the spoon halfway to my mouth and scoff at him.

"I haven't cried in years." He smirks at my reaction, leaning forward to hide his amusement.

"Thought so." I elbow him slightly in the ribs and he looks up surprised his grey eyes light and glinting with a playfulness I have never seen before. I am surprised at my own reaction as well and more so because he looks at me in a way he never did before. There isn't a frown on his face, it isn't neutral to a fault but open to some degree. Maybe he is more relaxed now because he is with his friends. My eyes stray to his lips, staying there for a few seconds before I pull myself together and avert my eyes to the apple slice on my plate. My cheeks feel hot. I am glad my hair hides the blush.

"Eric, leave her alone or make a move already." I look at Jules surprised and she winks. Marten and Leo exchange knowing looks and I am slightly confused. I shake my head slightly and let it slide.

I enjoy the heat Eric emanates, our elbows and legs brushing casually. Would it always be like that if I allow myself to really feel the things he evokes within me? Maybe his hand wouldn't rest against the surface on the table but on my back? And maybe he would lean towards me, his lips brushing my ear when he whispers something into it? I shiver and he looks at me puzzled. I wait for a short remark but before he can say something, my mind is pulled away again.

"So about Four again. Did you know that he visits the Leader's office frequently and they always shut off the cameras when he is in there?" Its Leo's voice this time. My interest turns from my fantasy to him instantly, eager to know what they know about Tobias.

"Is it strange?" I ask trying to keep my curiosity under control.

"For one in his position? Definitely. And even more suspicious if they really turn off the cams." Jules says, pushing the tray away from her to put her elbows on the table. She is relaxed as well now and there is no sorrow left in her eyes.

"On the other hand, maybe Max is just trying to get him in a Leadership position again." Marten throws in before a fork full of mashed potatoes disappears into his mouth.

"He isn't." Eric says next to me and I look to him. I think my curiosity is quite visible now and he frowns at it. We stay silent for a while. I push my plate away from me and take up my bottle to sip from it in irregular intervals.

"What do you think he wants with Four if it isn't for Leadership?" I say, playing nonchalant.

"Stiff. Drop it." I furrow my brows but do as he says. I stand up then and take my tray with me.

"You are already going?" Jules says and looks at me a bit disappointed. I shrug.

"Preliminary rankings will be posted tomorrow morning and I want to try to get some sleep." She nods in understanding and I wave to Marten and Leo turning slightly to Eric to nod in his direction. It feels wrong to act so casually when there is nothing normal between the two of us at the moment. However, any other way of greeting would feel strange as well.

I feel his eyes on my back while I leave the cafeteria. My thoughts aren't heavy and destructive anymore but filled with thoughts about Tobias' behavior that seems to be suspicious to others. I will try to find out from him what this is all about.

* * *

><p>The morning after my fourth simulation I find myself before the chalkboard again. I am transfixed. My name is written down next to the number one. The time is three times better than that of the person in the second place. Peter. I am slightly uncomfortable and think that I should have taken my time with the simulations to not be in a spot where jealousy could be thrown my way. I scoff at my line of thought. I should be proud and I am.<p>

I look at the list again. Al is the last name I read. Poor Al, I think for a moment. He will be Factionless in just two days when stage two comes to an end. I don't think he will survive out there. The people are desperate and do anything to not die. I hope he will be careful and maybe even find a group that is willing to take him in. He could use his strength there, helping them to survive and they will help him. I really hope for him that things will work out this way otherwise there is not much hope.

I leave the training room, feeling eyes burning holes in my back but I don't really care. I earned that ranking. I fought and struggled with my fears just like everyone else. They will accept and maybe even see that for themselves someday.

* * *

><p>"Hey, love." Tobias sits down next to me. Our backs are leaned against the railing. It's uncomfortable but I don't really feel it. His hand finds mine and we stay silent for a while. I always love how his hand is so much bigger than mine, hiding my own hand in his, keeping me warm and safe.<p>

"Hey Four. What are you up to?" I ask my voice just loud enough for him to hear over the noise of the chasm.

"Nothing much really." He looks at me for a minute or two. He seems to be concerned and shoves me slightly.

"What's up with the long face?" I shrug. I have difficulties to express myself because I am not sure why I really am sad.

"We got the preliminary results this morning. I was first place." My voice is monotone.

"That's great, love. You can be proud." My face turns into a grimace.

"I don't know... of course I am proud but being first place puts me in a dangerous position." I frown slightly, my eyes staying on the jugged, dark grey stones of the chasm in front of me.

"Why is that?"

"You remember what a week ago happened?" He nods solemnly next to me.

"See. I am not up to this...this sort of competition. I mean there will be just ten of us getting membership...I know that. But it's hard to not feel like there will be a knife in my back if I don't watch it all the time." I try to massage my shoulders, to lose some tension in my muscles. I flinch when my fingers meet a knot.

"Don't get yourself worked up over it. We all watch out for you and it's just a week then everything will be over." I am grateful that he tries to cheer me up. But I am also a bit taken aback. Tobias is of course right but he is brushing off my fears with everyday phrases when normally he would make an afford to find the best words even if they hurt sometimes. I don't want to think about what his behavior might imply. Although I could be just especially sensual because of my last fear serum session and interpret too much into it.

"I can't wait for it." I grumble. He chuckles slightly and presses an encouraging kiss to my temple. A half-smile forms on my face in response and I press his hand in thanks. We let the rushing of the chasm wash over us and take pleasure in just sitting with each other. I think back to my meal with Jules and her friends and remember the things said about Tobias. I want to ask him what he does for the Leaders the whole time feeling the curiosity return but I dismiss it. It doesn't feel too important at the moment and maybe it is just something random that got blown out of proportion. Either way I decide that there will be a time for that later.

I lay my head down on his shoulder, breathing softly and not as shaken anymore. His presence is soothing in a pleasant way. Maybe it is because he is my brother and we are familiar with the way we think and feel. Though it doesn't seem like a good enough explanation. In comparison to other siblings we seem to be closer, more affectionate and care more for the other. I know that Susan and her brother were never this close. They looked out for each other and had their own way of communicating but I never saw them interact on the level Tobias and I did. Not with this much affection.

They would throw each other small smiles and speak about simple inside information that are normal when living under the same roof but never to the degree that you could see a deep sort of love. Thinking of it, I am absolutely sure that the way Tobias and I treat each other doesn't stem from being brother and sister only. Family can't make you love and trust. I know this better than most people. So maybe our relationship is something special in itself between siblings and because of our shared pain we share a unique bond with one another. Though it was born out of pain I can appreciate the love we hold for one another. Cherish it even and it is nothing I would ever want to miss.

"Any news concerning your love interest?" He asks and I jerk up at his sudden choice of topic. I blush slightly and shake my head.

"He apologized and said that he insulted me because I hurt him. I am not sure what I did to hurt him and it is quite confusing." I reply, my voice with a thoughtful quality to it. Tobias stays silent for a moment.

"I have an idea, though." He says lightly.

"What is it?" I ask, eager to get a few information to better understand the whole conversation Eric and I had in the training room.

"Well, that is for you to discover and I am not even sure if it is really the reason." I pout and he chuckles lightly. He takes a short look at his wristwatch and I huff. It seems that all of our time together is always cut short for the things he does. But I have to accept that, I think.

"As much as I would love to sit around the chasm with you all day I have to go." I nod and smile slightly.

"Go take a shower, relax a bit. You'll see, everything is going to be alright." He looks at me for a few seconds then goes off to wherever he has to be.

I stay behind, not quite ready to stand up yet. With Tobias gone the thoughts are back. Jules' words helped me to overcome the immense self-disgust I felt yesterday mostly. However, there is still a part of me that isn't completely sure that her interpretation of our reaction to the things that frighten us is true. I don't want to give this emotion too much power though and try to concentrate on solving it instead.

I know that I can be brave but I am not sure if this is all I need to face not only the fear of my father but the others I encountered under the serum. Maybe I have to accept Christina's kindness and trust her when she wants to pull me over the railing to save me. Maybe I have to accept that I know that closeness frightens me. Maybe I have to accept the part of me that is still selfless and cares for a boy that was stabbed in the eye. And maybe I have to be honest with myself more.

And just like that an idea enters my mind and I smile. That will work.

* * *

><p>I enter the tattoo parlor to see Tori standing behind the counter.<p>

"Shorty. Haven't seen you in a few days!" I nod at her in greeting approaching her with sure steps, hands relaxed next to me. She doesn't sound angry that I didn't take the time to see what she is up to. I think she knows how taxing initiation is and doesn't feel put off. I hope she doesn't. I like Tori for her insight she displayed the first time I came here to get my back covered. And for the things she showed me unconsciously the other times. That you can show your love in more ways than just one while she interacted with her brother in a way so completely different and refreshing. Or that it is ok to interact with people you don't know and maybe even be surprised that you can connect to them like I did with George over our shared love for our siblings.

"Nice to see you, too, Tori. How are you? And where is George? Still nursing his wounds?" I grin at her as she laughs out loud. I like the atmosphere of the parlor and feel myself relax more. The dim light, the loud music and the presence of a person I appreciate have a welcoming aspect to them because they overload my senses in a good way and help to strengthen my resolve.

"You should have seen him all shaken up because you kicked his ass so easily. What would I do to have seen it myself?" She brushes away a few stray tears and I just smile at her glee.

"And I am good, not as busy at the moment, but that's fine by me." I nod, thinking hard if I make the right decision. When going through my mind I don't feel any doubt.

"So, I came here for another tattoo." I see Tori smile friendly and pointing to a screen. I walk with her, braiding my hair into a side tail.

"What will it be this time?" Tori sits down on her usual stool, still with playfulness in her eyes but more businesslike too.

"Oh, just a few letters down my side. Maybe letting them intervene with the ivy from my back?" She nods and I pull my shirt off, laying down on my side on the table. I don't feel nervous anymore of baring myself in front of her and I take that as a victory over my fear to let anyone see my scarred body.

"What letters do you want?" Tori asks, bowing down to me and inspecting my side, pen in hand to get to work.

"A D at first, after that A, C, E and A again." I look at her expectantly and she raises her eyebrows.

"You sure?" I nod and she takes the tattoo gun. Another thing I like about Tori is that she doesn't question my decisions like any other person would and she doesn't pry. It's like she accepts my closed off behavior as a part of my character. Maybe she knows that I need some time before I can let anyone in? And maybe one day I can talk to her about the things she saw on my body and give her a part of my story. I don't feel too afraid at that thought.

It doesn't take too long to finish the letters. Tori lets me look at it again. When I see the finished picture in the mirror I am satisfied. The letters appear and disappear slightly before and behind the ivy and you have be close to get what they are.

"I know you won't start running around in a belly-top the next few months, but I hide them anyway. Though Dauntless isn't very strict it is never wise to show off all factions inked into your skin." I think it's her way to reprimand and warn me. I smile slightly and nod. I am not too worried that anyone will ever see or get it anyway. I pull on my shirt again and Tori raises her eyebrow in question.

"Can you please give me a bit of crème and a bandage for later? I want to shower before going to bed." I ask her in explanation.

"It isn't too wise either to shower after getting a tattoo, Tris. Infections are more likely to occur." She says in amusement but nods and gives me a small package. I thank her with a hug she is slightly taken aback about but returns after a moment.

"Take care, shorty." I nod at her reassuringly and leave the parlor, deciding to wander around a bit more before calling it a night. Now I have everything with me that I treasure about humans and that I think will help me in more ways than just facing and overcoming my fears in a simulation. Bravery, Selflessness, Honesty, Knowledge and Friendliness.

* * *

><p>I don't know how long I just walked without taking in where I was going, feeling the memories resurface making me depressive, tired and angry at the same time. It was stupid to think that a new tattoo, a resolve and a talk to Tobias can just put a stop to emotions that were strong enough to question my own existence. The things I feel are just a shadow of the real events though and for that I am glad.<p>

I arrive sometime later in the dorms. They are surprisingly empty and I am grateful because I don't think my face is neutral enough to hide everything I want to. When I step under the shower I turn the water to hot and relish in the burning sensation on my body. Though I am cautious with the new tattoo from the left side of my rips to my hipbone, I scrubbed the rest of my skin until it is red. I want to lose the still lingering feelings of cowardice and helplessness after my simulation with Marcus desperately. They make me sick.

It's quite fascinating that my father still holds power over me even though I am in another Faction now and I never have to see him again. Maybe, I think, it is something you overcome with time? Or maybe there will always be the little girl in me who was abused by the one man she should have been able to trust without a second thought? I sigh. I don't think I can answer these questions just now. I am in Dauntless for less than three weeks and I already am stronger. So maybe it is really just a thing time can tell and Jules' perspective will help me with that as well.

I wrap a towel around myself, unlock the door to the shower and push it open. My eyes are fixed on the floor before me and I am deep in thought. I just don't know how to overcome him in my simulation when I can't even stop worrying in the real world. He is this inhumanly strong monster and I just feel fear. Maybe I can...

But I don't finish the thought because suddenly pain explodes in my head. Someone is pulling my hair violently, pushing my front against the ice cold tiles of the bathroom in the next moment. A groan of pain leaves my mouth. I feel my towel slip to the floor but it is the last of my problems because there are hands on my arms, pulling them up with force and locking my wrists over my head.

"Payday, Darling." The voice lets me shiver. Not because it is laced with fury and lust but because I know the voice. I can't breathe for a moment, fear taking over as the man behind me pushes my legs apart with one of his knees. I feel him fumble with the fly on his pants and bile raises in my throat. The only thing I can think is no.

* * *

><p><em>Thanks for reading - review please. And.. not really sorry for the cliffhanger. :x<em>


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